Ritually Pissed

Thrills in job seeking

2010-03-29T14:42:00.012-04:00

Wow. Looking for a job is super fun. I haven't found anything yet, but I have been rejected by some really swell folks. It's kind of like dating, only I don't get dinner or a movie before the "It's not you, it's me" speech. I'm not worried, though. I've come up with some really good career ideas. Here are a few of the jobs I feel most qualified for.

Lead singer for a speed metal band.

Quality assurance consultant for medical marijuana growers.

Sweat pants model.

Telephone psychic.

Sleep study participant.

Cat sitter.

Hot dog vendor.

International spy.

Republican speech writer.

Television critic.

Beer taster.

Reality tv star.

Rumor monger.

Heckler.

Slap bet commissioner.

Driving instructor.

Motivational speaker.

Beach tanning coordinator.

Gold prospector.

Heiress.

Anything Ryan Seacrest could do, but won't. Like, date women.

Indoor adventurist.

Brothel madame.

Bigfoot hunter.

If you know of any available positions in any of these fields, please let me know!

Thank you, thank you very much...

2009-11-19T18:54:00.008-05:00

Well, it's Thanksgiving, and it's got me thinking about all the things I'm thankful for. Like....

My sweet job, which allows me to work from home, thereby avoiding all you other drivers who live to piss me off.

Computer illiterates, who allow me to have my sweet job.

Television, where everyone is clever and attractive.

Herbal supplements

Easy women.

My family, who give me a safe, warm feeling of superiority.

Chili Cheese Fritos.

Las Vegas.

Catsforgold.com

$1 double-cheeseburgers at Burger King.

Neve Campbell and Denise Richards making out in Wild Things.

No more Bush-Cheney-Rove bullshit.

Not having to explain my months of silence here.

Gay bars.

Movies where things blow up.

Hockey.

Friends with beer.

What I Want For My Birthday

2009-07-03T09:38:00.008-04:00

All traffic to magically part and let me pass.

Rush Limbaugh's head on a stick.

Legalization of marijuana.

Someone to come clean my house for me.

A haircut.

Free lunch!

All my bills paid.

A week's vacation at the beach.

Equal rights for gays and lesbians.

Denise Richards in my bed.

A carton of cigarettes. (smoke up, johnny)

My cat to refrain from hawking up hairballs.

The return of Carol Danvers as Ms. Marvel.

To be a contestant on Survivor!

The collapse of the Republican party. (great job so far, guys!)

Hockey season tickets.

Winning lottery ticket.

Fireworks.

Things I Wish I Could Say

2009-06-26T12:35:00.004-04:00

How do you even manage to tie your shoes?

I'm sorry, you're too stupid, I can't help you.

Do you ever shut up?

What makes you think I care?

Why does your mother dress you like that?

No one likes you.

I don't think you're aware of other people.

You drive like an idiot.

Oh, nevermind, you are an idiot.

I know you're talking, but all I hear is "blah, blah, blah".

Just keep walking.

Could you please just stop with the breathing?

You know, showering is more effective than overpowering perfume.

I wonder why you're so impressed with yourself?

When did they let you out?

Can I help you find the door?

Man, you really look old in this light.

No one's out to get you. No one wants you.

It really wasn't that good for me.

Shit I Can Do Without

2009-06-24T12:49:00.005-04:00

No raises this year at work.

The heat.

Dick Cheney's mouth.

"It's not you, it's me."

Having everything I say analyzed.

Being broke.

Dealing with garages and insurance people.

Lack of power steering in my car.

Cleaning up after other people.

Techs who want me to do their job for them.

Lifetime movies.

Doctors on power trips.

Math.

Other drivers.

Watching out for other people's feelings.

Trashy people.

Being ignored.

Putting up with other people's crap.

Dickipedia

2009-06-11T13:32:00.001-04:00

Absolutely a must-read!
http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Dick_Cheney

Things I Don't Need

2009-06-10T11:57:00.003-04:00

People telling me I need to "lose a few pounds".

The birthday gift of Vehicle Registration fees.

A really nice detailing job on my car in lieu of working power steering.

Clients telling me how much they prefer other software.

The opportunity to clean up after others.

Stories about how winning the lottery turned out to be a curse for some people.

No Smoking rules.

Being informed that diet sodas are full of harmful chemicals.

Dating advice.

Conversations about other people's health issues.

Being stuck with the tab.

Rush hour traffic.

Commercials.

Jokes about anti-depressants.

Bitching.

Condom machines in the women's restroom.

Text messages while I'm driving.

Unexpected expenses.

Attitude.

The Hits Just Keep Coming

2009-06-01T17:29:00.003-04:00

OK, so I finally got my car back from the body shop Friday. It only took them 3 freakin weeks to fix it. Evidently, either whoever does the parts ordering is an idiot, or they have the worst parts supplier outside of the U.S. military. It took them three tries to get the right hood, then three more to get the right radiator, THEN they had the wrong bumper part. I mean seriously, does anyone buy that? Think up some new excuses, Autoglo.
So I have the car back....and the power steering doesn't work!? WTF? It was working when I pulled the car off the highway after the accident, but it doesn't work now. Of course, they say this has nothing to do with them, and now I have to take the car to another mechanic.
This is officially bullshit. They were all very polite, the front end looks like brand new, and they even detailed the car for me. So maybe I'm just being a bitch here, but I actually expected to be able to drive it without having an upper body workout.
I just want this shit over with.

People I Hate

2009-05-28T12:33:00.005-04:00

Anyone with a big-ass SUV with freakin' tinted windows. I don't wanna look at your sorry ass, I just wanna see traffic. Tool.

The guy at the body shop who keeps getting the wrong f***ing parts for my car.

The bitch with the house on the corner who put boulders on the corner of her yard so no one can take the turn tight anymore. Like that 1 foot of your yard is so precious that everyone should risk collision to avoid accidentally running over it.

Rich, spoiled morons who are too tight to pay working people a living wage.

Everyone who has to slow down in traffic to get a good look at the fender bender on the side of the road.

Dick "Shut the hell up already" Cheney.

Anyone over 30 who still belongs to a "clique".

Everyone involved with NASCAR, especially the fans.

People who abandon their animals. You all oughta be kept chained in a yard and starved.

Arrogant retail clerks. You fold shirts for a living. You are not all that.

Telemarketers. Why isn't this industry dead yet?

Wimpy Democrats.

Self-righteous Republicans.

The insufferable morons on Pogo who insist on keeping up juvenile chat full of lame sexual innuendo in a game room. Go to a freakin' dating site and get some, maybe then you won't feel the need to bore everyone else with your poorly spelled attempts to hook up.

Karma Crash

2009-05-12T14:58:00.003-04:00

OK, after all my ranting about bad drivers, karma finally caught up with me. Friday afternoon, I wrecked my car. Dammit. Nobody was hurt, but it has been an expensive, exhausting ordeal. Everyone I've had to deal with has been pretty cool, from the cop to the insurance adjuster, with one exception - the f***ing rental car guy (Enterprise = bunch of morons). Seems you can't use your debit card to rent a car, unless you have 2 utility bills with you. Cause everyone carries those around with them. In their friend's cars. Asshats. So, after 20 minutes of his painfully polite refusal to help, he asks me where the car is being fixed. I tell him it's at Autoglo in Tucker (shout out to Jerry the dog over there). He's all, "Oh, we know them, let me call over there and if they verify they have your car, we can use your debit card."
To which my friend asked "This, you couldn't have done 20 minutes ago?" Seriously.
So now, I'm waiting impatiently for the body shop and the insurance guy to decide between them if my car is gonna be fixed or totalled. Yeah, it's not been fun.

People I Want To Punch In The Face

2009-05-07T13:01:00.008-04:00

There was a pick your five quiz on Facebook the other day on this subject, and I had such a hard time narrowing it down to just five. I thought I'd post a more complete list here.

George W. Bush

Karl Rove

Dick Cheney

Ann Coulter

Rush Limbaugh

Bill O'Reilly

Pauly Shore

Gilbert Gottfreid

Jim Belushi

Anyone else responsible for According To Jim

Sissy Spacek

Anyone named Kardashian

All the Bachelors and Bachelorettes

Mel Gibson

Fred Phelps

All Televangalists

Newt Gingrich

Sarah Palin

All drivers in front of me in traffic

All shoppers in front of me in line

Anyone in front of me

Michael Vick

Marcus Vick

All wannabe thug rappers

Rednecks

Religious fanatics

Rich people

Anyone who works in a call center in India

People with mullets

Anyone who drives a huge, gas-guzzling SUV that I can't see around

Guys who ride around with their stereos up way too loud

Everyone who tries to rewrite history to make Ronald Reagan look like a great President

Whoever won that $220 million dollar lottery

Things I Have Been Doing Instead of Blogging

2009-05-06T09:19:00.004-04:00

Watching dyke drama.

Playing computer games.

Working.

Appealing to the lottery Gods.

Neglecting my chores.

Getting laid.

Watching TV.

Planning a party.

Trying in vain to comprehend my finances.

Talking to the cat, and believing she understands me.

Smoking.

Enjoying my road rage.

Being smugly satisfied with the new President.

Pondering writer's block.

Sin Pretty

2009-04-13T10:48:00.003-04:00

I caught the Sin Pretty show at the Moon Shadow Tavern Saturday night. I'm no reviewer, but these girls flat-out rock. If you're in the Atlanta area, you really need to check out this band. Their next show is Thursday, May 7th, at Smith's Olde Bar at 7pm. I'm telling you, see them once, and you'll be an instant fan. http://www.sinpretty.com/home.html

Fun April Fool's Jokes

2009-04-01T11:01:00.004-04:00

Tell small children that Mickey Mouse died.

Bounce your rent check.

Tell your significant other that you found someone younger and better looking. Oh, and richer.

Go to dinner with friends and "forget" your wallet.

Wear a Ralph Nader campaign t-shirt.

Tell everyone it's your birthday and demand gifts.

Dye your roommate's dog purple with Kool-Aid.

Toss a new red towel into your brother's laundry.

Bake a nice batch of Ex-Lax brownies for everyone in the office.

Pack all of a co-workers' personal items in a box and set it on his desk while he's at lunch. When he gets back, tell him the boss wants to see him.

Call tech support and ask them where the "any" key is.

Tell your brother-in-law that he picked the wrong sibling, and wink suggestively. This is funnier if you're a guy.

Put yellow food coloring in your buddy's beer, then tell her she looks a little jaundiced.

Three words - Flaming Dog Poo.

Going For Broke

2009-03-31T14:07:00.005-04:00

I am broke. I was stressing out about it, but I took a pill, and now I don't care anymore. In fact, I'm totally fine with it. I'm just thinking about all the cool things I can do with no money!

Stare in restaurant windows at people eating and make them uncomfortable.

Chase the cat with the vacuum.

Extol the virtues of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Clean the kitchen floor, all the while wondering where the singing mice and birdies are.

Watch TV shows On Demand. Because I am nothing, if not demanding.

Teach the dog to sing.

Try to make my computer games work with Windows Vista until it makes me weep.

Meditate on the meaning of hockey.

Try to catch Cheese-its in my mouth.

Chase the cat again, while vacuuming up Cheese-its.

Yell at my bank manager for screwing everything up, even though it's not her fault.

Lie around like a lump.

Sit smugly in my house while everyone fights rush hour in the rain.

Read comic books.

I better get busy, I have alot to do.

Calling Names

2009-03-24T07:41:00.003-04:00

Well, lately, since I've been working from home, I haven't had to deal with people as much. At least, not face-to-face. Which is a good thing, in my case, since I tend to not like people very much. I do go into the office on Mondays, though, and while I was in yesterday, I noticed that I have a habit of naming the people that I see alot, but don't know by name.
Some of the nicknames are innocuous, like "Mail room Lady", or "Boss Guy." Others are more indicative of my prejudices. My office has some interesting characters. There's the woman who always smokes outside of the smoking area. I call her "Rules Don't Apply to me."
The guy who hasn't changed his haircut since 1st grade is "Little Boy Hair."
There are a couple of guys that I can't even tell apart, who like the long hair with beard look. I call them "The Bearded Ladies."
The person I most try to avoid is the non-stop talker I've named "Please Pay Attention to me." I may strangle her one fine day.
There's a group of gay girls who work down in the mail room. I know them, collectively, as "The Downstairs Dykes". They include "Dude, Where's My Neck?", "Stretch", and "Short & Sweet".
Then there's the overly smug silver-haired guy, "Look How Smart I am", the false bravado of "Insecurity Guy", and the political demagogue "Listen To Me."
Other male characters include "Too Good For This Place", "Parties Too Hard", "The Clueless Kid", "Overcompensation Man", and "Stuck In The 60's."
And let's not forget the women - "Yes, I Am A Bitch", "One Day I'm Gonna Kill You All", "You Will Respect Me", and "Please Be My Friend."
I guess my nickname should be "Judging You All."

Cool Links

2009-03-20T11:52:00.002-04:00

Oracle of Bacon - Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. This is a fun site.

Alien Abductees - Alien abduction experiences and research. OK then.

Holy Taco - One of my favorite quirky, cool sites.

Geocaching - Treasure hunting via GPS.

Infiltration - Urban exploration. Cool idea, kinda spooky. I like that.

Best of Craig's List - Angry, bitter, foolish people post weird stuff on Craig's List. Gotta love it!

Geeks of Doom - All things Geeky. A must see.

The Tortellini - Bites of Law and Politics, with Sauce. Very interesting stuff.

{dŭm’ăs-ə-fō’bē-ə} - A guy after my own bitter heart.

Losing The Edge

2009-03-18T07:41:00.003-04:00

OK, so, here's the problem: I'm not myself lately. I've...lost my edge. I haven't wanted to punch hardly anyone in weeks. Well, except the people in front of me in traffic, I can always count on them. Oh, and those assholes at AIG. And Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh and their ilk. Yeah, and myself, kinda, because I continue to be baffled by my checking account, and it turns out they charge for cluelessness. And whatever programming tool at Fox that moved Terminator to Fridays. But hardly anyone else.
Maybe it's the meds messing with me. It could be that my personal life is humming along pretty well. I have the strangest feeling lately. I smile at people. I say, "Hello" to strangers. I know what it is, I've seen it before in Disney movies. I'm just embarrassed to say it. It's all so different and out of character for me, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Alright, here it is: I'm....I think that I might be......happy...ish. I mean, I'm not angry, or bitter, or cynical, or any of the other stuff that makes me who I am. Well, it's probably temporary, but it's f***ing with my head.
Does anyone know how this sh*t works?

Greedy Bastards at AIG

2009-03-17T11:43:00.003-04:00

There's an excellent piece on the AIG debacle by Matt Miller on The Daily Beast today. Those guys are throwing gas on the fire that's raging through our economy. These robber barons of the new millennium really don't get it, do they? They already have millions of dollars, and they want to take more from us?! Way to call bullsh*t, Matt!

Catching Leprechauns

2009-03-17T08:00:00.003-04:00

From Chiff.com:

How to Trap a Leprechaun
You can make a trap with common household items. Take a net, a cardboard box, green paint, green tissue paper, some pennies and an old shoe. Firstly, paint the cardboard box green and place the old shoe inside. Cover the opening with thin green tissue paper. Carefully lay the pennies on the tissue paper. (If you don't want to use real money, you can easily substitute chocolate gold- wrapped coins or make your own by cutting circles out of cardboard and painting them gold).
Place the trap near some trees or hedgerows. Make sure it's disguised well and blends into the surroundings. When the Leprechaun sees the coins he will try to collect them. He will step onto the tissue paper, it will break and he will fall into the box. Now quickly throw the net over him.
You can also try to lure a leprechaun with some poteen instead of an old shoe. When he falls into the box he will drink the brew, get drunk and then you can grab him.
No one has yet caught a leprechaun, but don't be discouraged. Start looking today. Good luck !!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Cats & Dogs

2009-03-11T08:29:00.002-04:00

A friend of mine turned me on to this, I don't know who wrote it, but it's some funny stuff:

DOG DIARY
8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly . I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Distracted

2009-03-10T08:58:00.002-04:00

OK, I admit it, I've been distracted. I switched meds and it's taking some adjusting on my part. I'm OK, I just haven't been very creative during this process. I don't want this to turn into one of those "What I did today" kind of blogs, so I won't post if I don't have anything entertaining to say. So, no worries, I'm sure I'll get my groove back soon. Baby screech owl agrees.

Gay Marriage

2009-03-06T09:11:00.002-05:00

Time has an article on California's Proposition 8 that ya'll oughta read.
See, this is why I hate people. Proposition 8 is a fine example of what happens when you let the majority make decisions that affect minorities (Jim Crow, anyone?). Evidently, Californians can change their state constitution any time the wind blows, and I'd say they need to look at changing that, for exactly this reason.
The herd mind is dumb and fearful. You tell people that gay marriage is a threat, and they believe that horseshit. This is nothing new. Look back at the reaction to interracial marriage as little as 50 years ago, and you'll see the same hateful, ugly rhetoric and faulty, convoluted logic in those arguments. I mean word for word. Hate is a powerful force, much more so than tolerance. Because hate is primal. It's born in, and driven by fear. You don't look/act/think/believe like I do, so you must be against me. You might hurt me, take something away from me. Ridiculous? Yes. Childish? Yes. Narcissistic? Of course! Anytime you think that what other people choose to do with their lives is about you? What else would you call it?
Get a grip, folks. I assure you, my life has nothing to do with your Bible-thumping, lame-ass, pathetic existence. I'm no threat to you, so leave me and my gay brothers and sisters alone. All we want are the same basic human rights that you enjoy. It costs you nothing.

The Shiny

2009-03-03T12:47:00.005-05:00

The following conversation occurred way back in 2006, but it hasn't lost it's relevance for me one bit. And since I seem to be experiencing a serious case of writer's block, I thought I'd share it with ya'll.

T- Tell me something most people wouldn't guess about you.

K- Hmm, OK. I love shopping. Clothes, furniture, food, any kind of store.I love it.

T- No way! I love shopping too!

K- It's like, I just wanna find the coolest, shiniest thing.

T- Exactly. The search for the shiny.

K- That's it! I am on the search for the shiny!

T- Me too!

K- But G doesn't seem like she'd be all that interested in shiny things

T- (laughs) No, not at all.

K- So, is she all like, "that's not in the budget!"?

T- Yes, she's much more practical. I'm like, we just won't pay the light bill. The shiny thing will light up the apartment!

K- And she's all "Well, let me check next weeks' budget, and maybe we can come back"

T- "...and if it continues to be shiny, we might get it."

K- ...and you're like...

T- I'm like, "Look! An even shinier thing!"

K- (laughs) I knew it! Next week? Who has that kind of attention span?

T- It misses the whole point of the shiny, really.

K- We are the reason Wal-Mart owns the country, you know.

Untitled

2009-03-02T13:54:00.003-05:00

This is the very beginning of a story I've been working on. It's not humor or politics, but I thought ya'll might like something a bit different. It's a very rough first draft, but let me know what ya think so far.

My father was convicted of stealing fuel cells from the transport yard when I was yet a babe in arms. He was, of course, executed for his crime, along with my mother, as the law at that time dictated. Had I been older, I should have shared their fate. However, given my tender age, settlement law dictated that I was to be considered untainted, and given over as a ward of the territories, to be raised in the girl’s orphanage at Surma Unda.
Life at the orphanage was not as harsh as it might have been in other places. We were given sufficient food, clean uniforms and dormitories, and even provided a basic education. The Matris of the orphanage, while maintaining the discipline needed when providing for just over 100 young girls, also recognized that a certain amount of spirit in a young girl is not always a bad thing.
Being spirited myself, I had many occasions to discuss this belief with her, and she found assignments for me that fit with my active curiosity. Most days, this meant that I worked with Domina Ardinis , assisting in the repair and maintenance of the orphanage’s various machinery, including the elderly ground transport slide the dominas used to carry goods to and from the market district.
The slide was a rusting relic “donated” to the orphanage by the consulius when the Matris was still young. I had gathered from eavesdropping on Domina Ardinis and the Matris during their many discussions about whatever parts of the slide currently needed replacing that the consulius had discovered a clause in territorial law that allowed them to acquire a new transport at the expense of the territory if a presently functional one owned by the consulius were to be appropriated for the use of territorial wards. They quickly diverted the aging slide from its overdue trip to the recyclium and gifted it to the old Matris.
As unreliable as the old slide was, it was still a vast improvement over the udana cart the old Matris had to make do with, a fact that our Matris never failed to remind Domina Ardinis of whenever the Domina’s side of the discussion grew too “spirited”. I could scarcely imagine a darker prospect than having to rely on one of those treacherous beasts for transportation. Only poor Outlanders used them for cart-pulling, and even those hard provincials were wary of the brutal, filthy, frighteningly quick jaws. I’d read in my history of their use as mounts by the soldiers of the warlords during the War of the Territories, but this was clearly a fiction, as the creatures were only just tamer than the mountain wolves, and not a small part larger besides. The orphanage had a small herd of surly udana cows, for their thick fur could be dyed and woven into cunning tapestries and cloaks that we could sell in the market district for the coins needed to purchase those staples we could not produce for ourselves. Of course, the huge animals could only be sheared after a healthy dose of tranquilizer. Given their great size, this meant there were often any number of them wandering about half shorn, the half that had landed on the ground still sporting a full growth of dirty gray fur. I had a healthy fear of the creatures, and gave their pen a wide berth.
The hours I spent helping Domina Ardinis tinker with that disreputable old slide were the happiest of my young life. The Domina was a stout, profane woman with a quick wit and a quicker temper, but she taught me everything she knew about machinery. And as I would discover, that was a great deal.

I had many friends amongst the other orphans, but Iliki was the closest to a real sister that I would ever know. She was as calm and serious as I was wild and giddy. She was a tiny thing, fine-boned and refined even as a child. She had hair the color of honey and copper eyes set in a perfect porcelain complexion. I think she knew that we were all a little in love with her, and she endeavored in all things never to wound anyone. For all her austerity, she had a merry laugh, and I was ever trying to coax it from her with some bit of foolishness.
Iliki’s regular assignment was in the barnyard, caring for the stock and fowl, for she had a true gift for soothing the beasts. I had even seen her (from a prudent distance) cooing to a pregnant udana from the top of the wooden fence, while she fed a tuft of yellowtop grass to the massive animal. I called out to warn her away, but she merely laughed and patted the beast’s broad side before dropping to the ground and running to join me.
I often laughed to watch her as she fed the chickens in their pen, for they would follow her about as if they were bewitched. She could gather their eggs without arousing even a cluck of protest, and to see her cupping a downy chick in her hand was to witness something akin to magic.
More rarely, she would come to the machine shed with me and watch me work with Domina Ardinis , who could scarce abide my mischief as I sought to entertain my friend. Likely the Domina was as fond of Iliki as everyone else was, and she never had to send the girl away. Iliki could tell when my antics had tested Ardinis far enough, and she would laugh and wave as she headed back to her beloved animals.
I worked alone with Domina Ardinis, but Iliki usually had other girls assigned to work with her, and no particular Domina was charged with the animals. Rather, they all seemed to take a turn at the hard chores of our tiny farm, although Domina Mies presided over the gardening.
Most often, Iliki worked with a hard girl named Nessa. Nessa was the fastest runner, the best climber, the best fighter, the best at all things physical, of all us girls. She was boastful and insolent, and we all feared and secretly despised her. Except, of course, for Iliki, who saw the good in everyone, even the udana. Nessa affected to be unmoved by Iliki, but I noticed she never bullied my friend, and was even a bit less combative in her presence.
I asked Iliki how she was able to get along with such an unpleasant girl, but she just frowned and said, “Sira, don’t be mean. She just misses her family, that’s why she’s angry.”
I was chastised. I knew that the girls who came to the orphanage older than I had usually wept inconsolably when they first arrived, and I had heard them speak of their grief openly, in the way that children do, but I would never have ascribed such feelings to Nessa. I didn’t think Nessa had ever cried, even in the beginning. To my knowledge, Nessa only caused pain, not felt it herself. I knew immediately that Iliki was right, but I would never have seen it on my own, and it did little to impair my instinctive dislike of the girl. Curious, I asked Iliki, “Don’t you miss your family? You’re never mean to anyone”, but she just gave me a sad little smile and turned away. It broke my heart, and I labored ever after not to antagonize Nessa, as disagreeable as she was.

Save Yourself From The Aliens

2009-02-26T07:52:00.003-05:00

Have you or someone you know been abducted by aliens? Do little gray men sneak into your room at night and steal you away to their ship and perform experiments on you? Do you have strange lapses in memory, like an utter inability to recall anything that occurs while you are sleeping? Not to worry! I've found a site on preventing alien abductions!

Follow these helpful guidelines from the site and protect yourself!

Leave bright light on; in your room, hallway, and other rooms where Children or others sleep. Or everybody sleep in same room. This is also helpful in keeping away the boogeyman.

If you have a UPS (Uninterruptable Power Supply) for use with computers, plug the lamp into that. (In case abductions include power disruption) This guy thinks of EVERYTHING!

Hurry and buy or rustle up fast, before tonight, some kind of warning buzzer that will alarm you if the power goes off. Uh, I'm pretty sure buzzer-rustling is a crime? Punishable by hanging? Plus, where am I gonna get a black hat and a bandanna before bedtime?

If you have floor fans and/or table fans, bring them into your room and turn them all on, air-stream directed away from you of course. It would be great if one or more fan could be plugged into a UPS. Will a snow-blower work?

Keep a flashlight with fresh batteries beside you in bed (sleep with it!). Well, duh, who doesn't sleep with their flashlight?

If you have an attic fan, turn it on. And piss off the leprechauns in the attic? No thank you!

Spread salt all around your bed; surround it entirely. My doctor told me to stay away from excess salt, can I use Lite Salt? Or, better yet, pepper?

If you have access or can buy quickly (by tonight) the essence of an herb called Yarrow (achillea millefolium), spread it around your bed-room. Aliens hate herbs! And essences!

If nobody is pregnant in your house, also buy essence of an herb called pennyroyal (hedeoma pulegioides) and spread it around your bed-room. Aliens and babies hate pennyroyal!

Sleep with iron bars nearby or preferably, next to you. A crucifix made of iron would be good too. Prisoners are safe. Whew.

Fight For Your Id

2009-02-25T11:16:00.006-05:00

Today, I would like to examine an American musical masterpiece, Fight For Your Right, by the Beastie Boys, from a psychological perspective. I can only hope to scratch the surface of the wisdom contained therein. It would take a finer mind than mine to plumb the depths of meaning in these complex phrases.

Kick it! The brilliance here is evident from the very first line, which evokes the powerful imagery of the act of kicking it. One can almost feel the visceral joy of said kick.

You wake up late for school man you don't wanna go. Immediately, the song addresses the central theme, which is the internal struggle between what Freud labeled the Id and the Superego. The Id, of course, is the subject's unconscious desires, versus the Superego, or the pressure felt to adhere to societal mores; in this case, going to school.
You ask your mom, "Please?" but she still says, "No!" Here, the struggle becomes externalized, as a direct confrontation between the Id-driven self and an authority figure.
You missed two classes and no homework. Now we have an attempt to assuage the thwarted Id with a partial victory over the enforced adherence to the rules.
But your teacher preaches class like you're some kind of jerk. Now the Id lashes out, projecting the resentment felt toward the parental figure onto a substitute authority figure.
You gotta fight for your right to party. Ultimately, this struggle is won, at least internally, by the Id, as we see from the confrontational nature of the chorus.
Your pops caught you smoking and he said, "No way!" This time, the authority figure is male, but the theme continues.
That hypocrite smokes two packs a day. The fact that both the subject and the parental figure are male may compound the conflict with Oedipal overtones.
Man, living at home is such a drag. Here, the subject expresses his frustration with the restrictions placed upon him within the parental home.
Now your mom threw away your best porno mag. Busted! This line further suggests that an Oedipus complex may be a secondary subject in the work.
[repeat chorus]
Don't step out of this house if that's the clothes you're gonna wear.
I'll kick you out of my home if you don't cut that hair. Both of these lines serve to reinforce the subjects feeling of impotence in the face of authority.
Your mom busted in and said, "What's that noise?" Here, the subject's preferences (at least in music) are openly challenged.
Aw, mom you're just jealous it's the Beastie Boys! Because of his feelings of powerlessness, his response is classically passive-aggressive.
[repeat chorus]

I mean, wow. Heavy stuff.

Translating Tech Support

2009-02-24T07:48:00.006-05:00

In keeping with my personal mission to bring peace between those of us who provide tech support and the users who avail themselves of our services, I've put together a quick primer of commonly used phrases and their translations.

Test feature. - glitch

I'll have to research this. - I have no f***ing idea.

The developers are aware of the issue. - They don't have a f***ing idea, either.

This was caused by incorrect input in certain fields. - You screwed it up.

We are working on it now. - We screwed it up.

I'll need to log into your system. - You aren't bright enough to follow my directions.

Do you have a backup? - If things haven't already gone horribly awry, they're about to.

That's outside the scope of what I do here. - I can probably fix it, but I won't, because it's not my job.

I can understand your frustration. - Quit your damn whining.

Is there a better time for you to address this? - Put me on hold again and I will drive there and bitch-slap you.

I'll certainly pass along your suggestions to development. - Why don't you build your own software if you know so damn much?

Could I speak with your technician or network administrator? - You don't sound like you can even find the keyboard.

Is there anything else I can help you with? - Please say no, please say no, please say no....

A Little Help From My Friends

2009-02-23T08:13:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to acknowledge some friends of mine who helped me through an unexpected personal crisis this weekend. A big ol' thanks to Bridgit, Aleta, Pippa, and Donna for your support. I don't know what I'd have done without you.

"A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else." - Len Wein

Excuses, excuses

2009-02-19T07:50:00.011-05:00

Lately, we've been enjoying some exceptionally warm, pleasant days here in Atlanta. The kind of days that make you want to play hooky. In the interest of public service (because I do live to serve), here are some handy excuses for missing work:

All excuses should be preceded by the phrase "What had happened was..."

Mom's in jail again.

The dog got into the Viagra and humped all my tires flat.

I'm having an existential crisis.

My apartment building is surrounded by rabid pigeons.

I fell out of bed and sprained my pyramidalis.

There's a plague of toads in my shower.

How can I work when there's so much suffering in Indochina?

I have the 24-hour Ebola virus.

I'm out of my anti-psychotic pills.

Tiny elves have hidden my shoes and car keys.

I've almost figured out the equation for silly string theory.

The house plants are all sick.

I've been abducted by llamas.

I'm on a Twinkie binge. I may require rehab.

This is not the employee you are looking for.

I'm in training for the International Hand Jive Championships (for the glory of our company).

Wait, what year is this?

My hovercraft is in the shop.

I'm trying to remember the names of all seven brides and brothers.

And of course, the ever popular - I'm bleeding from the eyes.

Have a nice day off.

Things I Like

2009-02-18T11:45:00.004-05:00

I seem to have alot of people asking me who or what I do like, since I generally share my dislikes with ya'll. Obviously, even I can't hate everyone and everything. I make damn sure that the people I like know who they are, so here's a list of some of the things I like.

Television.
Cats.
Cigarettes.
Mocking others.
Fast cars.
Hot women.
Good grooming.
Intelligence.
Tattoos.
Cheeseburgers.
Confidence.
Hockey.
Political snark.
Diet Mountain Dew.
Clean antique furniture.
Comic books featuring female heroes.
Nice hotels.
Computer games that simulate world domination.
Actual world domination.
Rollercoasters.
Smart humor.

Of course, I don't like people who post lists of things they like, so I'm just gonna go indulge in a bit of self-loathing.

The Homosexual Agenda

2009-02-17T12:18:00.004-05:00

Well, the conservatives have been worried for some time now about the "Homosexual Agenda". And while it has been fun watching them fret about what manner of nefarious, anti-family plots those hedonists have been brewing, I think it's time to set the record...erm...straight. Now, I may have missed some meetings, so if I skip anything, ya'll feel free to add it on.

Agenda Items:

The institution of a nationwide "Happy Hour", with half-price cocktails.

The right to adopt babies who will eventually grow into ungrateful, sullen teenagers and make us feel like we failed as parents.

Inclusion of tanning salons in insurance coverage.

The right to inherit our partner's crushing debt, so we have something to remember them by.

The addition of the letter H to the movie ratings system. Some movies are obviously for us, but others have a more subtle appeal that may not be entirely clear from reviews (G.I. Jane, anyone?)

The right to be badgered into marriage, so we can lose half our stuff in the divorce, because any excuse for shopping is a good excuse.

American Drag Idol.

That's about it. See? We're not really asking for that much, are we?

Driving Me Crazy

2009-02-16T18:51:00.005-05:00

I know I've been a little distracted lately, and I wanna make it up to ya'll. So here's a vent on my very favorite subject.
I may have mentioned that I do not like other drivers. I'll admit that I am not the only decent driver in the world, but it's a pretty slim percentage of car jockeys that aren't gonna test the effectiveness of my meds. Yes, I'm aggressive, and yes, I am in a hurry, actually. I'm in a hurry to get the hell out of traffic before I rip a tonsil screaming at the astounding stupidity of most other people on the roads. My rush is for your own safety. So MOVE already.
What the hell is with these drivers who leave a quarter of a mile between them and the car in front of them at traffic lights? Even if it blocks the turn lane? If these asshats had any idea how much this makes me wanna shove their stupid SUVs into that car they're so damn worried about hitting, they might realize how much safer it would be to just tighten it up already.
Oh, and here's another clue - if I put on my turn signal? It means I'm probably gonna turn! So maybe you could back the hell off my ass already. I mean, you won't pull up to the bumper of a car that's sitting still at a light, but you can't even slow down to let me make a left turn?
And while we're at it? Get. Off. Your f***ing cellphone. You insufferable moron. You aren't that great a driver anyways,and let's be honest here - nothing you have to say is all that important anyway. So do the rest of us a favor and stop your yammering until you get wherever the hell you're going.
I don't even understand traffic jams on the expressway. Here's an idea - any numbf*** who causes an accident during rush hour? Jerk that license. See you at the bus stop, dumbass. Now you can talk on your phone all you want. Win/win. And if there isn't an accident? Why aren't we moving? Someone please explain to me why we need to creep along at 10mph if there's nothing blocking the road?
Look, I realize that my aggressive driving style may frighten and annoy others. It's just that I don't care. So just let me pass and we'll all get along fine. And have a nice day.

Friday the 13th

2009-02-13T08:23:00.004-05:00

I love Friday the 13th! Actually, after the week I've had? I just love Friday. (Hopefully next week won't be so brutal, and I'll be able to get more posting done.) But the 13th is special! Not because I believe it's unlucky, but because there are actually people who do! And laughing at the fears of others is just what I do, folks. Hey, a little mocking never hurt anyone, and superstitious people are begging for it! Here's some fun info I found to illustrate how stupid it really is:

From Dictionary.com:

su⋅per⋅sti⋅tion –noun
1.a belief or notion, not based on reason or knowledge, in or of the ominous significance of a particular thing, circumstance, occurrence, proceeding, or the like.
2.a system or collection of such beliefs.
3.a custom or act based on such a belief.
4.irrational fear of what is unknown or mysterious, esp. in connection with religion.
5.any blindly accepted belief or notion.

From Wikipedia:

Opening an umbrella indoors is said to result in 21 days of bad luck. Some traditions hold that it is only bad luck if the umbrella is placed over the head of someone while indoors.

When you speak of bad luck, it is said that one should always knock on wood. Also knocking when speaking of good luck apparently helps with having good luck. This is an old Celtic tradition related to belief of wood spirits.

Spilling salt is said to cause a fight or argument during the day. There are several options to "undo" this which seem to relate to various ways of acknowledging the fact that salt was spilled with others present at the scene. One way to revert this is tossing some salt over one's left shoulder with ones right hand.

Breaking a mirror is said to bring bad luck for 7 years. To "undo" this, take the shards of glass and bury them underneath the moonlight.

Uttering the word "MacBeth" in a theatre is said to bring bad luck, unless performing the show. It is commonly referred to as "The Scottish Play." The play is supposedly cursed.

Before traveling a person should, apparently, sit on their luggage.

Triskaidekaphobia--In Western Culture, the number 13 is perceived as unlucky; 12a is sometimes used as a substitute and some buildings skip floor 13 completely.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

2009-02-12T07:51:00.010-05:00

Good Idea - Victoria's Secret models.

Bad Idea - Sumo wrestlers.

Good Idea - Leather jackets.

Bad Idea - Pleather anything.

Good Idea - Cool hats.

Bad Idea - Combovers.

Good Idea - Steak dinners.

Bad Idea - Yagga Vegetarian Steaks.

Good Idea - Women in uniform.

Bad Idea - Men in unitards.

Good Idea - Monday holidays.

Bad Idea - Working lunches.

Good Idea - Hockey.

Bad Idea - Competitive eating contests.

Good Idea - Battlestar Galactica.

Bad Idea - According to Jim.

Good Idea - ESPN.

Bad idea - the Golf Channel.

Good Idea - Stem Cell Research.

Bad Idea - Faith Healing.

Good Idea - Power Water Guns.

Bad Idea - Assault Rifles.

Out Of State Travel

2009-02-10T12:28:00.003-05:00

Well, according to my little poll, ya'll prefer my original stuff to my political commentary. Which, while flattering, presents me with a bit of a dilemma. As it happens, mocking the work of others is much easier than actually producing my own work. Weird, right?

See, there's this little thing called writer's block that I catch sometimes. Most times, I can will myself out of it, so it's really just a State of Mind. Which is very close to the State of Denial, which I have often visited. It's not far from the State of Confusion, but a long ways from State of the Art. Of course, I live in the State of Outrage, which borders the Altered States, but I try not to get too close to that border.

But I digress. As I was saying, I do occasionally suffer a bout of writers block, but I do live to serve, so there will be more original content here from now on. I won't be able to resist the occasional political commentary, so they won't be gone altogether, they just won't be the focus of this site.

I'm working on refining my voice, such as it is, and I will continue to ask for your comments and emails, as well as participation in the polls to help guide me. So stay with me, and keep me updated with your feedback. Please don't forget your lead aprons.

People I Don't Trust

2009-02-09T12:31:00.004-05:00

I'm not a trusting soul by nature. I'm not quite in the conspiracy theory wingnut class, but I'm certainly within hailing distance. I firmly believe that everyone has a hidden agenda, and since my own internal editor is severely damaged, I don't really get the why of hiding one's intentions. Fortunately, I care very little what most people are up to, so I don't really stress about it. That said, there are some people I keep an eye on.

Far-Right Republicans - I've seen that these pseudo-Christian zealots will stoop to anything to oppress anyone who does not buy into their mythos. Which definitively means yours truly.

People whose middle name is Wayne - Two words - Serial Killers.

Anyone who takes more medications than I do - Except maybe old people, because they do take alot of meds.

Old People - I changed my mind. They have too much time on their hands, who knows what they're thinking about. I suspect they hate us.

Young People - Most people don't really become fully aware of others until their mid-twenties. You can't tell them anything in confidence.

Every Other Driver on the road - I wish I had a motorcade like the President, so everyone would have to pull over when I drove by.

Family - Nobody will f*** you over faster, or more thoroughly, than your relatives.

Mechanics and Contractors - There are few exceptions to the rule that all these guys are out to rip you off.

Joggers - What the hell are they running from?

Hair Stylists - That's way too much power for one person to have over another.

Anyone who doesn't like cats - There are two categories of cat-haters - those who are afraid of cats because they perceive them as sneaky, and those who dislike their independence. The first group consists of people who actually are sneaky, and the second group includes people with deep-seated insecurities. Both groups are inherently fearful and weak, and frightened people with weak characters are the most dangerous animals of all.

Stupor Heroes

2009-02-06T12:25:00.005-05:00

I love superhero comics. I'm especially fond of Ms. Marvel, and look forward to her book every month. She's not the only hero I follow, but she's my favorite. Ms. Marvel is flawed, but she's also the archetypal hero, military service, superpowers, including the ability to fly, fights for the greater good, blah, blah, blah...She's also fictional.

As much as I enjoy her adventures, I do not believe that *I* am Ms. Marvel, or that she is any way real. See, in the real world, people never receive alien blood transfusions that give them super strength and the ability to shoot energy beams from their hands. Ever.

Which is what makes the World Superhero Registry so hysterically funny. Or pathetic. Or both. Because these are real people. Dressed in latex and spandex. With capes. Trying to fight crime. Sans superpowers, sense, and sanity. Check out their gallery.

Just...no. I mean, seriously? You morons are going to get killed. Your only hope is that any criminals you happen upon are too busy laughing to actually assault you. Because guns and knives trump roleplaying all day long. So...just...go get jobs, will ya? McDonald's is usually hiring, and comes with a costume and everything. No cape though, it might fall in to the fryer.

"No Votes" Votes No

2009-02-04T10:00:00.006-05:00

From Ben Smith's blog on Politico:
John McCain writes to his list that he opposes the stimulus package and asks backers to sign a "Vote No" petition, putting a dent in the plans for an Obama-McCain buddy movie, and demonstrating a kind of populism that he shied away from when he was running for president:

Yesterday, the Senate began debate on an economic stimulus package that is intended to get our economy back on track and help Americans who are suffering through these difficult times.
Unfortunately, the proposal on the table is big on the giveaways for the special interests and corporate high rollers, yet short on help for ordinary working Americans. Business as usual on Capitol Hill...

I cannot and do not support the package on the table from the Democrats and the Obama Administration. Our country does not need just another spending bill, particularly not one that will load future generations with the burden of massive debt. You mean, like the trillions we already owe? Or the billions in bailout you were so keen to load us up with?

We need a short term stimulus bill that will directly help people, create jobs, and provide a jolt to our economy. Lovely rhetoric. No, really. It's a gift politicians have of making broadly appealing statements that are impossible to disagree with, but have no real substance. I admire a well-crafted line of bulls**t.

I believe we need to evaluate every bit of spending in this stimulus proposal with one important criteria - does it really stimulate the economy and help create jobs - if the answer is no, it does not belong in a so-called stimulus package. This is the heart of the matter, as far as I'm concerned. Not his criteria, but the idea that the proposal should be thoroughly examined. To my horror, I have slowly come to the realization that our representatives rarely even read the bills they vote on. I think every single item should be examined by a bi-partisan committee before it ever comes to a vote. Voting along party lines just isn't good enough. Let's have these guys wake the hell up and actually look out for our best interests for a change. This is OUR money, after all.

Furthermore, the stimulus must include significant direct relief to American workers in the form of payroll tax cuts and programs to help homeowners keep their homes. Finally, we need an end game to this stimulus so that when our economy recovers, these spending programs do not remain permanent and saddle our children with a skyrocketing national debt. Payroll tax cuts are not what we need. That money would be better spent on infrastructure projects that put people to work doing something for the benefit of everyone. Hoover dam ring a bell? Remember the TVA? Give us our New Deal! And projects like that would have a built-in shelf life.

I appreciate the discussions President Obama is having with my Republican colleagues, but the time for talking has come to an end and we must now begin some serious negotiation. Um, how are you going to negotiate without talking?

But as of yet, Republicans have not been given the opportunity to be involved. That's pretty rich, considering the last administration carried on as if their opposing party was completely irrelevant. That isn't happening now, and it didn't happen under Clinton.

The House of Representatives passed a stimulus bill without a single Republican supporting it. In the Senate, the Democrat leadership is trying to jam the existing proposal through regardless of reservations from a number of members. With so much at stake, the last thing we need is partisanship driving our attempts to turn the economy around. I couldn't agree more. But these guys have had an adversarial relationship for so long now, what they need is for their leadership to show them how to reach across the aisle. Not for said leadership to be passing around petitions looking to block the other party.

I have long been a fighter against wasteful spending in Washington and long an advocate for a balanced budget -- that will never change. I realize we face extraordinary challenges with our economy today, but that is not an excuse for more irresponsibly from Washington. I hope you will join me in saying no to this stimulus package as it currently exists by signing this petition. You have been, and I admire you for it, but this isn't the way to bring us together.

Sincerely,
John McCain
Chair, Country First PAC

Aiding and Abirding

2009-02-03T07:58:00.006-05:00

Last week, I warned everyone about the grave danger we face from malicious bird attacks. It looks like the problem is worse than I feared, as our clever foes now have the ability to disguise themselves as articles of clothing. For the first time, their canny ruse has been exposed.

From The Australian: An alleged bird smuggler had his feathers ruffled when Customs officers seized two live pigeons stuffed into his tights.

The 23-year-old man of Meadow Heights in suburban Melbourne had just landed at Melbourne Airport on Sunday after a flight from Dubai when customs and border control officers stopped him and searched his bags. They allegedly found in the man's pocket a multi-vitamin container holding two birds eggs, and a further search revealed he was wearing tights with the two live birds stuffed inside, one in each leg. The eggs indicate that indoctrination begins very early for these airborne enemies of humanity.

Officers also seized a money belt containing plant seeds and undeclared samples of eggplant in the passenger's baggage before he was handed over to Australian Quarantine and Inspection Services staff.

"Wildlife smuggling is not only cruel to the animals involved, it poses a severe risk to the Australian environment and the health of the Australian community," Customs spokesman Richard Janeczko said.

"It is important that people declare all animal and plant materials to customs and border protection when they enter Australia."

If convicted, the alleged smuggler could face up to 10 years in jail and/or a $110,000 fine.

A Customs spokeswoman said it was not known what the pigeons were intended to be used for, adding the man was expected to be charged on summons with wildlife smuggling offences.

It is unclear from the article if the man was allied with these nefarious Aves, or just an unwitting victim. Either way, they are obviously escalating, if they are bringing humans into their evil plots. I suspect we will be seeing more of this kind of thing. Stay alert!

Lemonade Award

2009-02-02T11:38:00.002-05:00

Ritually Pissed has been nominated for a Lemonade Award. I have no idea why, since it is apparantly an award for good attitude and gratitude.

But I guess even crazy, bitter old Aunt KP gets invited to the family gatherings sometimes. So, thanks to Freda over at FredaBeMe for the nod.

Fowl Fouls - Danger From The Skies?

2009-01-31T11:35:00.008-05:00

I think it's high time someone drew attention to the clear and present danger of bird attacks. While we blithely go about our lives, evil beady eyes are watching from the skies, awaiting the perfect opportunity to swoop in and....do whatever it is that attacking birds do! I was shocked to learn how widespread the threat is.

I found this harrowing account on the Christian Science Monitor: "I was ducking this way, then ducking that way, trying to get away," Mr. Cooper says, recalling a few frenzied seconds where beaks flashed like tiny daggers. "I had no idea what was going on." Horrific!

During a well-documented grackle attack on Houston residents in 2005, Sylvia Velasquez recounts her heroism, "I hit him with a bottle. The other birds came, and one attacked my blouse and on my back."

Clearly shaken by the sheer scale of the horror, constable Wilbert Jue recounted, "They were just going crazy. They were attacking everybody that walked by."

In July of 2008, a woman was enjoying a stroll along the shore at Burnham-on-Sea, in Somerset, U.K., when a seagull swooped and stabbed at her head with its beak. She was rushed to the hospital, where her injuries were treated, according to the Guardian. In their account of the vicious attack, Burnham-on-the-sea press officer Mark Newman commented, "She was very shaken up and taken to A&E. There was an awful lot of blood and she required a tetanus injection. Otherwise she is OK. We all think of Hitchcock's film The Birds with something like this and here it is actually happening."

In 2005, a woman sued Lowe's, after she was attacked by a bird while at one of their home improvement centers. Her case was later dismissed, but I'm sure her trauma lives on.

According to the University of Florida; "Bird attacks usually consist of swoops, dives and chases by common yard birds, such as mockingbirds, blackbirds and bluejays; attacks at the beach or near the nesting grounds of least terns and gulls; in playing fields by burrowing owls' or near forested areas by raptors. Other forms of attacks include vocal castigations from perching birds; "mobbing" or ganging-up on the victim, which crows may do; or intentional defecation or regurgitation on the victim, which may occur in areas of concentration, such as rookeries."

Intentional defecation?! Obviously this menace must be dealt with! I recommend always carrying an umbrella when walking outdoors, and possible arming yourself with a rolled up newspaper or magazine. It also might be a good idea to use mouthwash and change clothes after eating eggs, to eliminate the scent, which could enrage neighborhood birds. And of course, you should already have your first aid kit/medicines with you at all times. Be aware, friends. Watch the skies!

Pushed Too Far

2009-01-30T15:34:00.009-05:00

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- One day after President Barack Obama ripped Wall Street executives for their "shameful" decision to hand out $18 billion in bonuses in 2008, Congress may finally have had enough. I know I have.

An angry U.S. senator introduced legislation Friday to cap compensation for employees of any company that accepts federal bailout money. Under the terms of a bill introduced by Sen. Claire McCaskill, D-Missouri, no employee would be allowed to make more than the president of the United States. Why, how unreasonable!
Obama's current annual salary is $400,000. Who could live off THAT pittance?
"We have a bunch of idiots on Wall Street that are kicking sand in the face of the American taxpayer," an enraged McCaskill said on the floor of the Senate. "They don't get it. These people are idiots. You can't use taxpayer money to pay out $18 billion in bonuses." Sing it, sister Mac!
McCaskill's proposed compensation limit would cover salaries, bonuses and stock options.
On Thursday, Obama said the prospect that some of the $700 billion Wall Street bailout could end up paying for bonuses to managers of struggling financial institutions was "shameful." Exactly!

The president said it was the "height of irresponsibility" for executives to pay bonuses when their companies were asking for help from Washington. Amen. How do they have the gall to pretend this kind of b.s. is OK? It's infuriating.
"The American people understand we've got a big hole that we've got to dig ourselves out of, but they don't like the idea that people are digging a bigger hole even as they're being asked to fill it up," Obama added. Don't like it hell! We're OVER it, ya'll! Get yer greedy hands outta our wallets already!

McCaskill's proposal comes three days after struggling banking giant Citigroup -- which has taken about $45 billion from the government's Troubled Asset Relief Program -- reversed plans to accept delivery of a new $42 million corporate jet. The company changed its mind under Treasury Department prodding. Because these arrogant p****s need someone to tell them that buying a corporate frickin' JET isn't a responsible or appropriate use of taxpayer dollars. They couldn't guess that on their own? And these are the guys making six-figure salaries? This is one f***ed up, corrupt, value-less excuse for a society we've got here, isn't it?
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani on Friday defended corporate bonuses, saying that cutting them also means slashing jobs in the Big Apple. Oh, do tell us how it will hurt the economy if we don't fund million dollar CEO bonuses with government handouts, Rudy. I thought you Republicans were anti-welfare. Or is that only when poor people are the ones getting the money?

"If you somehow take that bonus out of the economy, it really will create unemployment," he said on CNN's "American Morning." "It means less spending in restaurants, less spending in department stores, so everything has an impact." Hey, you know what, Giuliani? Screw their fancy meals and retail purchases. Give us OUR money back and let US buy nice dinners and clothes. And while you're at it? Screw you, too, you pompous, pandering asshat. Less spending by CEOs as a danger to the economy, my big, fat ass. Jerkwads, all of you.

And McCaskill? I'm declaring my crush on you right now. You tell 'em, girl!

Love Is In The Air

2009-01-29T12:25:00.002-05:00

OK, I don't know what I could add to this that wouldn't be obscene, so here it is:

He sticks his foot in it at 1:55 into the clip. Wait for it, cause it's worth it.

What To Wear To Doomsday

2009-01-28T09:36:00.006-05:00

Well, I just found out that the end of the world has been rescheduled (from the previous date of 1/1/2000) for 12/21/2012. There's a handy countdown ticker here. I'm trying to decide what to wear. I suppose black is appropriate? Is a t-shirt commemorating the event too casual? Well, let's check the 2012 Survival Guide and see what it says to pack.

From December212012.com - In case of a catastrophic event on December 21, 2012 I would like to supply a preparation guide to help get through in case of an emergency. Thank God(s) someone thought of that! There has obviously been a stronger buzz going around about this date that has not only been predicted, but also showing signs of scientific possibilities in recent years. Normally, grammar and spelling mistakes detract from a site's credibility, but in this case, no points deducted. The date is only 4 years away and it's never a good idea to wait until it's too late to start thinking of a game plan. Talk about sound advice!

Instructions

Everybody heads up now, this is important!

Constantly pay attention to any natural disasters / changes to the world as we know it and take note of how much more effective these natural changes are becoming. Constantly? Can I take meal and bathroom breaks? What about sleep? Will I die if I'm not up to this task?!

Saving some extra cash is never a bad thing. Could it be a bit tough with today's economy? Absolutely. But if you create a mindset to save "X" amount on a weekly basis, you can easily accomplish that. Oh, good. "X" is exactly how much cash I have on hand. All set there.

Have a 1 - 2 month supply of water / non perishable food. This is especially essential in storm prone area's. Water is the same as non-perishable food? Storm prone area's....what? Their zoos? Their coffee shops? Please clarify! Lives are at stake here, man!

First Aid Kit / Medicines. This is something that everybody should have at all times.
Store a sleeping bag / blanket in the back of your vehicle. Even if you never have to use it, it is always better to have it and not use it than not have it and obviously not be able to use it. Obviously. Can I leave the first aid kit / medicines in the car, too? Or do I actually need to carry it everywhere I go?

Being prepared is not a difficult task at hand. Once you do it, you are set. Spread the word to friends and family and help them in becoming a prepared member in society. Points deducted for mangling grammar because I just can't take it anymore. You. Are. A flaming idiot.

Well, that didn't help me at all. I still don't know what to wear! Will I need a helmet? A tinfoil hat? I looked through the report from the future detailing the events, but no mention was made of appropriate garb. I had just about given up and ordered the t-shirt when I finally ran across an offhand remark about wearing lead aprons on the Survive 2012 site. So now, I'm hitting ebay for my lead apron (preferably black). I'll see you all in the Storm Prone Coffee Shop. Don't forget your First Aid Kit / Medicines!

Net Worth? Not So Much

2009-01-27T14:38:00.006-05:00

I wasn't pissed off enough today, so I decided it would be fun to see how much professional athletes make. Not your A-Rods or Shaqs, just your average pro players. The most concise table I found shows figures for 2006.

Basketball (NBA) -- $5,000,000
Baseball (MLB) -- $2,800,000
Football (NFL) -- $1,750,000
Hockey (NHL) -- $1,500,000
Men's Golf -- $973,495
Women's Tennis -- $345,000
Men's Tennis -- $260,000
Women's Golf -- $162,043

Sports Illustrated has an article on the top 50 highest paid athletes. Tiger Woods tops their list, pocketing $127,902,706 for last year, although $105,000,000 of it was endorsements. So his salary (winnings) was just $22,902,706. I could probably make do with that.

As I've mentioned before, I'm in tech support. More precisely, I do software support. My salary is about $35k, which according to Salary.com, is way below average for my area.* But even if I was making the top salary for my job, I'd only be bringing in $55k.

Don't you mock me, Allen Iverson, I don't have your legal bills.

But forget me, all I do is answer phones. How about some other, actually important professions?

EMT - $27k

Firefighter - $40k

Police Officer - $45k

Elementary School Teacher (20 years + experience) - $50k

Garbage Collector (New Jersey) - $50k

Neurosurgeon - $400k

President of the United States - $400k**

How ****ed up is that? What are our priorities here? Is this some bizzaro universe where basketball players make more than firefighters?! Why are we so complacent about this inequity? Does anyone even notice this glaring disparity

besides when the players strike for yet more money?

See, this is the kind of sh*t that pisses me off. Tiger Woods seems like a nice guy, but does he really contribute more than the President? Michael Vick is a criminal. Is he worth more (monetarily) than a cop? I don't think so.

I love sports, and regularly go to hockey and baseball games. Am I to blame for this? Are my $32 tickets the reason for these inflated salaries? Probably not. Most sports teams don't even make a profit. So how do the professional sports leagues justify multi-million dollar pay rates?

I really want to know.

*I've been in tech support awhile, and while I am in the lower half, I think their figures are a little high.

**Salary is $400,000 a year plus a $50,000 expense account, a $100,000 nontaxable travel account, and $19,000 for entertainment.

Rants and Raves

2009-01-25T11:27:00.004-05:00

Whatever happened to Dennis Miller? Remember him?
Dennis Miller would just light into these rapid-fire monologues full of obscure political & historical references that the rest of us couldn’t possibly keep up with. And you don’t want to admit that you have no idea what the fuck this guy is carrying on about, do you? But come on, just between you and me…he made you feel kind of stupid, right?

And then he goes and does that weird thing where he decided to be a football announcer, a, what do you call it, a sportscaster, right?

Yeah, so now we all know he knows more about sports than we do, too.

Great.

Thanks, Dennis.

And the thing is, I really wanted to like Dennis Miller. I really did. Because he called his routines rants. And I love a good rant! Don’t you?

See, I think the rant is an under appreciated form of communication.

It is.

You get a good rant on, and people will stop whatever they’re doing and pay attention.
That’s true. Try it yourself.

Next time you’re standing there in the Quik Trip, waiting to pay for your gas, or your cigarettes, or your fountain drink, and some asshole is in front of you making the counter guy run him like 1000 lottery tickets?

Just go off on a rant about how fucking lottery tickets do not constitute a viable retirement plan, dumbass, and could you please hurry the fuck up, because some of us have jobs we have to get to, so we can pay the taxes that probably fund your whole brilliant, “winning the lottery” plan!
I promise you will have the undivided attention of every single person in the store. If you get going good enough, people will even come in from outside to see what the hell’s going on. Ranting is effective.

I don’t like it that people put ranting together with raving. Raving is what lunatics do.

See, that’s why I would never do that drug ecstasy.

Cause they call their parties raves, which makes me think of a bunch of crazy fuckers stumbling around, babbling incoherently, all in their own bizarre little worlds.

Kind of like the Republican convention.

I’ve never been to one, but I bet that’s what they’re like, right?

Yeah. That’s not my idea of a cool party at all.

When I was a kid, we had pot parties, remember? Slouched on a sofa in some guy’s parent’s basement, watching Beavis & Butthead, eating Doritos, and laughing that pot laugh.

Hehehehehehehehehe….duuuude.

I mean, what’s wrong with that?

You know what’s a weird kind of party? A keg party.

Think about it.

It’s kind of like a religious ritual, right? I mean, everyone gathers around this one object, the keg, and it’s the center of everything that’s happening.

It’s like this benevolent deity that that sacrifices its lifeblood to the followers of the party.
It’s kind of like going to church!

You get it all: rejoicing, dancing, hollering, enlightenment, weeping, regret, remorse….redemption!

Sometimes, small groups will leave the keg party briefly to go get more people and bring them to the party. Missionaries!

A religion based on beer is something I could really get into. And you’d never have to miss a football game to go to church.

Because in a beer religion, football would be considered sacred, I think. So watching the game would be like the equivalent of watching those televangelists. Right? Only you wouldn’t have to send money, you’d just give at the liquor store.

Don’t forget to pick up some lottery tickets while you’re there.

Blue Dog Democrats

2009-01-23T12:15:00.014-05:00

From the AP: Gov. David Paterson has picked Democratic U.S. Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand to fill New York's vacant U.S. Senate seat, an aide to the governor said early Friday, a day after Caroline Kennedy abruptly withdrew from consideration. Aw, too bad. Looks like Caroline didn't have the ovaries for the family business. This is very disappointing. Still, given our recent experience, maybe political dynasties aren't such a great idea.

Paterson's appointment lasts until 2010, when a special election will be held to fill the final two years of Clinton's term.

Is it just me, or is the whole idea of Governors appointing Senators starting to look like a very bad one? Special elections, anyone? Anyone? Bueller?*

U.S. Rep. Carolyn McCarthy, who wasn't among the 10 to 20 people Paterson said applied for the Senate appointment, immediately criticized the expected pick. McCarthy, whose husband was killed by a gunman on the Long Island Railroad, said Gillibrand's support of more conservative issues such as gun ownership rights was out of step with most New York Democrats.

"I just think it's a very, very poor choice," McCarthy told News12 TV on Long Island on Friday. "It sends out a very very bad message." I gotta ask, why didn't YOU apply, Carolyn? You've gotta play to win. At least that's what the lottery commercials keep telling me. Seriously, wouldn't you have been in a better position to fight the NRA neanderthals in the Senate, than in the House?

But Gillibrand is a proven vote-getter in a largely rural eastern New York district that sprawls from the mid-Hudson Valley to north of Albany. She defeated a long-term Republican incumbent in 2006 and won re-election last year by a wide margin. Defeating a Republican in 2006? In New York? Is not a huge accomplishment. Of course, every seat counts, so good for her.

"On the minus side, she's an unproven statewide vote-getter, a conservative `Blue Dog' Democrat who could face a primary challenge in 2010 and face a tough general election," says Doug Muzzio, a political science professor at Baruch College. I'll get back to this, I promise.

The pick came after a week in which Kennedy surprisingly withdrew from consideration and Paterson revealed he was considering Cuomo, who had refused to publicly express his interest. In the end, Paterson chose the up-and-comer over more established names.
But Paterson has said the first task of a new U.S. senator should be bringing more aid in the federal stimulus package back to New York. It's uncertain that Gillibrand has the background or pull to do that. Uncertain? Try unlikely. Who's ever even heard of this woman? On the other hand....

She voted last year against the $700 billion Wall Street bailout bill. That's a BAD thing?! I don't personally know anyone who wanted to give the fat cat CEOs our money.

Gillibrand was an official in the Housing and Urban Development Department during the Clinton administration. She worked as a lawyer before challenging Republican John Sweeney in 2006 to represent New York's 20th District. Her upset win came after a police report showing that Sweeney's wife had called 911 in what appeared to be a domestic violence incident was leaked shortly before the election. Low blow. Guess she fights fire with fire.

In November, Gillibrand defeated wealthy General Electric heir Sandy Treadwell. The former state Republican chairman was seen as one of the Republican Party's best chances to capture a congressional seat in New York. That had to hurt. See also: ha ha.

OK, about the "Blue Dog" reference:

From Wikipedia: Blue Dog Democrats are a group of 47 moderate and conservative Democratic Party members of the United States House of Representatives. The Blue Dogs promote, among other things, fiscal conservatism and accountability. Many members come from conservative districts, where liberal Democrats comprise a decided minority of the general population.[citation needed]

In 2006, Blue Dog candidates such as Heath Shuler and Brad Ellsworth were elected in conservative-leaning districts, ending years of Republican dominance in these districts. In 2008, the Blue Dogs' prominence as a voting block was highlighted by their support for the Republican-backed FISA Amendments Act of 2008 that provided immunity to large telecom companies who had been accused of assisting the government in illegally spying on electronic communications involving U.S. persons.

"Blue Dog Democrat" is playfully derived from the original term Yellow Dog Democrat. It was former Texas Democratic Rep. Pete Geren who said that the members had been "choked blue" by those "extreme" Democrats, from the left. Thus, he is credited for coining the term Blue Dog Democrat.
The term is also a reference to the "Blue Dog" paintings of Cajun artist George Rodrigue of Lafayette, Louisiana. The original members of the coalition would regularly meet in the offices of Louisiana representatives Billy Tauzin and Jimmy Hayes, both of whom had Rodrigue's paintings on their walls (and both of whom later switched to the Republican Party).

Soooo....the good news is they are Dems. The bad news is, they jump the aisle on a whim, apparently. I have no problem with moderates, despite my own far left lean. And some of their positions, even on financials, I agree with for the most part. But wiretapping? Jumping parties after being elected? Not down with that, Zell. In the balance? Don't trust these guys as far as I can throw them. I prefer to know where my representatives stand on all the issues.

*Edited because evidently it isn't just me.

Trial By Fire

2009-01-22T12:50:00.007-05:00

High school is closer to the core of the American experience than anything else I can think of. - Kurt Vonnegut

Lately, thanks to MySpace's plain sister, Facebook, I've become re-acquainted with some of the people I went to high school with.

Some people loved their high school days. I did not. School itself, I kind of liked. I liked learning, I still do. I test well, so I even enjoyed that aspect of my education. High school should have been a blast for me. Except for....the kids I went to school with.

To be fair, I did have friends, and I had problems with very few people on an individual level. But there's a pack mentality that rules adolescence, and it will not tolerate much individuality.

This is not unique to kids, of course, but high school is such a small world, and everything is so emotionally charged there. It's a hormone-fueled, angst-ridden microcosm of society. It's the test track for the real world.

The experiences of high school inform a person's character throughout their life, even if their only lasting effect is a desire to get as far away from the battleground of lockers and textbooks as humanly possible, literally and/or figuratively. My own adolescent encounters weren't particularly enjoyable, but the life lessons I learned in that place and time have stayed with me.

Lessons like love is painful, acceptance requires compliance, and individuality requires sacrifice.

It's easier to quantify these lessons from the safe distance of long years and with the buffer of the self-actualizing occurrences of my 20's and 30's between my now-self and my then-self. I see the happy exceptions to those rules, and know my own worth enough to value the pain and sacrifice as worthy acquisitions in their own right.

The most painful experience of my high school years was also the most profoundly empowering event of my entire life.

I had a girlfriend in high school, Bridgette. My infatuation with her was as complete and unguarded as only a first love can be. Our relationship was of course, mostly sexual. (I only mention that because it is essential to the story. I'll try to keep it PG-13, I promise)

Well, we tried to keep our liaisons secret. No one had to tell us we wouldn't be accepted as a couple. And of course, we got caught in a compromising position. By her mother.

Her mother was not exactly overjoyed. She kicked me out of her house and forbade her daughter to see me again. Heh. Wanna guess what kind of effect that had?

Anyway, we got better at sneaking around. Until, one time at band camp...someone wasn't asleep when she should have been, and being a teenager, she of course, told everyone. You can probably imagine how horrible the next couple of days were for us.

The Amish couldn't have done a better job of shunning us. We were the punchline to every joke, the object of every smirk. The whispering, giggling and outright derision was non-stop. It was the teenager's Inferno. So, not fun.

We took it until I snapped. I turned on our friends like a rabid dog. I was so furious at their failure to say anything, do anything at all to help us, even to indicate in the slightest way that they were aware of our plight. I'd never, ever gone off like that before. I think they were a little shocked by my naked rage. (Seems kind of ironic now, doesn't it?)

But, it worked. Faced with their cowardice, they rallied. And things got better. At least they did for me. I guess it wasn't the same for Bridgette.

I've always thought it was the experience that made me and broke her. Our relationship was never the same. She'd publicly date guys, and show up at my bedroom window late at night. It was a long, painful end for us. She cheated and lied and caused me no end of pain. Until finally, one of her unwitting beards shoved a gun in my face. I woke up the next morning and realized I was finally over her.

But now that I sit here telling this story, for the first time it occurs to me that I may have hurt her just as much. When I attacked our friends that night, I wasn't thinking of her at all. I was so angry all I could do was lash out. I don't even know where she was when it happened. I wasn't rational enough to bring her with me to present a united front. When I turned on them, I turned my back on her. So, wherever you are Bridgette, I apologize for that. For the rest of you, I digress.

The point of the story is that I found my personal power during what seemed, at the time, to be a terrible adversity. And I think that's a big part of how I came to be the person that I am.

This post is dedicated to my little sister Paige, because she's there now.

Cats Are Better Than People

2009-01-22T10:09:00.019-05:00

I don't like people. I do like cats. Here's why:

Cats never drive like assholes. They don't even like cars, so they are never in my way. You? Probably are.

People don't have fur. So you'd hope they'd have some fashion sense. They don't.

If people don't like you, they talk about you behind your back. If cats don't like you, they claw your eyes out. I respect violence far more than underhandedness.

Cats are clean. People....are not:

Cat toys <$3. LG - 42" 720p Flat-Panel LCD HDTV = $899.99 at Best Buy.

Cats never call tech support.

Cats are dignified. People? Not so much.

If cats have a religion, they don't talk about it or try to convert me.

People either fear eating because they have a poor body image, or use food to comfort them because they have low self-esteem. Cats eat when they are hungry and never ask if their butts are too big.

I've never seen a cat mall.

Cats don't go through body-odor reeking, hormone-addled, self-centered, whining adolescence.

Even the very worst cats in the world never did anything as horrific as Be Kind, Rewind.

People talk, cats purr.

Cats screw, and are done with it. No Dear Abby, no couples counseling, no relationship-py angst.

If there were no cats, there'd be no Catwoman.

Meow!

10 Rules For Calling Tech Support

2009-01-22T08:03:00.016-05:00

Maybe I'm so pissed off because I work in tech support. I spend all day on the phone with people who think a port is where ships come in, trying to walk them through fixing their software, which they usually screwed up in the first place. Here's what you need to know when calling tech support:

1. Have your ducks in a row. You probably know what they are going to ask you before they even get to your problem. Name, account number and/or phone number, model or version number of the product. Get all the relevant information before you call.

2. Know what's going on. Be prepared to answer questions about what you were doing when the problem occurred and what has changed since it was working properly. If you don't know, say so. If you did something wrong, admit it. Confession's good for the soul. It also saves you time and frustration.

3. Make Time. Call in when you have time to thoroughly troubleshoot. Have a coworker cover the phones for you, if needed. Constantly putting the tech on hold isn't just annoying, it breaks the flow, and can make the process much longer.

4. Suffer through the script. Yes, they really have to go through all that, their job performance evaluation is partially determined by adherence to the script, if there is one.

5. Don't freak out. Whatever it is that's gone wonky on you, if it isn't your defibrillator, it's probably not time to panic.

6. Count to ten before you dial. Getting your knickers in a twist is not going to help get your problem fixed.

7. Don't rant about the product or service. Chances are, you're not talking to anyone can affect policy or specifications. The person on the line might agree with you, which they can't say, because the "call may be monitored for training and quality assurance". Or, they might actually like the company and the product they support, in which case, good job, Dweezil, way to antagonize the person you've turned to for help. If, after your problem has been addressed, you really have a gripe you want to air, try phrasing it as a suggestion. Have a little tact. Some people have ugly babies, but they still love them.

8. Know when to bump it up a level. If the rep doesn't know what he/she is doing, ask for a supervisor. You'll know when this is necessary. Do not immediately ask for a supervisor, it's insulting, and usually not warranted. The flip side of this rule is, if you aren't familiar with the product, have the person in your home or office who knows it best be the one to call, if possible.

9. Cut the "ugly American" act, Minute Man. If you can't understand the representative, don't ask to speak to an American, or "someone who speaks English", unless you want to piss off that person and whoever else gets on the phone next. It's okay to calmly advise them that you are having trouble understanding them. Just keeping telling them you're sorry, but you don't understand what they just said. If they don't take the hint, see rule 8.

10. Show your appreciation. If your tech does a truly outstanding job, goes above and beyond, and you feel you've gotten excellent service? Ask to speak to their supervisor and tell them how great their employee is. If you were really impressed, write a letter and send it to the company. Address it to the Support or Customer Service Manager. You don't need their manager's name, just the representatives'. Some companies give bonuses or perks for these 'kudos'. Even if they don't, being recognized is always nice, and it looks good to the brass.

Let me bottom-line it for you. Get your s**t together and show some respect. As annoying as you find telephone support, I promise you have the potential to be far more annoying to the person on the other end of the phone. And we have to be nice to you. You're the reason I'm medicated. So don't be an ass to someone who's helping you.

The World Responds

2009-01-21T12:24:00.008-05:00

Berliners enjoy the inauguration

From the blog of Renee Earle, Minister Counselor for Public Affairs at the U.S. Mission to the European Union (official blog of the Department of State):

"TV channels across Europe carried the ceremonies, and this morning it was hard to find a newspaper without a front cover carrying the image of the U.S. inauguration. Some papers ran 20 pages of coverage, and “open letters” from Foreign Ministers and school children detailed recommendations and aspirations for a world that can be renewed. From small towns to the European Union’s principal institutions, all shared in the significance of the moment. Braine- le-Comte, a small town south of Brussels, gathered its citizens around a large-screen showing of the inauguration in its town square while Jose Manuel Barroso, the President of the European Commission, issued a public statement: 'I personally believe that the election of President Obama was a defining, turning point for America. It may now also be an important turning point for the rest of the world.'

Kenyans point shoes as Bush appears on screen

Both the U.S. Mission to the EU and our 'bilat,' the U.S. Embassy in Belgium, hosted standing-room-only receptions to view the inauguration. Smilingly enthusiastic, our European guests, like the editorial comment across Europe and Belgian Defense Minister, Pieter De Crem, in his speech at the Embassy event, hailed a new era, a renewal of America and its place in the world. European officials, media, NGO leaders and other friends tried also to focus some attention on the challenges ahead and the great, perhaps unrealistic, expectations for one president, who would have to be 'a cross between Gandhi and Superman,' but last night the emphasis was on jubilation and hope. This morning, an email from a European think tank contact summed up the feelings, 'You may not believe it yet, but America is back.'"

What can I add? Maybe just this:

More photos at CNN.com

High School Was Not Kind To Me

2009-01-21T08:33:00.001-05:00

Someone posted this picture of my homeroom class (North Cobb High School, 1986) on Facebook. I'm the one in the glasses.

Happy Days Are Here Again!

2009-01-20T08:52:00.009-05:00

Last post, I was in the unpleasant position of agreeing with something Tom Delay said. I'm happy to report that is no longer the case, thanks to this site a co-worker pointed out to me. Turns out we taxpayers aren't footing the bill for the inauguration after all, so enjoy the festivities guilt-free!

Read the full text of President Barack Obama's Inaugural Address here.

OK, I admit it, I was moved. He starts off thanking Bush for his service (whatever), and his "generosity and cooperation" during the transition. Which you know what? He has been pretty well-behaved, for whatever reason, so one-time only props to George.

He then talks about how "We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers (sic), and true to our founding documents."

I was especially happy with that choice of words, as our Constitution has been on life support for so long now.

He talks about the challenges and crisis the country faces and promises, "know this, America — they will be met."

This is followed by the assurance that the "petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics" are over. I know he can't really speak for everyone, but I hope he's right. I don't really like living in a country where everyone is as bitter and angry as I am. It steals my thunder.

This next is maybe my favorite part of the whole speech:

"We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness. "

Just, wow...dude can flat give a speech!

Let's see....Great Nation, journey, path, props to the labor force, immigrants, and soldiers....more about the journey, we still rock...oh, this is good:

"But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America. " Very nice! Uplifting, and a backhand at the last administration. Bonus!

Now he plugs his economic stimulus plan....here's a neat little slap at the deregulation fiasco:

"Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good. "

Next comes a nice undercut to the Patriot Act:

"As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals....we will not give them up for expedience's (sic) sake."

While they're on the ropes, he gives 'em one of these: "know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more. "

The punishment continues in fine form: "Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet."

Now there's some tough talk to terrorists, shout out to all major religions, and whoa! even heathens like me! He mentions civil war and segregation...Muslims, let's be friends...gonna help the poor...props to the Armed Forces...everybody has to work together...Here's another favorite passage:

"Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task."

Just, perfect. I love that bit. It goes on;

"This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath."

Oh, hell yes. Beautiful, man. And for the big finale:

"So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people: 'Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive ... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].'
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations." Let's roll.

Republicans Not Having A Ball

2009-01-18T13:55:00.008-05:00

From Politico: With Barack Obama's approval ratings in the 70s and his visage plastered on every shop window and Metro card in Washington, it's hard to remember that 58 million Americans voted for the other guy. If you have trouble remembering that, just turn on Fox News for about 2 minutes.

Even President Bush — who presumably counts himself among that group — said last week that Obama's inauguration is "a moment of hope and pride."

That's not exactly how Michelle Malkin describes it."Jan. 20 has turned into a schlock inauguration, (where) every last moocher has come to cash in on Obama," says the conservative blogger and pundit. "There are some of us who want to bang our heads against the wall." There are some of us who would like to help you do that.

While most Republicans now in office are saying all the right things about Tuesday's proceedings — roll tape on "peaceful transfer of power" and "historic moment for the country" sound bites — some conservatives can't quite get themselves in the "We Are One" mood.

Not even for a day. I can understand that feeling. I've had it for eight very long years.

On his radio show last week, Rush Limbaugh railed against "people on our side of the aisle who have caved and who say, 'Well, I hope he succeeds. We have to give him a chance.'"

"Why?" Limbaugh demanded. "They didn't give Bush a chance in 2000. Before he was inaugurated, the search-and-destroy mission had begun. I'm not talking about search-and-destroy, but I've been listening to Barack Obama for a year and a half. I know what his politics are. I know what his plans are, as he has stated them. I don't want them to succeed." Well, if you makes ya feel any better, it may very well take more than eight years to shovel out of the steaming pile Bush is leaving the country in, big boy.

In the wake of the disputed 2000 election, only 47 percent of the public predicted that Bush would be an "above average" or "outstanding" president. In a new Associated Press-GfK poll, 65 percent of the public attaches those words to Obama. On the other hand, the public actually elected Obama.

Asked about Obama's inauguration last week, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay hammered on the cost.

If Obama were "serious" about changing Washington, DeLay said, "He would announce to the world: 'We are in crisis, we are at war, people are losing jobs; we are not going to have this party. Instead, I'm going to get sworn in at the White House. I'm going to have a nice little chicken dinner, and we'll save the $125 million.'" Wow, I agree with Tom Delay? I knew that cheese I just ate smelled funny. Seriously, it is an obscene waste of badly needed public funds, but inaugurations always are.

DeLay said he understands why Republicans in Congress aren't complaining about this publicly: "Those in elected office are looking at Obama's popularity numbers and don't want to be perceived as anti-American by being anti-Obama." Sucks when your own tactics work so well that they turn on ya, doesn't it, Kenny?

He didn't name names, but the normally outspoken Rep. Michele Bachmann might fit the bill. Just before the election, the Minnesota Republican told Chris Matthews that she thought Obama might have "anti-American views." Last week, she told The Hill: "I look forward to working with him and I would expect to be as friendly as I would be to [any president]." A double-talking politician? Stop the presses!

Or, as Bob Anderson put it: "Pffffffffffffffffft."Anderson, a retired chief master sergeant in the U.S. Air Force Reserves, is the founder of the conservative grass-roots organization "What are we fighting for?"Asked to elaborate on his onomatopoeia, Anderson said that "Obama-mania" is leading the country into bad times."The only positive thing I can see is hopefully it will be bad enough quick enough that the people will stop drinking the Kool-Aid and see what we're about to lose," he said. "I think we have a very short launch window." This is how they begin shifting the blame for the failure of Republican economic policy to Obama and the Dems. Mark my words.

RedState's Erick Erickson is blasting off.... "The first time Obama uses the bathroom, Newsweek will do a five-page spread." And it will be more entertaining and informative than anything you've ever had to say.

Tom Hoefling, the political director for Alan Keyes' group America's Revival, has had it with all the talk about the "historic" nature of Obama's inauguration.

"What's historic about it?" he asked. "So it's historical because of his skin tone? Isn't that a racist idea in the first place? ... I could care less what color his skin tone is. What matters is his philosophy -- his political philosophy and his ideology." I love how much it bugs guys like this whenever a minority group celebrates a step towards real equality.

Anderson suggested that squeamishness about race is silencing the dissent."We're so focused with political correctness people are uncomfortable in saying your baby is ugly and stuff is broken," he said. "While we're sitting around the campfire and trying to sing Kumbaya, our country is slipping away from us." It's our country now! No givsies -backsies!

Anderson won't be watching the inauguration. DeLay will be out in California to rally conservatives. And Richard Viguerie, the king of right-wing direct mail, said Tuesday will be "just another day at the office.""Yeah, sure, we can be happy that we've taken another step in the racial progress, but I just am not about race, quite frankly," Viguerie said.
No, Rich, you're not. You're about conservative spin via direct mail.

He doesn't necessarily begrudge those who will celebrate this week, so long as they keep it short. "You can take a sip of Kool-Aid. It's OK to smell it, stick your finger in it. But on Jan. 21, let's get back to business." Gosh, thanks, but keep your fingers out of our kool-aid, we don't dip into yours.

Defending Adolf

2009-01-18T11:46:00.006-05:00

Little Adolf Hitler has left the bunker!

From Anderson Cooper's 360 blog: A three-year-old boy in New Jersey named Adolf Hitler has been taken away from his parents.So have his younger siblings JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. How could anyone break up such an obviously loving family?

But in an interview with a local newspaper, the father of the children says he’s not a racist. “A name doesn’t make a person,” said Heath Campbell. “My son is going to learn to love. None of my kids are going to have a bone of hate in their body,” he added. Heath is a dull name. Why don't you change it to FAIL!

When we contacted the New Jersey Department of Children and Services it would not comment on the case. However, it told us that children are only removed from their homes if they are in imminent danger and only after an allegation of abuse or neglect is made. It stressed a children (sic) is never removed because of its name. Although they may be rethinking that policy now.

Sgt. John Harris of the Holland Township Police Department told FOXNews.com, "I’ve dealt with the family for years and as far as the children are concerned, I have never had any reports of any abuse with the children," Harris said. "As far as I know, he’s always been very good with the children." Well, I've never dealt with them, and I can think of several instances where he has been less than good with them.

The Fox story also quotes Forensic psychologist N.G. Berrill on whether naming a boy Hitler could be considered child abuse.
"Part of it is the infantile nature of the parents’ behavior," Berrill said. "You can name your dog something weird, but they think they’re making some kind of bold statement with the children, not appreciating that the children will have separate lives and will be looked at in a negative light until they’re able to change their name. It is abuse." We're racist morons is a pretty bold statement, now that you mention it.

They also note that "last year, a New Zealand court removed a 9-year-old girl from her parents in order to change her birth name: Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. In that country, officials do not deem a name abusive unless it causes serious bullying." No fair! Bullies need victims!

BBC News ran a piece on that particular example of parental incompetence in July of last year. Judge Rob Murfitt, in his decision, wrote, "The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name....It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily." Just a note, the comments on the BBC piece are pretty funny.

Looking Back

2009-01-17T14:56:00.003-05:00

Imported from my old MySpace blog:

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I'm often asked what it is that makes me so much cooler than the rest of you. I've finally bothered to give it a little thought, and I've compiled a short list of the things that comprise my coolness. Feel free to emulate them, although it probably won't do any good, as you lack the cool gene.
I smoke cigarettes. All the cool kids are doing it.
I light my cigarettes with a Zippo. And I don't ever claim that I "love the way it tastes".
I am witty and aloof. Meaning that after I insult you, I really just want you to go away.
I like cats. Dogs are fine, but they smell bad and they jump on people.
I'm lazy.
I'm selfish. I always treat myself better than I treat anyone else. And I feel no guilt whatsoever for doing so.
I'm smart. Most people are idiots. You are probably an idiot, too, but you're too dumb to know it. I'm willing to tell you, feel free to ask.
I'm bitchy. Because ya'll piss me off alot, with your stupidness.
I watch TV alot. Cause those people are more interesting than you real folks.
I know that baseball is superior in every way to football.I also know that NASCAR is not a sport. Neither is golf, running, horse racing, or wrestling.
I hate kids. I don't like anyone greedier or more self-involved than me. And they have dirty little hands they put all over everything. Btw, your kids? Not cute. Irritating. Make them go away, and don't make any more. Your genes do not merit reproducing.
I'm mean. See above.I will hit anyone who makes me mad enough.
I wear leather, and I eat meat, because I am proud to be at the top of the food chain.
I don't drink or do drugs, because those things are part of why other people are so stupid. I encourage others to indulge, however, because it only makes me even more superior.
I'm already tired of telling you how to be a better person, so I'm going to go watch TV.

I copied and pasted this over without editing, because somehow that seemed like cheating. I think I hadn't quite found my writing "voice" yet (and I'm not sure I really have now). Still, most of it I still agree with.

Weird Blogs List

2009-01-17T09:52:00.007-05:00

Atlanta Furs - OK, I had no idea these freaks had such a large population in my hometown. (Shudder)

Brian's Home Blog - Just your standard, what-I-did-today blog. Written by a kitten. Hasn't been updated recently, just sits there, being weird.

I Y Your T-Shirt - Not really a blog, more like an ad. I think. Just uh....weird.

My Gastric Bypass - One Woman's Story - Oooookaaaaay.

The Garbage Man - Adventures of a Sanitation Engineer!

The Tooth Booth Dental Blog - All teeth, all the time.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A BAMA GIRL - Just in case the caps lock doesn't say it all, I linked directly to my favorite post, a list of her favorite things including: orange juice (which she will apparently drink until she is sick), sweatshirts (they are the Bomb!), pirates (and cowboys?), and of course, "FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!! (AHHH MY HEART JUST SWEALLLLLSSES UP)". Sorry guys, she's married!

Open Call - If you find any really weird and/or stupid blogs, please email a link to rituallypissed@gmail.com

Don't let the door hit ya....

2009-01-16T10:35:00.021-05:00

Last night, George Bush reflected a bit on the Age of Duh:

Fellow citizens: For eight years, it has been my honor to serve as your president. The first decade of this new century has been a period of consequence – a time set apart. Well, yes it has, Georgie. I like to call it The Age Of Duh. But, uh, you do know that 8 years is not a decade, right?

Tonight, with a thankful heart, I have asked for a final opportunity to share some thoughts on the journey that we have traveled together and the future of our Nation.

Five days from now, the world will witness the vitality of American democracy. In a tradition dating back to our founding, the presidency will pass to a successor chosen by you, the American people. Not the Supreme Court? Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a man whose story reflects the enduring promise of our land. This is a moment of hope and pride for our whole Nation. And I join all Americans in offering best wishes to President-elect Obama, his wife Michelle, and their two beautiful girls. Good luck, sorry about the mess!

Tonight I am filled with gratitude – to Vice President Cheney The Puppetmaster! and members of the Administration; to Laura, who brought joy to this house and love to my life; to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna; to my parents, whose examples have provided strength for a lifetime. And above all, I thank the American people for the trust you have given me. Trust?

I thank you for....the prayers that have lifted my spirits. And I thank you for the countless acts of courage, generosity, and grace that I have witnessed these past eight years.

This evening, my thoughts return to the first night I addressed you from this house – September 11, 2001. You had a real chance there, George. You could have been a hero, the man who pulled this country together, and helped heal this country. Instead, you USED this horrible tragedy to further your own political agenda. How do you sleep at night? That morning, terrorists took nearly 3,000 lives in the worst attack on America since Pearl Harbor. I remember standing in the rubble of the World Trade Center three days later, surrounded by rescuers who had been working around the clock.

I remember talking to brave souls who charged through smoke-filled corridors at the Pentagon and to husbands and wives whose loved ones became heroes aboard Flight 93. I remember Arlene Howard, who gave me her fallen son’s police shield as a reminder of all that was lost. And I still carry his badge. You aren't even fit to touch it.

As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before Nine-Eleven. But I never did. Every morning, I received a briefing on the threats to our Nation. And I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe. Like alienating our allies and starting a war? Or by carving out vast chunks of our civil liberties in the name of fear?

Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security has been created. The military, the intelligence community, and the FBI have been transformed. Our Nation is equipped with new tools to monitor the terrorists’ movements, freeze their finances, and break up their plots. And if those tools can be used against innocent citizens as well, that's just gravy. And with strong allies at our side, we have taken the fight to the terrorists and those who support them. Um, yeah, about that...your friends said to tell you they were real sorry, but they had to go home.

Afghanistan has gone from a nation where the Taliban harbored al Qaeda and stoned women in the streets to a young democracy that is fighting terror and encouraging girls to go to school. "We have no strategic plan. We never had one," a senior U.S. military commander said of the (war in Afghanistan during the) Bush years. - The Washington Post

Iraq has gone from a brutal dictatorship and a sworn enemy of America to an Arab democracy at the heart of the Middle East and a friend of the United States.

There is legitimate debate about many of these decisions. But there can be little debate about the results. So we agree that everything you've done has been a disaster then.

America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil. You can't seriously be taking credit for this.

This is a tribute to those who toil night and day and night to keep us safe – law enforcement officers, intelligence analysts, homeland security and diplomatic personnel, and the men and women of the United States Armed Forces. Yeah, those folks probably don't spend months out of every year on vacation.

Our Nation is blessed to have citizens who volunteer to defend us in this time of danger. I have cherished meeting these selfless patriots and their families. America owes you a debt of gratitude. And to all our men and women in uniform listening tonight: There has been no higher honor than serving as your Commander in Chief. I like playing Army man.

The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems. Under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideology, condemns women to subservience, and marks unbelievers for murder. The other system is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God and that liberty and justice light the path to peace. To clarify, we're the second one?

This is the belief that gave birth to our Nation. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to protect our citizens. When people live in freedom, they do not willingly choose leaders who pursue campaigns of terror. They just have to suffer with them after Florida drops the ball...

When people have hope in the future, they will not cede their lives to violence and extremism. Cue the Patriot Act.

So around the world, America is promoting human liberty, human rights, and human dignity. Everywhere but here?

We are standing with dissidents and young democracies, providing AIDS medicine to bring dying patients back to life, and sparing mothers and babies from malaria. But no health care for the poor in our own country.

And this great republic born alone in liberty is leading the world toward a new age when freedom belongs to all nations. Freedom to be Christian Democracies, that is.

For eight years, we have also strived to expand opportunity and hope here at home.

Across our country, students are rising to meet higher standards in public schools. By spending more class time studying for more standardized tests, and less actually learning. A new Medicare prescription drug benefit is bringing peace of mind to seniors and the disabled. Nothing brings peace of mind like more confusing forms! Every taxpayer pays lower income taxes. Especially our struggling billionaire class.

The addicted and suffering are finding new hope through faith-based programs. Vulnerable human life is better protected. Funding for our veterans has nearly doubled. Does this mean they fixed the toilets at Walter Reed? America’s air, water, and lands are measurably cleaner. At least, that's what the industrial lobbyists tell me, and they wouldn't lie. And the Federal bench includes wise new members like Justice Sam Alito and Chief Justice John Roberts. Because one opinion is better than 9 opinions.

When challenges to our prosperity emerged, we rose to meet them. Say it with me - D_E_R_E_G_U_L_A_T_I_O_N! The fox can guard the hen house! Facing the prospect of a financial collapse, we took decisive measures to safeguard our economy. We gave more money to to the Wall Street guys who got us into this mess! These are very tough times for hardworking families, but the toll would be far worse if we had not acted. All Americans are in this together. Like we were all in it together after Hurricane Katrina? And together, with determination and hard work, we will restore our economy to the path of growth. We will show the world once again the resilience of America’s free enterprise system. Maybe what we need is a new path. How's the idea "Pay as you go" grab ya?

Like all who have held this office before me, I have experienced setbacks. There are things I would do differently if given the chance. Mastering basic English, being nice to foreigners, remembering reporter's names....Yet I have always acted with the best interests of our country in mind. As they were made clear to me during my weekly briefing/puppet shows with Dick Cheney. I have followed my conscience and done what I thought was right. You may not agree with some tough decisions I have made. But I hope you can agree that I was willing to make the tough decisions. And you never let facts or scruples stand in your way.

The decades ahead will bring more hard choices for our country, and there are some guiding principles that should shape our course. Oh, please, do share your sage advice with us.

While our Nation is safer than it was seven years ago, the gravest threat to our people remains another terrorist attack. Maybe so, now that you're leaving...that does bump them up the list by one. Our enemies are patient and determined to strike again. America did nothing to seek or deserve this conflict. But we have been given solemn responsibilities, and we must meet them. We must resist complacency. For once, I agree. We got complacent during the abundance of the Clinton administration and let you and your cronies slither into power. Can't make that mistake again. We must keep our resolve. Agreed! And we must never let down our guard. Thanks for the reminder!

At the same time, we must continue to engage the world with confidence and clear purpose. Did you mean Contempt and Philistinism? In the face of threats from abroad, it can be tempting to seek comfort by turning inward. But we must reject isolationism and its companion, protectionism. Tell that to the immigrants being jailed and deported. Retreating behind our borders would only invite danger. In the 21st century, security and prosperity at home depend on the expansion of liberty abroad. I hear empire-building. If America does not lead the cause of freedom, that cause will not be led. Hear that, "strong allies"?

As we address these challenges – and others we cannot foresee tonight – America must maintain our moral clarity. No homos! I have often spoken to you about good and evil. I love that movie! John Cusack is a genius! This has made some uncomfortable. Right, I forgot there were homos in that movie. But good and evil are present in this world, and between the two there can be no compromise. Murdering the innocent to advance an ideology is wrong every time, everywhere.

Freeing people from oppression and despair is eternally right. Oppressed and despairing, that perfectly describes my feelings after the 2004 election. This Nation must continue to speak out for justice and truth. We must always be willing to act in their defense and to advance the cause of peace. Are we fighting for peace again?

President Thomas Jefferson once wrote, “I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.” He also said, "A Democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine." As I leave the house he occupied two centuries ago, I share that optimism. America is a young country, full of vitality, constantly growing and renewing itself. And even in the toughest times, we lift our eyes to the broad horizon ahead.

More Jeffersonian goodness - "I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. "

I have confidence in the promise of America because I know the character of our people. This is a Nation that inspires immigrants to risk everything for the dream of freedom. This is a Nation where citizens show calm in times of danger and compassion in the face of suffering. We see examples of America’s character all around us. And Laura and I have invited some of them to join us in the White House this evening.

Here occurs the funniest bit of the whole piece. He has about 5 black people in the room, and he has them all in one row. I'm serious. Look close, in front of him.

(omitted text. here, he talks about his new black friends)

In citizens like these, we see the best of our country – resilient and hopeful, caring and strong. These virtues give me an unshakable faith in America. We have faced danger and trial, and there is more ahead. But with the courage of our people and confidence in our ideals, this great Nation will never tire … never falter … and never fail.

It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your President. There have been good days and tough days. But every day I have been inspired by the greatness of our country and uplifted by the goodness of our people. I have been blessed to represent this Nation we love. And I will always be honored to carry a title that means more to me than any other: citizen of the United States of America.

And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time: Good night. May God bless this house and our next President. And may God bless you and our wonderful country. Thank you."

Those are very stirring words....so are these: "That public virtue which among the ancients was denominated patriotism, is derived from a strong sense of our own interest in the preservation and prosperity of the free government of which we are members. Such a sentiment, which had rendered the legions of the republic almost invincible, could make but a very feeble impression on the mercenary servants of a despotic prince; and it became necessary to supply that defect by other motives, of a different, but not less forcible nature; honour and religion." - Edward Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

Asking Obama

2009-01-15T13:18:00.014-05:00

I'm getting a bad feeling about this guy. Not a horrified, profoundly disappointed in the whole country feeling, like after the last election, but a sneaking suspicion that all is not as it seems.

I'm over the primaries, I really am. My horse didn't win that race, that's ok. I threw my support behind our man like a good Democrat. I liked his message, and I admired his style. And I still whole-heartedly believe he was a better candidate than old man McCain.

But we crazy liberals do not always agree with our leaders. Not for us the lock-step, sheep-think, apologist, blind faith in demagogues I've watched the opposition substitute for individual thought. We do the unthinkable - we ask questions.

Questions for President (elect) Obama:

Why are you threatening Congress? Are you planning on bowing up every time they act like, oh, I don't know....elected representatives? Instead of....um...sycophants?

Why did you choose a homophobe to do your invocation?

Didn't you see all those after-school specials about running with the wrong crowd? Rev. Wright doesn't seem to be real strong on "Christian" ideals like brotherhood, understanding, or forgiveness. This is your pastor? Just....embarrassing, dude.
Tony Rezko...is not the guy you want helping you out on real estate deals.
I'm not gonna throw Ayers or Farrakhan at you, because I don't believe those guys are really pals of yours.

Are you gonna get all churchy on us?

What's with the dicey cabinet picks? Leon Penetta as Director of the CIA? The guy has a pretty impressive resume....except for a total lack of spy experience. Feinstein ain't buying that, and she's the head of the Senate Intelligence Committee.
Tom Vilsack as Secretary of Agriculture? Anti-sustainable ag, pretty much in bed with agribusiness. (Yeah, I know, Team of Rivals....)
Ken Salazar as Interior Secretary? OK, he may be qualified, but he's wearing a frickin' cowboy hat. All the time.
Attorney General - Eric Holder? Does he have the stones to call the former administration's crimes to light?
Timothy Geithner as Treasury Secretary. Really? This seems like an awfully important position right now for a guy who screwed up his own tax return.
Commerce Secretary Bill Richardson.....nevermind.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton?! All is forgiven.

Quit Askin' Already!

2009-01-14T17:58:00.009-05:00

What's this? A straight answer on gay rights?

From CNN: In an overlooked YouTube video posted on Friday, a spokesman for Barack Obama said the president-elect is committed to ending the policy that bars openly gay men and women from serving in the U.S. armed forces.

In a response to a question on the Web site Change.gov asking whether Obama would get rid of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs said: "You don't hear politicians give a one-word answer much. But it's 'Yes.'"

Gibbs on Wednesday expanded on his answer, saying, "There are many challenges facing our nation now and the president-elect is focused first and foremost on jump-starting this economy.

"So not everything will get done in the beginning but he's committed to following through" with ending the policy against being openly gay in the military. We've heard that before.

The policy bans military recruiters or authorities from asking someone about his or her sexual preference, but also prohibits a service member from revealing if he or she is gay. Shhhhhhhhhhh! It's a seeeeeecret!

During the presidential campaign, Obama said he would work to end the policy, but because it is dictated by federal law, he can not ended (sic) it unilaterally. Haven't you learned anything from George Bush? Of course you can!

Congress must pass legislation overturning the policy, which was put into place at the beginning of the Clinton administration. Former President Bill Clinton tried to overturn the "don't ask, don't tell" policy when he took office in 1993, but he was strenuously opposed by the military leadership. So he had to cave! And it's not like he promised or anything.....wait...

In the last Congress, a bill was introduced in the House by Rep. Martin Meehan, D-Massachusetts, that would have implemented "a policy of nondiscrimination on the basis of sexual orientation." What a radical concept!

The bill had 149 co-sponsors, but it never came up for a full vote in the House. It has yet to be re-introduced in the new Congress, which began last week. Congress, this is Bill. Bill, Congress.

"The key here is to get bills that pass the House and the Senate, that we can get to President-elect Obama to sign, and I think that we can do that, certainly, the first year of the administration," one of the co-sponsors, Democratic Rep. Ellen Tauscher of California, told CNN in November.

Public opinion appears to be shifting on the matter. A CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll conducted December 19-21 found that 81 percent of respondents believe openly gay people should be allowed to serve in the U.S. military, while 17 percent said they shouldn't. The poll's margin of error was plus-or-minus 3 percentage points. You like us, you really like us!

The chairman of the joint chiefs of staff at the time, retired Gen. Colin Powell, also believes it is time to reevaluate the policy -- although he has not said he favors its reversal.

"It's been 15 years and attitudes have changed," Powell told CNN in December. "And, so, I think it is time for the Congress, since it is their law, to have a full review of it. And I'm quite sure that's what President-elect Obama will want to do."

Violent Opposition

2009-01-12T18:00:00.005-05:00

From WCBSTV: Uzinagaz, a French internet game maker proves that Europeans can be just as crass and insensitive as Americans, with their game, New York Defender, in which the player attempts to shoot down airliners before they can crash into the World Trade Center and other targets.

"Use your mouse to fight the feeling of impotence" is the tagline. On the face of it, they seem to be marketing a game designed to give frustrated Americans the illusion of fighting back against the perpetrators of the most horrific act of terrorism ever committed on American soil.

From where I sit, it looks like a profoundly disturbing example of society's desensitisation to violence. As an American, this is way past the line between entertainment and tastelessness, and on into obscenity territory.

So why would anyone create such a thing? Basic economics - where there is a demand, supply = profits. And there is a huge demand for simulated death and destruction. According to the McPaper...I mean, USA Today, Grand Theft Auto 4 sales topped $500 million in the first week after it's release.

I'm not a GTA fan. Gratuitous violence does not make for compelling gameplay for me. I have no desire to shoot police officers, throw Molotov cocktails into crowds, or stomp prostitutes to death, even in a simulation. And I'm pissed off almost all the time. I don't like war games or "shooters", either. The closest thing I have to a shooter game is Army Men: Green Rogue. (Which I suck at, probably in large part due to my lack of experience in the genre).

I don't see the appeal, but clearly, millions of people do. I'm sure that violence in video games does lead to violence in real life, mostly because people are stupid. Some people are definitely stupid enough to confuse video games with real life. Hell, some people replace real life with video games.

So, yeah, it's offensive. And, it's potentially dangerous. OK, well, what's the answer here? The ratings system doesn't work. Should the games be banned? And even if they were, would that stop them, or just increase their allure? I'm not in favor of censorship on general principles, and I doubt we would get much agreement on where the line should be drawn, anyway. I don't like "for your own good" government intervention, either. But since we're doing that anyway, here's a thought: why not a "sin tax" on violent video games, with the proceeds going to anti-violence education? Anyone else got a better idea?

Forms, Finances, and Finally, an Explanation

2009-01-10T13:23:00.005-05:00

I haven't mentioned the current financial crisis because I don't understand it. I've never had enough credit to get into any real trouble, and so I have always lived within my limited means. I don't say this with any kind of hubris. I don't have crushing debt not because I'm so much smarter than everyone else about money, but rather because I have such a limited understanding of it.
When I was a young adult, I got my first checking account and my first credit card. It was a department store card, I can't remember which store now. I remember being told that a store credit card was an excellent way to begin building my credit. I vaguely understood that credit was a good, grown-up thing to have.
I used the card to buy some clothes, and I may have even made a payment or two before I lost interest in the whole idea. Long story short, I defaulted on the debt and never got another credit card again until bank cards started sporting the little Visa logo. I've had checking accounts, off and on through the years, mostly with similar results. I'm very good at bouncing checks, but not so good at balancing a checkbook.
Yes, I know it's irresponsible. I have no excuse. I just....don't get it. It's not that I want to be a deadbeat, and I usually do pay my debts, eventually (although that was not always true). Money itself does not confuse me. If something costs $40 and I have $3, I don't get to buy it. That's how that works.
Numbers in general though, have not been a friend to me. I flunked freshman algebra three times, eventually dropping out of college because of it. I'm still convinced that the quadratic equation is an elaborate hoax perpetrated by all the rest of you on me alone.
Even more than numbers, I dread forms. Application forms, tax forms, insurance forms, all forms baffle and often enrage me, and I try to give them a wide berth. Did you know some forms are numbered?! Each little "field" has it's own number! I shudder at the very thought of it. Maybe it's my ADD, but something in the way my brain is wired just hopelessly jumbles up anything form or mathematically related. But I digress.
So, anyway, the whole financial collapse is alarming to me, but I can't say I have a very firm grasp of the situation.
I realize most of ya'll probably understand it better than I do, but just in case it isn't all that clear to you, either, The Wall Street Journal has an excellent little series of three short videos that does a pretty good of explaining the whole thing with a minimum use of numbers. I highly recommend it.

Exploiting Sarah

2009-01-09T08:53:00.009-05:00

From CNN — Sarah Palin is credited with making Tina Fey a world-wide star and boosting Katie Couric's ratings at CBS.

But in a recent interview with conservative John Ziegler, Palin said both "exploited" her twelve-week candidacy — a fact, she said, that "says a great deal about our society.” Exploited? Really? That seems a little naive, doesn't it? Comedians lampoon public figures, and television news anchors interview them. I'm not sure what Governor Palin expected when she decided to run for Vice-President, but I don't see anything outside of the norm here. (Besides a VP candidate woefully unprepared for an interview, that is.)

Fey's widely-applauded portrayal of the Alaska governor boosted SNL's ratings, while Couric’s audience grew after a series of interviews during which Palin now-famously faltered. I'll get back to you on that.
“I did see that Tina Fey was named entertainer of the year and Katie Couric’s ratings have risen," Palin said in the interview. "I know that a lot of people are capitalizing on, oh I don’t know, perhaps some exploiting that was done via me, my family, my administration — that’s a little bit perplexing, but it also says a great deal about our society.” That's so true. We will laugh at you if make a fool of yourself on National television. We are a cruel and heartless folk.

The Alaska governor was particularly upset with an SNL skit during which Fey's version of Palin said, "I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers."
The line was a clear reference to Palin's 18-year-old daughter Bristol and her fiancé Levi Johnston. The two announced shortly before the GOP convention that they were expecting a baby and had plans to marry. Oh, lighten up! That was probably the line of the year. Besides, I think the horse is outta the barn, as far as sheltering Bristol, don't you?

"The mama grizzly rises up in me, hearing things like that," she said of a skit. "Here again, cool, fine come attack me. But when you make a suggestion like that that attacks a kid, it kills me."

In the wide-ranging interview, Palin also faulted the McCain campaign for agreeing to a series of sit-downs with Couric after the first one appeared to go so poorly. Poorly? I thought it was even funnier than the SNL skits! I'd call that a success!
“I knew it didn’t go well the first day, and then we gave her a couple of other segments after that," she said. "And my question to the campaign was, after it didn’t go well the first day, why were we going to go back for more…going back for more was not a wise decision either.”

During one of those follow-up interviews, Palin took heat for appearing to be unable to name the newspapers or magazines she reads: "Um of them, any of them that have been in front of me all these years," was the Alaska governor's response.
In the interview with Ziegler, Palin called that answer "too flippant" and suggested the question itself offended her. If by "flippant", you mean asinine, then I agree.
“To me the question was more along the lines of, ‘Do you read, what do you guys do up there, what is it that you read?’”
"…Katie, you’re not the center of everybody’s universe," Palin added off-handedly. Oh! Burn!
Palin, who has long criticized media coverage of her campaign performance, also said she is interested to see if reporters are equally tough on Caroline Kennedy as she pursues the appointment to the likely-vacant Senate seat in New York.
“I’ve been interested to see how Caroline Kennedy will be handled, and if she will be handled with kid gloves or if she will be under such a microscope,” she said.
“It’s going to be interesting to see how that plays out and I think that as we watch that we will perhaps be able to prove that there is a class issue here, also that was such a factor in the scrutiny of my candidacy versus, say, the scrutiny of what her candidacy may be," she also said. She has a point there. After all, Caroline Kennedy lives on Park Avenue, while poor Palin couldn't even afford to pay for building her own home (allegedly)!

...but I swear it was in self-defense...

2009-01-07T18:39:00.005-05:00

I noticed this story on Yahoo! news about a California sheriff being indicted for accepting bribes and kickbacks today, and it seemed kinda familiar. I guess it reminded me of this story, which was making the local news back when I was living in Virginia.

That sheriff had a nifty little plan to sell confiscated drugs. Gotta like the profit margins on that! This poor schmuck in Oregon just threatened to fire any department employees who ran against him. Weak! I doubt I'd have remembered that one.

I bet it was the Valdosta sheriff who liked to shake down prisoners for cash and free labor. Or maybe it was the Seneca County, New York debacle that evidently the whole Sheriff's department was in on. That one's memorable, what with the tire theft, free vacations, and a mysterious fire.

Of course, they don't get much bigger than former DeKalb County sheriff Sidney Dorsey's murder and racketeering indictment. That's probably the one I was reminded of.

Could have been payoffs in Texas, DWI in Catskill, embezzlement in NC, or a nice sex with prisoners scandal in Jackson County Tennessee. I particularly enjoyed Jackson County's Sheriff Kenneth Bean's impassioned defense, “I'm not guilty yet. I've got to go to court.”

I was also impressed with Page County, Virginia's Daniel Presgraves, whose 22-count indictment includes everything; sexual assault, appropriation of public funds, intimidation of potential witnesses, and accepting bribes from the fine folks operating the local cockfighting ring.

Remember kids, the police officer is your friend!

Not Again!

2009-01-04T15:06:00.006-05:00

See, this is why I don't let people crash on my couch. Because they won't go away! Daddy Bush says he'd like to see Jeb in the White House. How much money and power does this family need, anyways?

In fairness, he did allow that "...right now is probably a bad time, because we've got enough Bushes in there." More than enough, I'd say. Also, the timing might be a little off, in that the last election just ended and the new President (who is curiously not a Bush) hasn't even taken the oath of office yet. So, that might be kinda awkward, huh?

He suggests that maybe Jeb could be Florida's new Senator in the meantime. Well, it'd be hard to do worse than Mel Martinez, I'll give ya that, George.

George also comments that the New York Times' many criticisms of his namesake son were, "grossly unfair." Not as unfair as you and Barbara foisting off your feckless spawn on this country, big guy.

He did praise President-elect Obama, saying "I've very impressed with his style on the campaign and his coolness and his articulate nature. I think he can give a sentence and it'll sound like it's been thought out by Shakespeare or something." Here's hoping he gives a cool, Shakespearean-sounding sentence to your boy, George.

Sick or just Stupid?

2009-01-02T14:51:00.001-05:00

I've been debating whether or not I should comment on the whole D'Orazio vs. Mozzocco battle over comic kiddie porn. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm a huge fan of Valerie and her blog Occasional Superherione. I'm less impressed with Mozzocco's Newsarama column. It just seems like the comic world's version of a gossip column. Which isn't to say that's a bad thing, just not something I personally enjoy. I find the overall Newsarama site is very well done, and can't be beat for content.

The heated debate on both sites on this topic got pretty ugly for a while there, complete with name-calling (mostly in the comments). Once again, free speech gets tangled up with the perception of obscenity.

Now, I'm not making light of the horrible damage wrought by child pornography. No one here is even remotely endorsing that heinous garbage, and anyone involved in it oughta be castrated. But this?.....isn't that. The images in question here are evidently drawings of Bart and Lisa Simpson engaging in sexual acts. I haven't actually seen the drawings (although in researching for this post, "Simpson's porn" produced a staggering and unsettling number hits). So I may be way off base here, but it sounds to me like the kind of "artwork" one might find on a bathroom stall. Which, while certainly crude and tasteless, isn't inherently harmful, in my opinion.

So I guess my take on the whole mess is that the pictures in question are undoubtedly offensive, but aren't worth getting het up over. Save the righteous anger for the real thing.

My New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-01T18:04:00.001-05:00

2008 is over! Everyone gets a chance to make a fresh start, get rid of those bad habits and begin the year with a new attitude! With that idea of hope and positive change in my head, here's my list of New Year's resolutions:

Gain Weight - At a meager 195 lbs, I just don't feel like I cut a very imposing figure. I plan on beefing up on healthy, nutritious foods like Fudge Rounds, buffalo wings, donuts, and Doritos.

Smoke More - I'm not listening to those anti-smoking sissies and their vicious propaganda. Big tobacco is my friend! Plus, smoking is cool. Everyone knows that.

Make Less Time For My Family - If you've read my previous posts, then you know that spending time with my family makes me crazy. In fact, I don't know anyone who doesn't have a dysfunctional relationship with their family. If you do, don't tell me about it, that's just weird.

Try To See The Worst In Everyone - You know you want me to....

Issue Random Insults and Commit Arbitrary Acts of Assault - What the world needs in these troubled time is more bullies.

Try to Increase My Carbon Footprint - I've been feeling like I'm not really taking my fair share lately. Why should the Republicans have all the fun? I wanna help destroy the planet, too!

Take More - Charity is for suckers. I'll keep whatever's mine, and take what you've got, too. Jesus would want me to.

I know, it's a pretty ambitious list, but I think I'm up to the challenge. I'll check it at the end of 2009 and we'll see how I did.

No F***ing Way

2008-12-29T18:58:00.000-05:00

Now, I already knew that Rush Limbaugh was douchebag, but giggling like a naughty schoolboy over a racist parody song (by fellow douchebag Paul Shanklin)? You have GOT to be kidding me! This is the most offensive bullshit since Abu Ghraib.

Look, I actually think that most Republicans, while I don't agree with their politics, are decent people. A little selfish, a little pushy with the holy-roller crap, maybe, but basically decent. And, a good many GOP honchos are speaking out against Chip Saltsman's inclusion of this ugly little Aryan Nation-ish ditty on a Christmas cd for members of the RNC. As well they should. I'm not even suggesting that those guys are less horrified than I by this whole ugly thing. His response to the whole mess?
"Paul Shanklin is a long-time friend, and I think that RNC members have the good humor and good sense to recognize that his songs for the Rush Limbaugh show are light-hearted political parodies." SERIOUSLY!?

You guys, guys....and I'm talking to any self-described conservatives out there who might, through some freak chance, see this blog....people are listening to this guy. Rush is on the air because he gets monster ratings. And make no mistake, he is speaking for you, for your party, for your family values, whether you asked for it or not. And this Saltsman character is running for the chairmanship of the Republican National Party!

This is why you get such a knee-jerk rejection from us liberals every time you say or do anything. Because while most of you I could probably come to an understanding, if not an agreement with, this jerk? And his sadly numerous peers? I'm sorry to tell you this, but they are speaking for you all, and a disturbingly large number of you are nodding along in agreement.

Those Damn Queers Are Demanding "Rights" Again!

2008-12-27T16:23:00.001-05:00

Recently, About.com featured the following column by Jack Kerwick: (italics are mine)

Proposition 8 and the events that have unfolded in the wake of its passage in California have reignited the controversy over so-called “gay marriage.” Partisans on both sides of this issue invariably characterize it as an issue over the “definition” of marriage: those on the Right want to continue “defining” marriage as a union between “a man and a woman”, while those on the Left seek to expand its definition to encompass unions between members of the same sex.

While the issue at stake here definitely involves “the definition” of marriage, to understand it only in these terms is to both misunderstand and grossly understate what is at stake. No arguement there.

The claim that this debate centers on a disagreement over a “definition” erroneously suggests that the proponents and opponents of “gay marriage” differ with one another merely in degree ; in fact, the conflict between them runs much deeper than the term “definition” would indicate. Yep, all the way down to the basic rights heterosexual Americans take for granted. Like the right to be protected from discrimination in housing and employment, the right of spousal inheritence, and all other societal privileges granted to heterosexual marriages.

Republicans and Democrats entertain (or at least claim to entertain) different “definitions” of government, yet insofar as the one Party champions “Big Government” while the other promotes “Small Government,” their disagreement appears to be one of degree. Couldn't resist that tired old "big government" dig, even now, could ya, Kerwick?

In contrast, the difference between the two conceptions of “marriage” in question is a difference in kind . Here we go, let the spin begin.

Reflection on the history of the institution of marriage makes it possible to abstract from the contingencies and relativities of time and place an ideal type, that is, a set of presuppositions underlying and, thus, surviving the fluctuations that actual marriage has undergone and in the absence of which it wouldn’t be the institution that it is. Good thing it's "fluctuated" away from that whole "women as property" beginning, huh? Oh wait...

Admittedly, these presuppositions are few in number, but they are unmistakable. Anyone else sense mistakes coming up?

Marriage is, first, an enduring, indeed, permanent union (Not even gonna bother looking up divorce rates here.); second, it is the permanent union between members of the opposite sex—an inherently heterosexual compact; finally, it is a union from which children can be and are expected to spring.

Those on the Right who oppose “gay marriage” by arguing that marriage is and always has been “the union of a man and a woman” are being less than fully honest. Wow, what a humbling admission!

It is much more accurate to say that marriage has always been a union between men and women .

“Polygamy” -- the union of one man and several women -- has been the historical norm. “Polyandry” -- the union of one woman and multiple men -- though much rarer, is not unheard of. Anthropological evidence suggests that history is not without cultures that sanctioned the marrying of sons and mothers! Holy marriage trivia, Batman! And, of course, marriage has been expressed through the form of monogamy.

The proponents of these various expressions of marriage often disagree fiercely and passionately with one another over the proper form of marriage. Still, their disagreement is one of degree. There is no disagreement that marriage is an inherently heterosexual union, the means by which the human race is replenished and civilized. I think it's nice they were all able to agree on that at least, don't you?

The proponents of so-called “gay-marriage” demand not merely a “re-definition” of marriage -- marriage has been continually redefined throughout its history -- they demand, rather, that two fundamentally distinct, irreducible kinds of association, the one “marital,” the other “non-marital,” be collapsed into one another. To paraphrase Aristotle, it was as if they insisted on describing the conclusions of mathematics in terms of “virtue” and “vice,” “justice” and “injustice,” and ethics in terms of “axioms” and “proofs.” I'll see your Aristotle and raise you Platos' Republic on the subject of marriage.

In short, the proponents of “gay marriage” claim a “right” (Those zany homosexuals and their wacky claims of "rights"!) to a contradiction in terms: “same-sex unions” simply cannot be marital. Bearing in mind that the argument in favor of “same-sex marriage” is not simply an argument in favor of but one more revision of the “definition” of marriage, but instead rests upon a fundamental confusion of categories, it is not difficult to recognize the comparison with earlier restrictions on inter-racial marriage that are often made for the spurious analogy that it is. Funny, it all looks like hate to me.

That parties to a marriage be of the same racial background is not a postulate of marriage. Or, to use the idiom of an earlier era, race is an “accidental” feature of marriage, while heterosexuality is “essential” to it. Because only heterosexuals can take vows and exchange rings?

Mormons have incurred the wrath of the supporters of “same sex marriage” for their endorsement of Proposition 8. In response to the outrageous manner in which members of the Church of Latter Day Saints (LDS) have been treated, it would be something like poetic justice if they would now assert their “right” to marry whomever and how many ever people they wanted to marry. While our society judges polygamy an undesirable marital arrangement, unlike homosexual “unions,” at least polygamy is a form of marriage. I kinda wish they'd take ya up on that, if only so I could watch ya'll try to fight this battle on two fronts.

Paraphrasing Aristotle, correcting fellow pundits on their semantics, and using tortured sentence structure do not make for a compelling arguement, Mr. Kerwick. There's a reason you have to work so hard to make your case against gay marriage. It's always difficult to defend an exclusive veiwpoint, because such a position requires one to dismiss all other opinions as foolish and without merit. If you'd step away from your irrational fear that we are trying to take something away from you for a moment, maybe you could see how damaging it is to society as a whole to marginalize an entire segment of the population on the basis of who (whom?) they love.

You've Gotta See This

2008-12-27T10:09:00.000-05:00

I stayed home last night and watched the Thrashers / Hurricanes game on TV because I really can't afford to spend any money on hockey tickets just now. I kind of wish I'd gone, even though the Thrashers ended up losing 5-4, just so I could say I'd been there when players from both teams scored hat tricks. Brian Little got the first HT of his career, and the guy just keeps getting better and better. Unfortunately, so does Eric Staal, who made two of his three goals unassisted.

But as exciting as that game was, it had nothing as amazing as John Tavare's bouncy - bouncy goal in the World Junior's exhibition game against Slovokia. Watch the video. Even if you're not a hockey fan, it's impressive (and kind of funny). Commenter oddlay (be odd if he was, judging by his profile) laments "Too bad he's doomed to be chosen by the Islanders or the Thrashers".
I sure hope we get him, he'd be a nice addition to this quietly improving team.

Survivor Gabon

2008-12-24T12:51:00.000-05:00

No, Corrine was not my favorite this season, nor was the equally wretched Randy. I heart Sugar. Wanna see why? Check out Andy Denhart's interviews with the cast members on Reality Blurred.

Rage & Reindeer

2008-12-24T10:44:00.000-05:00

I don't exactly hate the holidays, I like the extra days off, and the plentiful baked treats. I don't have any religious beliefs, but the story about baby Jesus is about as inoffensive a myth as the Santa one, so I got no hate on there.

Predictably, there are also things I don't like about the holidays. Here's a few:

The endless, jingle bell infested, magical snowman and/or reindeer referencing, child-oriented, nerve-grating music. It's playing everywhere I go, and I'm warning you all - it kicks my homicidal tendencies up a couple of notches.

The family obligations. Visiting family is hard on an angry old bitch like me. These are, after all, the people who provided the genesis of my inner rage. Choking down all that old resentment while listening to Fox News "talking points" being mindlessly regurgitated by weak, fearful relatives, against a backdrop of noisy, dirty-faced children in church donated shabby clothing leaves me in a depressive funk that my meds can't even touch. It's a white-trash Christmas!

Present pressure. Yes, even my twisted, bitter soul is not immune to the desire to give gifts to friends, donations to strangers, and most of all, brightly colored baubles for the aforementioned dirty-faced children. Because I know all too well just how dark and sad their lives are, even if they don't....yet. Of course, I cannot afford to give any gifts this year. I'm barely keeping my bills paid. So, the extra pressure? Not really needing it right now, thanks.

Jingle-rage. Is it just me, or do people get more hostile during the holidays? I'm not just talking about the mall madness, either. The traffic is horrible, drivers are so aggressive even an anger junkie like me thinks "Man, be cool already, we'll all get there if everyone plays nice."

Christmas Crime. Maybe it's the present pressure, or maybe it's just the wealth of opportunities during the yearly orgy of consumerism, but burglaries, smash & grabs, armed robberies, and every other variation on the theme of theft are as much a part of the holidays as ribbons and Rudolph.

Happy freakin' holidays.

What a Dick!

2008-12-22T18:08:00.000-05:00

In a new CNN poll, 23% of Americans think that Dick Cheney is the worst vice president in history. When asked to comment on the results, Dan Quayle responded "Already? Agnew had a longer run than me! You guys suck!"

In other news, less than 25% of Americans are paying attention to national and world events.

Why comics?

2008-12-21T09:25:00.000-05:00

Because costumed superheroes can do what I can't. They face off against the evil and corrupt in society and beat the crap out of them. They do what's right, even when they are personally conflicted. They stand up for the little guy when no one else will. They put the greater good ahead of individual gain. And they look good in tights.

Homophobia is The American Way

2008-12-19T08:15:00.000-05:00

The United States refused to sign a U.N. resolution calling for the decriminalization of homosexuality. Not surprisingly, Muslim nations and the Vatican also declined to support the resoultion. So, really, all the theocracies are in favor of criminal penalties for homosexuality.

The only really shocking thing about this to me is my own capacity to be even more disgusted by what has become of our country than I already was after 7+ years of Facist policies.

Keeping with the theme of forcing religious views on others, NPR's Julie Rovner has an excellent piece on their site about Bush's latest bullshit. The upshot of it is that now Dr. Jesusfreak can not only refuse to give a rape victim a "morning after" pill, but can even decline to mention the option exists.

Making the case for court-ordered vasectomies

2008-12-17T10:18:00.000-05:00

From the AP:
EASTON, Pa. – The father of 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell, denied a birthday cake with the child's full name on it by one New Jersey supermarket, is asking for a little tolerance.

Because clearly, tolerance is this family's watchword.

Heath Campbell and his wife, Deborah, are upset not only with the decision made by the Greenwich ShopRite, but with an outpouring of angry Internet postings in response to a local newspaper article over the weekend on their flare-up over frosting.
"I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they've been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past," Heath Campbell said Tuesday in an interview conducted in Easton, on the other side of the Delaware River from where the family lives in Hunterdon County, N.J.
"There's a new president and he says it's time for a change; well, then it's time for a change," the 35-year-old continued. "They need to accept a name. A name's a name. The kid isn't going to grow up and do what (Hitler) did."

As much as we may want him to....

Deborah Campbell, 25, said she phoned in her order last week to the ShopRite. When she told the bakery department she wanted her son's name spelled out, she was told to talk to a supervisor, who denied the request.
Karen Meleta, a spokeswoman for ShopRite, said the Campbells had similar requests denied at the same store the last two years and said Heath Campbell previously had asked for a swastika to be included in the decoration.

Because the swastika is obviously the universal symbol for Happy Birthday, toddler!

"We reserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate," Meleta said. "We considered this inappropriate."

I'm pretty sure allowing these people to breed is inappropriate.

The Campbells' other two children also have unusual names: JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell turns 2 in a few months and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will be 1 in April.
Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name." He sounded surprised by all the controversy the dispute had generated.

Here's another unique name idea for ya, Heath, how about Daddysan Idiot Campbell?

Campbell said his ancestors are German and that he has lived his entire life in Hunterdon County. On Tuesday he wore a pair of black boots he said were worn by a German soldier during World War II.
He said he was raised not to avoid people of other races but not to mix with them socially or romantically. But he said he would try to raise his children differently.

Off to a great start there, genius.

"Say he grows up and hangs out with black people. That's fine, I don't really care," he said. "That's his choice."

Here's hoping his choice is to change his name and disown the mental midgets who begat him.

Human Rights Declaration

2008-12-15T19:24:00.000-05:00

From Katie Couric's Notebook:
This week marks the 60th Anniversary of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. In 1948, former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt championed the document at the United Nations. The atrocities of the Holocaust gave its words grave meaning. It reads, "All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood." It's a statement of rights, but also responsibilities. Violence in Darfur has claimed 300,000 lives and driven millions from their homes. Protesters in Myanmar have been beaten or killed for promoting democracy, and bloggers have been arrested in Iran for criticizing the regime. Sixty years later, the declaration is as necessary as it was when Mrs. Roosevelt stood before the United Nations. The rights it protects belong to all humans. The responsibilities it entrusts are yours and mine.

Somebody should tell the Republicans about this, so they can try to repeal it. Maybe the Mormons have some money left from their Proposition 8 bullshit.

If The Shoe Fits

2008-12-14T17:57:00.000-05:00

An Iraqi journalist sums up worldwide opinion of George Bush's legacy.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/bush

Greedy Bastards

2008-12-14T11:35:00.000-05:00

Greedy bastards rank very high on the list of things that piss me off. Here's how the greedy oil producing bastards have decided to help out with the collapse of the world economy: http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20081214/bs_afp/opeccommoditiesenergyoilprice
&@%!ers.

Me & George

2008-12-13T13:17:00.000-05:00

Monday is payday. I have exactly one dollar. Uncharacteristically, I've decided not to let this piss me off. Instead, I've propped my dollar up against my monitor, and I'm hanging out with my pal, George Washington. He doesn't laugh at any of my jokes, and he didn't help me move the furniture to set up my new home office, but I like his cynical look.