Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thank you, thank you very much...

Well, it's Thanksgiving, and it's got me thinking about all the things I'm thankful for. Like....

My sweet job, which allows me to work from home, thereby avoiding all you other drivers who live to piss me off.

Computer illiterates, who allow me to have my sweet job.

Television, where everyone is clever and attractive.

Herbal supplements

Easy women.

My family, who give me a safe, warm feeling of superiority.

Chili Cheese Fritos.

Las Vegas.

$1 double-cheeseburgers at Burger King.

Neve Campbell and Denise Richards making out in Wild Things.

No more Bush-Cheney-Rove bullshit.

Not having to explain my months of silence here.

Gay bars.

Movies where things blow up.


Friends with beer.

Friday, July 3, 2009

What I Want For My Birthday

All traffic to magically part and let me pass.

Rush Limbaugh's head on a stick.

Legalization of marijuana.

Someone to come clean my house for me.

A haircut.

Free lunch!

All my bills paid.

A week's vacation at the beach.

Equal rights for gays and lesbians.

Denise Richards in my bed.

A carton of cigarettes. (smoke up, johnny)

My cat to refrain from hawking up hairballs.

The return of Carol Danvers as Ms. Marvel.

To be a contestant on Survivor!

The collapse of the Republican party. (great job so far, guys!)

Hockey season tickets.

Winning lottery ticket.


Friday, June 26, 2009

Things I Wish I Could Say

How do you even manage to tie your shoes?

I'm sorry, you're too stupid, I can't help you.

Do you ever shut up?

What makes you think I care?

Why does your mother dress you like that?

No one likes you.

I don't think you're aware of other people.

You drive like an idiot.

Oh, nevermind, you are an idiot.

I know you're talking, but all I hear is "blah, blah, blah".

Just keep walking.

Could you please just stop with the breathing?

You know, showering is more effective than overpowering perfume.

I wonder why you're so impressed with yourself?

When did they let you out?

Can I help you find the door?

Man, you really look old in this light.

No one's out to get you. No one wants you.

It really wasn't that good for me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Shit I Can Do Without

No raises this year at work.

The heat.

Dick Cheney's mouth.

"It's not you, it's me."

Having everything I say analyzed.

Being broke.

Dealing with garages and insurance people.

Lack of power steering in my car.

Cleaning up after other people.

Techs who want me to do their job for them.

Lifetime movies.

Doctors on power trips.


Other drivers.

Watching out for other people's feelings.

Trashy people.

Being ignored.

Putting up with other people's crap.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Things I Don't Need

People telling me I need to "lose a few pounds".

The birthday gift of Vehicle Registration fees.

A really nice detailing job on my car in lieu of working power steering.

Clients telling me how much they prefer other software.

The opportunity to clean up after others.

Stories about how winning the lottery turned out to be a curse for some people.

No Smoking rules.

Being informed that diet sodas are full of harmful chemicals.

Dating advice.

Conversations about other people's health issues.

Being stuck with the tab.

Rush hour traffic.


Jokes about anti-depressants.


Condom machines in the women's restroom.

Text messages while I'm driving.

Unexpected expenses.


Monday, June 1, 2009

The Hits Just Keep Coming

OK, so I finally got my car back from the body shop Friday. It only took them 3 freakin weeks to fix it. Evidently, either whoever does the parts ordering is an idiot, or they have the worst parts supplier outside of the U.S. military. It took them three tries to get the right hood, then three more to get the right radiator, THEN they had the wrong bumper part. I mean seriously, does anyone buy that? Think up some new excuses, Autoglo.
So I have the car back....and the power steering doesn't work!? WTF? It was working when I pulled the car off the highway after the accident, but it doesn't work now. Of course, they say this has nothing to do with them, and now I have to take the car to another mechanic.
This is officially bullshit. They were all very polite, the front end looks like brand new, and they even detailed the car for me. So maybe I'm just being a bitch here, but I actually expected to be able to drive it without having an upper body workout.
I just want this shit over with.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

People I Hate

Anyone with a big-ass SUV with freakin' tinted windows. I don't wanna look at your sorry ass, I just wanna see traffic. Tool.

The guy at the body shop who keeps getting the wrong f***ing parts for my car.

The bitch with the house on the corner who put boulders on the corner of her yard so no one can take the turn tight anymore. Like that 1 foot of your yard is so precious that everyone should risk collision to avoid accidentally running over it.

Rich, spoiled morons who are too tight to pay working people a living wage.

Everyone who has to slow down in traffic to get a good look at the fender bender on the side of the road.

Dick "Shut the hell up already" Cheney.

Anyone over 30 who still belongs to a "clique".

Everyone involved with NASCAR, especially the fans.

People who abandon their animals. You all oughta be kept chained in a yard and starved.

Arrogant retail clerks. You fold shirts for a living. You are not all that.

Telemarketers. Why isn't this industry dead yet?

Wimpy Democrats.

Self-righteous Republicans.

The insufferable morons on Pogo who insist on keeping up juvenile chat full of lame sexual innuendo in a game room. Go to a freakin' dating site and get some, maybe then you won't feel the need to bore everyone else with your poorly spelled attempts to hook up.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Karma Crash

OK, after all my ranting about bad drivers, karma finally caught up with me. Friday afternoon, I wrecked my car. Dammit. Nobody was hurt, but it has been an expensive, exhausting ordeal. Everyone I've had to deal with has been pretty cool, from the cop to the insurance adjuster, with one exception - the f***ing rental car guy (Enterprise = bunch of morons). Seems you can't use your debit card to rent a car, unless you have 2 utility bills with you. Cause everyone carries those around with them. In their friend's cars. Asshats. So, after 20 minutes of his painfully polite refusal to help, he asks me where the car is being fixed. I tell him it's at Autoglo in Tucker (shout out to Jerry the dog over there). He's all, "Oh, we know them, let me call over there and if they verify they have your car, we can use your debit card."
To which my friend asked "This, you couldn't have done 20 minutes ago?" Seriously.
So now, I'm waiting impatiently for the body shop and the insurance guy to decide between them if my car is gonna be fixed or totalled. Yeah, it's not been fun.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

People I Want To Punch In The Face

There was a pick your five quiz on Facebook the other day on this subject, and I had such a hard time narrowing it down to just five. I thought I'd post a more complete list here.

George W. Bush

Karl Rove

Dick Cheney

Ann Coulter

Rush Limbaugh

Bill O'Reilly

Pauly Shore

Gilbert Gottfreid

Jim Belushi

Anyone else responsible for According To Jim

Sissy Spacek

Anyone named Kardashian

All the Bachelors and Bachelorettes

Mel Gibson

Fred Phelps

All Televangalists

Newt Gingrich

Sarah Palin

All drivers in front of me in traffic

All shoppers in front of me in line

Anyone in front of me

Michael Vick

Marcus Vick

All wannabe thug rappers


Religious fanatics

Rich people

Anyone who works in a call center in India

People with mullets

Anyone who drives a huge, gas-guzzling SUV that I can't see around

Guys who ride around with their stereos up way too loud

Everyone who tries to rewrite history to make Ronald Reagan look like a great President

Whoever won that $220 million dollar lottery

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Things I Have Been Doing Instead of Blogging

Watching dyke drama.

Playing computer games.


Appealing to the lottery Gods.

Neglecting my chores.

Getting laid.

Watching TV.

Planning a party.

Trying in vain to comprehend my finances.

Talking to the cat, and believing she understands me.


Enjoying my road rage.

Being smugly satisfied with the new President.

Pondering writer's block.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Sin Pretty

I caught the Sin Pretty show at the Moon Shadow Tavern Saturday night. I'm no reviewer, but these girls flat-out rock. If you're in the Atlanta area, you really need to check out this band. Their next show is Thursday, May 7th, at Smith's Olde Bar at 7pm. I'm telling you, see them once, and you'll be an instant fan.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Fun April Fool's Jokes

Tell small children that Mickey Mouse died.

Bounce your rent check.

Tell your significant other that you found someone younger and better looking. Oh, and richer.

Go to dinner with friends and "forget" your wallet.

Wear a Ralph Nader campaign t-shirt.

Tell everyone it's your birthday and demand gifts.

Dye your roommate's dog purple with Kool-Aid.

Toss a new red towel into your brother's laundry.

Bake a nice batch of Ex-Lax brownies for everyone in the office.

Pack all of a co-workers' personal items in a box and set it on his desk while he's at lunch. When he gets back, tell him the boss wants to see him.

Call tech support and ask them where the "any" key is.

Tell your brother-in-law that he picked the wrong sibling, and wink suggestively. This is funnier if you're a guy.

Put yellow food coloring in your buddy's beer, then tell her she looks a little jaundiced.

Three words - Flaming Dog Poo.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Going For Broke

I am broke. I was stressing out about it, but I took a pill, and now I don't care anymore. In fact, I'm totally fine with it. I'm just thinking about all the cool things I can do with no money!

Stare in restaurant windows at people eating and make them uncomfortable.

Chase the cat with the vacuum.

Extol the virtues of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Clean the kitchen floor, all the while wondering where the singing mice and birdies are.

Watch TV shows On Demand. Because I am nothing, if not demanding.

Teach the dog to sing.

Try to make my computer games work with Windows Vista until it makes me weep.

Meditate on the meaning of hockey.

Try to catch Cheese-its in my mouth.

Chase the cat again, while vacuuming up Cheese-its.

Yell at my bank manager for screwing everything up, even though it's not her fault.

Lie around like a lump.

Sit smugly in my house while everyone fights rush hour in the rain.

Read comic books.

I better get busy, I have alot to do.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Calling Names

Well, lately, since I've been working from home, I haven't had to deal with people as much. At least, not face-to-face. Which is a good thing, in my case, since I tend to not like people very much. I do go into the office on Mondays, though, and while I was in yesterday, I noticed that I have a habit of naming the people that I see alot, but don't know by name.
Some of the nicknames are innocuous, like "Mail room Lady", or "Boss Guy." Others are more indicative of my prejudices. My office has some interesting characters. There's the woman who always smokes outside of the smoking area. I call her "Rules Don't Apply to me."
The guy who hasn't changed his haircut since 1st grade is "Little Boy Hair."
There are a couple of guys that I can't even tell apart, who like the long hair with beard look. I call them "The Bearded Ladies."
The person I most try to avoid is the non-stop talker I've named "Please Pay Attention to me." I may strangle her one fine day.
There's a group of gay girls who work down in the mail room. I know them, collectively, as "The Downstairs Dykes". They include "Dude, Where's My Neck?", "Stretch", and "Short & Sweet".
Then there's the overly smug silver-haired guy, "Look How Smart I am", the false bravado of "Insecurity Guy", and the political demagogue "Listen To Me."
Other male characters include "Too Good For This Place", "Parties Too Hard", "The Clueless Kid", "Overcompensation Man", and "Stuck In The 60's."
And let's not forget the women - "Yes, I Am A Bitch", "One Day I'm Gonna Kill You All", "You Will Respect Me", and "Please Be My Friend."
I guess my nickname should be "Judging You All."

Friday, March 20, 2009

Cool Links

Oracle of Bacon - Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. This is a fun site.

Alien Abductees - Alien abduction experiences and research. OK then.

Holy Taco - One of my favorite quirky, cool sites.

Geocaching - Treasure hunting via GPS.

Infiltration - Urban exploration. Cool idea, kinda spooky. I like that.

Best of Craig's List - Angry, bitter, foolish people post weird stuff on Craig's List. Gotta love it!

Geeks of Doom - All things Geeky. A must see.

The Tortellini - Bites of Law and Politics, with Sauce. Very interesting stuff.

{dŭm’ăs-ə-fō’bē-ə} - A guy after my own bitter heart.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Losing The Edge

OK, so, here's the problem: I'm not myself lately. I've...lost my edge. I haven't wanted to punch hardly anyone in weeks. Well, except the people in front of me in traffic, I can always count on them. Oh, and those assholes at AIG. And Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh and their ilk. Yeah, and myself, kinda, because I continue to be baffled by my checking account, and it turns out they charge for cluelessness. And whatever programming tool at Fox that moved Terminator to Fridays. But hardly anyone else.
Maybe it's the meds messing with me. It could be that my personal life is humming along pretty well. I have the strangest feeling lately. I smile at people. I say, "Hello" to strangers. I know what it is, I've seen it before in Disney movies. I'm just embarrassed to say it. It's all so different and out of character for me, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Alright, here it is: I'm....I think that I might be......happy...ish. I mean, I'm not angry, or bitter, or cynical, or any of the other stuff that makes me who I am. Well, it's probably temporary, but it's f***ing with my head.
Does anyone know how this sh*t works?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Greedy Bastards at AIG

There's an excellent piece on the AIG debacle by Matt Miller on The Daily Beast today. Those guys are throwing gas on the fire that's raging through our economy. These robber barons of the new millennium really don't get it, do they? They already have millions of dollars, and they want to take more from us?! Way to call bullsh*t, Matt!

Catching Leprechauns


How to Trap a Leprechaun
You can make a trap with common household items. Take a net, a cardboard box, green paint, green tissue paper, some pennies and an old shoe. Firstly, paint the cardboard box green and place the old shoe inside. Cover the opening with thin green tissue paper. Carefully lay the pennies on the tissue paper. (If you don't want to use real money, you can easily substitute chocolate gold- wrapped coins or make your own by cutting circles out of cardboard and painting them gold).
Place the trap near some trees or hedgerows. Make sure it's disguised well and blends into the surroundings. When the Leprechaun sees the coins he will try to collect them. He will step onto the tissue paper, it will break and he will fall into the box. Now quickly throw the net over him.
You can also try to lure a leprechaun with some poteen instead of an old shoe. When he falls into the box he will drink the brew, get drunk and then you can grab him.
No one has yet caught a leprechaun, but don't be discouraged. Start looking today. Good luck !!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Cats & Dogs

A friend of mine turned me on to this, I don't know who wrote it, but it's some funny stuff:

8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly . I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


OK, I admit it, I've been distracted. I switched meds and it's taking some adjusting on my part. I'm OK, I just haven't been very creative during this process. I don't want this to turn into one of those "What I did today" kind of blogs, so I won't post if I don't have anything entertaining to say. So, no worries, I'm sure I'll get my groove back soon. Baby screech owl agrees.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Gay Marriage

Time has an article on California's Proposition 8 that ya'll oughta read.
See, this is why I hate people. Proposition 8 is a fine example of what happens when you let the majority make decisions that affect minorities (Jim Crow, anyone?). Evidently, Californians can change their state constitution any time the wind blows, and I'd say they need to look at changing that, for exactly this reason.
The herd mind is dumb and fearful. You tell people that gay marriage is a threat, and they believe that horseshit. This is nothing new. Look back at the reaction to interracial marriage as little as 50 years ago, and you'll see the same hateful, ugly rhetoric and faulty, convoluted logic in those arguments. I mean word for word. Hate is a powerful force, much more so than tolerance. Because hate is primal. It's born in, and driven by fear. You don't look/act/think/believe like I do, so you must be against me. You might hurt me, take something away from me. Ridiculous? Yes. Childish? Yes. Narcissistic? Of course! Anytime you think that what other people choose to do with their lives is about you? What else would you call it?
Get a grip, folks. I assure you, my life has nothing to do with your Bible-thumping, lame-ass, pathetic existence. I'm no threat to you, so leave me and my gay brothers and sisters alone. All we want are the same basic human rights that you enjoy. It costs you nothing.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Shiny

The following conversation occurred way back in 2006, but it hasn't lost it's relevance for me one bit. And since I seem to be experiencing a serious case of writer's block, I thought I'd share it with ya'll.

T- Tell me something most people wouldn't guess about you.

K- Hmm, OK. I love shopping. Clothes, furniture, food, any kind of store.I love it.

T- No way! I love shopping too!

K- It's like, I just wanna find the coolest, shiniest thing.

T- Exactly. The search for the shiny.

K- That's it! I am on the search for the shiny!

T- Me too!

K- But G doesn't seem like she'd be all that interested in shiny things

T- (laughs) No, not at all.

K- So, is she all like, "that's not in the budget!"?

T- Yes, she's much more practical. I'm like, we just won't pay the light bill. The shiny thing will light up the apartment!

K- And she's all "Well, let me check next weeks' budget, and maybe we can come back"

T- "...and if it continues to be shiny, we might get it."

K- ...and you're like...

T- I'm like, "Look! An even shinier thing!"

K- (laughs) I knew it! Next week? Who has that kind of attention span?

T- It misses the whole point of the shiny, really.

K- We are the reason Wal-Mart owns the country, you know.

Monday, March 2, 2009


This is the very beginning of a story I've been working on. It's not humor or politics, but I thought ya'll might like something a bit different. It's a very rough first draft, but let me know what ya think so far.

My father was convicted of stealing fuel cells from the transport yard when I was yet a babe in arms. He was, of course, executed for his crime, along with my mother, as the law at that time dictated. Had I been older, I should have shared their fate. However, given my tender age, settlement law dictated that I was to be considered untainted, and given over as a ward of the territories, to be raised in the girl’s orphanage at Surma Unda.
Life at the orphanage was not as harsh as it might have been in other places. We were given sufficient food, clean uniforms and dormitories, and even provided a basic education. The Matris of the orphanage, while maintaining the discipline needed when providing for just over 100 young girls, also recognized that a certain amount of spirit in a young girl is not always a bad thing.
Being spirited myself, I had many occasions to discuss this belief with her, and she found assignments for me that fit with my active curiosity. Most days, this meant that I worked with Domina Ardinis , assisting in the repair and maintenance of the orphanage’s various machinery, including the elderly ground transport slide the dominas used to carry goods to and from the market district.
The slide was a rusting relic “donated” to the orphanage by the consulius when the Matris was still young. I had gathered from eavesdropping on Domina Ardinis and the Matris during their many discussions about whatever parts of the slide currently needed replacing that the consulius had discovered a clause in territorial law that allowed them to acquire a new transport at the expense of the territory if a presently functional one owned by the consulius were to be appropriated for the use of territorial wards. They quickly diverted the aging slide from its overdue trip to the recyclium and gifted it to the old Matris.
As unreliable as the old slide was, it was still a vast improvement over the udana cart the old Matris had to make do with, a fact that our Matris never failed to remind Domina Ardinis of whenever the Domina’s side of the discussion grew too “spirited”. I could scarcely imagine a darker prospect than having to rely on one of those treacherous beasts for transportation. Only poor Outlanders used them for cart-pulling, and even those hard provincials were wary of the brutal, filthy, frighteningly quick jaws. I’d read in my history of their use as mounts by the soldiers of the warlords during the War of the Territories, but this was clearly a fiction, as the creatures were only just tamer than the mountain wolves, and not a small part larger besides. The orphanage had a small herd of surly udana cows, for their thick fur could be dyed and woven into cunning tapestries and cloaks that we could sell in the market district for the coins needed to purchase those staples we could not produce for ourselves. Of course, the huge animals could only be sheared after a healthy dose of tranquilizer. Given their great size, this meant there were often any number of them wandering about half shorn, the half that had landed on the ground still sporting a full growth of dirty gray fur. I had a healthy fear of the creatures, and gave their pen a wide berth.
The hours I spent helping Domina Ardinis tinker with that disreputable old slide were the happiest of my young life. The Domina was a stout, profane woman with a quick wit and a quicker temper, but she taught me everything she knew about machinery. And as I would discover, that was a great deal.

I had many friends amongst the other orphans, but Iliki was the closest to a real sister that I would ever know. She was as calm and serious as I was wild and giddy. She was a tiny thing, fine-boned and refined even as a child. She had hair the color of honey and copper eyes set in a perfect porcelain complexion. I think she knew that we were all a little in love with her, and she endeavored in all things never to wound anyone. For all her austerity, she had a merry laugh, and I was ever trying to coax it from her with some bit of foolishness.
Iliki’s regular assignment was in the barnyard, caring for the stock and fowl, for she had a true gift for soothing the beasts. I had even seen her (from a prudent distance) cooing to a pregnant udana from the top of the wooden fence, while she fed a tuft of yellowtop grass to the massive animal. I called out to warn her away, but she merely laughed and patted the beast’s broad side before dropping to the ground and running to join me.
I often laughed to watch her as she fed the chickens in their pen, for they would follow her about as if they were bewitched. She could gather their eggs without arousing even a cluck of protest, and to see her cupping a downy chick in her hand was to witness something akin to magic.
More rarely, she would come to the machine shed with me and watch me work with Domina Ardinis , who could scarce abide my mischief as I sought to entertain my friend. Likely the Domina was as fond of Iliki as everyone else was, and she never had to send the girl away. Iliki could tell when my antics had tested Ardinis far enough, and she would laugh and wave as she headed back to her beloved animals.
I worked alone with Domina Ardinis, but Iliki usually had other girls assigned to work with her, and no particular Domina was charged with the animals. Rather, they all seemed to take a turn at the hard chores of our tiny farm, although Domina Mies presided over the gardening.
Most often, Iliki worked with a hard girl named Nessa. Nessa was the fastest runner, the best climber, the best fighter, the best at all things physical, of all us girls. She was boastful and insolent, and we all feared and secretly despised her. Except, of course, for Iliki, who saw the good in everyone, even the udana. Nessa affected to be unmoved by Iliki, but I noticed she never bullied my friend, and was even a bit less combative in her presence.
I asked Iliki how she was able to get along with such an unpleasant girl, but she just frowned and said, “Sira, don’t be mean. She just misses her family, that’s why she’s angry.”
I was chastised. I knew that the girls who came to the orphanage older than I had usually wept inconsolably when they first arrived, and I had heard them speak of their grief openly, in the way that children do, but I would never have ascribed such feelings to Nessa. I didn’t think Nessa had ever cried, even in the beginning. To my knowledge, Nessa only caused pain, not felt it herself. I knew immediately that Iliki was right, but I would never have seen it on my own, and it did little to impair my instinctive dislike of the girl. Curious, I asked Iliki, “Don’t you miss your family? You’re never mean to anyone”, but she just gave me a sad little smile and turned away. It broke my heart, and I labored ever after not to antagonize Nessa, as disagreeable as she was.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Save Yourself From The Aliens

Have you or someone you know been abducted by aliens? Do little gray men sneak into your room at night and steal you away to their ship and perform experiments on you? Do you have strange lapses in memory, like an utter inability to recall anything that occurs while you are sleeping? Not to worry! I've found a site on preventing alien abductions!

Follow these helpful guidelines from the site and protect yourself!

Leave bright light on; in your room, hallway, and other rooms where Children or others sleep. Or everybody sleep in same room. This is also helpful in keeping away the boogeyman.

If you have a UPS (Uninterruptable Power Supply) for use with computers, plug the lamp into that. (In case abductions include power disruption) This guy thinks of EVERYTHING!

Hurry and buy or rustle up fast, before tonight, some kind of warning buzzer that will alarm you if the power goes off. Uh, I'm pretty sure buzzer-rustling is a crime? Punishable by hanging? Plus, where am I gonna get a black hat and a bandanna before bedtime?

If you have floor fans and/or table fans, bring them into your room and turn them all on, air-stream directed away from you of course. It would be great if one or more fan could be plugged into a UPS. Will a snow-blower work?

Keep a flashlight with fresh batteries beside you in bed (sleep with it!). Well, duh, who doesn't sleep with their flashlight?

If you have an attic fan, turn it on. And piss off the leprechauns in the attic? No thank you!

Spread salt all around your bed; surround it entirely. My doctor told me to stay away from excess salt, can I use Lite Salt? Or, better yet, pepper?

If you have access or can buy quickly (by tonight) the essence of an herb called Yarrow (achillea millefolium), spread it around your bed-room. Aliens hate herbs! And essences!

If nobody is pregnant in your house, also buy essence of an herb called pennyroyal (hedeoma pulegioides) and spread it around your bed-room. Aliens and babies hate pennyroyal!

Sleep with iron bars nearby or preferably, next to you. A crucifix made of iron would be good too. Prisoners are safe. Whew.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Fight For Your Id

Today, I would like to examine an American musical masterpiece, Fight For Your Right, by the Beastie Boys, from a psychological perspective. I can only hope to scratch the surface of the wisdom contained therein. It would take a finer mind than mine to plumb the depths of meaning in these complex phrases.

Kick it! The brilliance here is evident from the very first line, which evokes the powerful imagery of the act of kicking it. One can almost feel the visceral joy of said kick.

You wake up late for school man you don't wanna go. Immediately, the song addresses the central theme, which is the internal struggle between what Freud labeled the Id and the Superego. The Id, of course, is the subject's unconscious desires, versus the Superego, or the pressure felt to adhere to societal mores; in this case, going to school.
You ask your mom, "Please?" but she still says, "No!" Here, the struggle becomes externalized, as a direct confrontation between the Id-driven self and an authority figure.
You missed two classes and no homework. Now we have an attempt to assuage the thwarted Id with a partial victory over the enforced adherence to the rules.
But your teacher preaches class like you're some kind of jerk. Now the Id lashes out, projecting the resentment felt toward the parental figure onto a substitute authority figure.
You gotta fight for your right to party. Ultimately, this struggle is won, at least internally, by the Id, as we see from the confrontational nature of the chorus.
Your pops caught you smoking and he said, "No way!" This time, the authority figure is male, but the theme continues.
That hypocrite smokes two packs a day. The fact that both the subject and the parental figure are male may compound the conflict with Oedipal overtones.
Man, living at home is such a drag. Here, the subject expresses his frustration with the restrictions placed upon him within the parental home.
Now your mom threw away your best porno mag. Busted! This line further suggests that an Oedipus complex may be a secondary subject in the work.
[repeat chorus]
Don't step out of this house if that's the clothes you're gonna wear.
I'll kick you out of my home if you don't cut that hair. Both of these lines serve to reinforce the subjects feeling of impotence in the face of authority.
Your mom busted in and said, "What's that noise?" Here, the subject's preferences (at least in music) are openly challenged.
Aw, mom you're just jealous it's the Beastie Boys! Because of his feelings of powerlessness, his response is classically passive-aggressive.
[repeat chorus]

I mean, wow. Heavy stuff.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Translating Tech Support

In keeping with my personal mission to bring peace between those of us who provide tech support and the users who avail themselves of our services, I've put together a quick primer of commonly used phrases and their translations.

Test feature. - glitch

I'll have to research this. - I have no f***ing idea.

The developers are aware of the issue. - They don't have a f***ing idea, either.

This was caused by incorrect input in certain fields. - You screwed it up.

We are working on it now. - We screwed it up.

I'll need to log into your system. - You aren't bright enough to follow my directions.

Do you have a backup? - If things haven't already gone horribly awry, they're about to.

That's outside the scope of what I do here. - I can probably fix it, but I won't, because it's not my job.

I can understand your frustration. - Quit your damn whining.

Is there a better time for you to address this? - Put me on hold again and I will drive there and bitch-slap you.

I'll certainly pass along your suggestions to development. - Why don't you build your own software if you know so damn much?

Could I speak with your technician or network administrator? - You don't sound like you can even find the keyboard.

Is there anything else I can help you with? - Please say no, please say no, please say no....

Monday, February 23, 2009

A Little Help From My Friends

I just wanted to acknowledge some friends of mine who helped me through an unexpected personal crisis this weekend. A big ol' thanks to Bridgit, Aleta, Pippa, and Donna for your support. I don't know what I'd have done without you.

"A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else." - Len Wein

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Excuses, excuses

Lately, we've been enjoying some exceptionally warm, pleasant days here in Atlanta. The kind of days that make you want to play hooky. In the interest of public service (because I do live to serve), here are some handy excuses for missing work:

All excuses should be preceded by the phrase "What had happened was..."

Mom's in jail again.

The dog got into the Viagra and humped all my tires flat.

I'm having an existential crisis.

My apartment building is surrounded by rabid pigeons.

I fell out of bed and sprained my pyramidalis.

There's a plague of toads in my shower.

How can I work when there's so much suffering in Indochina?

I have the 24-hour Ebola virus.

I'm out of my anti-psychotic pills.

Tiny elves have hidden my shoes and car keys.

I've almost figured out the equation for silly string theory.

The house plants are all sick.

I've been abducted by llamas.

I'm on a Twinkie binge. I may require rehab.

This is not the employee you are looking for.

I'm in training for the International Hand Jive Championships (for the glory of our company).

Wait, what year is this?

My hovercraft is in the shop.

I'm trying to remember the names of all seven brides and brothers.

And of course, the ever popular - I'm bleeding from the eyes.

Have a nice day off.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Things I Like

I seem to have alot of people asking me who or what I do like, since I generally share my dislikes with ya'll. Obviously, even I can't hate everyone and everything. I make damn sure that the people I like know who they are, so here's a list of some of the things I like.

Mocking others.
Fast cars.
Hot women.
Good grooming.
Political snark.
Diet Mountain Dew.
Clean antique furniture.
Comic books featuring female heroes.
Nice hotels.
Computer games that simulate world domination.
Actual world domination.
Smart humor.

Of course, I don't like people who post lists of things they like, so I'm just gonna go indulge in a bit of self-loathing.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Homosexual Agenda

Well, the conservatives have been worried for some time now about the "Homosexual Agenda". And while it has been fun watching them fret about what manner of nefarious, anti-family plots those hedonists have been brewing, I think it's time to set the record...erm...straight. Now, I may have missed some meetings, so if I skip anything, ya'll feel free to add it on.

Agenda Items:

The institution of a nationwide "Happy Hour", with half-price cocktails.

The right to adopt babies who will eventually grow into ungrateful, sullen teenagers and make us feel like we failed as parents.

Inclusion of tanning salons in insurance coverage.

The right to inherit our partner's crushing debt, so we have something to remember them by.

The addition of the letter H to the movie ratings system. Some movies are obviously for us, but others have a more subtle appeal that may not be entirely clear from reviews (G.I. Jane, anyone?)

The right to be badgered into marriage, so we can lose half our stuff in the divorce, because any excuse for shopping is a good excuse.

American Drag Idol.

That's about it. See? We're not really asking for that much, are we?

Monday, February 16, 2009

Driving Me Crazy

I know I've been a little distracted lately, and I wanna make it up to ya'll. So here's a vent on my very favorite subject.
I may have mentioned that I do not like other drivers. I'll admit that I am not the only decent driver in the world, but it's a pretty slim percentage of car jockeys that aren't gonna test the effectiveness of my meds. Yes, I'm aggressive, and yes, I am in a hurry, actually. I'm in a hurry to get the hell out of traffic before I rip a tonsil screaming at the astounding stupidity of most other people on the roads. My rush is for your own safety. So MOVE already.
What the hell is with these drivers who leave a quarter of a mile between them and the car in front of them at traffic lights? Even if it blocks the turn lane? If these asshats had any idea how much this makes me wanna shove their stupid SUVs into that car they're so damn worried about hitting, they might realize how much safer it would be to just tighten it up already.
Oh, and here's another clue - if I put on my turn signal? It means I'm probably gonna turn! So maybe you could back the hell off my ass already. I mean, you won't pull up to the bumper of a car that's sitting still at a light, but you can't even slow down to let me make a left turn?
And while we're at it? Get. Off. Your f***ing cellphone. You insufferable moron. You aren't that great a driver anyways,and let's be honest here - nothing you have to say is all that important anyway. So do the rest of us a favor and stop your yammering until you get wherever the hell you're going.
I don't even understand traffic jams on the expressway. Here's an idea - any numbf*** who causes an accident during rush hour? Jerk that license. See you at the bus stop, dumbass. Now you can talk on your phone all you want. Win/win. And if there isn't an accident? Why aren't we moving? Someone please explain to me why we need to creep along at 10mph if there's nothing blocking the road?
Look, I realize that my aggressive driving style may frighten and annoy others. It's just that I don't care. So just let me pass and we'll all get along fine. And have a nice day.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th

I love Friday the 13th! Actually, after the week I've had? I just love Friday. (Hopefully next week won't be so brutal, and I'll be able to get more posting done.) But the 13th is special! Not because I believe it's unlucky, but because there are actually people who do! And laughing at the fears of others is just what I do, folks. Hey, a little mocking never hurt anyone, and superstitious people are begging for it! Here's some fun info I found to illustrate how stupid it really is:


su⋅per⋅stition –noun
1.a belief or notion, not based on reason or knowledge, in or of the ominous significance of a particular thing, circumstance, occurrence, proceeding, or the like.
2.a system or collection of such beliefs.
3.a custom or act based on such a belief.
4.irrational fear of what is unknown or mysterious, esp. in connection with religion.
5.any blindly accepted belief or notion.

From Wikipedia:

Opening an umbrella indoors is said to result in 21 days of bad luck. Some traditions hold that it is only bad luck if the umbrella is placed over the head of someone while indoors.

When you speak of bad luck, it is said that one should always knock on wood. Also knocking when speaking of good luck apparently helps with having good luck. This is an old Celtic tradition related to belief of wood spirits.

Spilling salt is said to cause a fight or argument during the day. There are several options to "undo" this which seem to relate to various ways of acknowledging the fact that salt was spilled with others present at the scene. One way to revert this is tossing some salt over one's left shoulder with ones right hand.

Breaking a mirror is said to bring bad luck for 7 years. To "undo" this, take the shards of glass and bury them underneath the moonlight.

Uttering the word "MacBeth" in a theatre is said to bring bad luck, unless performing the show. It is commonly referred to as "The Scottish Play." The play is supposedly cursed.

Before traveling a person should, apparently, sit on their luggage.

Triskaidekaphobia--In Western Culture, the number 13 is perceived as unlucky; 12a is sometimes used as a substitute and some buildings skip floor 13 completely.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea - Victoria's Secret models.

Bad Idea - Sumo wrestlers.

Good Idea - Leather jackets.

Bad Idea - Pleather anything.

Good Idea - Cool hats.

Bad Idea - Combovers.

Good Idea - Steak dinners.

Bad Idea - Yagga Vegetarian Steaks.

Good Idea - Women in uniform.

Bad Idea - Men in unitards.

Good Idea - Monday holidays.

Bad Idea - Working lunches.

Good Idea - Hockey.

Bad Idea - Competitive eating contests.

Good Idea - Battlestar Galactica.

Bad Idea - According to Jim.

Good Idea - ESPN.

Bad idea - the Golf Channel.

Good Idea - Stem Cell Research.

Bad Idea - Faith Healing.

Good Idea - Power Water Guns.

Bad Idea - Assault Rifles.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Out Of State Travel

Well, according to my little poll, ya'll prefer my original stuff to my political commentary. Which, while flattering, presents me with a bit of a dilemma. As it happens, mocking the work of others is much easier than actually producing my own work. Weird, right?

See, there's this little thing called writer's block that I catch sometimes. Most times, I can will myself out of it, so it's really just a State of Mind. Which is very close to the State of Denial, which I have often visited. It's not far from the State of Confusion, but a long ways from State of the Art. Of course, I live in the State of Outrage, which borders the Altered States, but I try not to get too close to that border.

But I digress. As I was saying, I do occasionally suffer a bout of writers block, but I do live to serve, so there will be more original content here from now on. I won't be able to resist the occasional political commentary, so they won't be gone altogether, they just won't be the focus of this site.

I'm working on refining my voice, such as it is, and I will continue to ask for your comments and emails, as well as participation in the polls to help guide me. So stay with me, and keep me updated with your feedback. Please don't forget your lead aprons.

Monday, February 9, 2009

People I Don't Trust

I'm not a trusting soul by nature. I'm not quite in the conspiracy theory wingnut class, but I'm certainly within hailing distance. I firmly believe that everyone has a hidden agenda, and since my own internal editor is severely damaged, I don't really get the why of hiding one's intentions. Fortunately, I care very little what most people are up to, so I don't really stress about it. That said, there are some people I keep an eye on.

Far-Right Republicans - I've seen that these pseudo-Christian zealots will stoop to anything to oppress anyone who does not buy into their mythos. Which definitively means yours truly.

People whose middle name is Wayne - Two words - Serial Killers.

Anyone who takes more medications than I do - Except maybe old people, because they do take alot of meds.

Old People - I changed my mind. They have too much time on their hands, who knows what they're thinking about. I suspect they hate us.

Young People - Most people don't really become fully aware of others until their mid-twenties. You can't tell them anything in confidence.

Every Other Driver on the road - I wish I had a motorcade like the President, so everyone would have to pull over when I drove by.

Family - Nobody will f*** you over faster, or more thoroughly, than your relatives.

Mechanics and Contractors - There are few exceptions to the rule that all these guys are out to rip you off.

Joggers - What the hell are they running from?

Hair Stylists - That's way too much power for one person to have over another.

Anyone who doesn't like cats - There are two categories of cat-haters - those who are afraid of cats because they perceive them as sneaky, and those who dislike their independence. The first group consists of people who actually are sneaky, and the second group includes people with deep-seated insecurities. Both groups are inherently fearful and weak, and frightened people with weak characters are the most dangerous animals of all.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Stupor Heroes

I love superhero comics. I'm especially fond of Ms. Marvel, and look forward to her book every month. She's not the only hero I follow, but she's my favorite. Ms. Marvel is flawed, but she's also the archetypal hero, military service, superpowers, including the ability to fly, fights for the greater good, blah, blah, blah...She's also fictional.

As much as I enjoy her adventures, I do not believe that *I* am Ms. Marvel, or that she is any way real. See, in the real world, people never receive alien blood transfusions that give them super strength and the ability to shoot energy beams from their hands. Ever.

Which is what makes the World Superhero Registry so hysterically funny. Or pathetic. Or both. Because these are real people. Dressed in latex and spandex. With capes. Trying to fight crime. Sans superpowers, sense, and sanity. Check out their gallery. I mean, seriously? You morons are going to get killed. Your only hope is that any criminals you happen upon are too busy laughing to actually assault you. Because guns and knives trump roleplaying all day long. So...just...go get jobs, will ya? McDonald's is usually hiring, and comes with a costume and everything. No cape though, it might fall in to the fryer.