Thrills in job seeking

Wow. Looking for a job is super fun. I haven't found anything yet, but I have been rejected by some really swell folks. It's kind of like dating, only I don't get dinner or a movie before the "It's not you, it's me" speech. I'm not worried, though. I've come up with some really good career ideas. Here are a few of the jobs I feel most qualified for.

Lead singer for a speed metal band.

Quality assurance consultant for medical marijuana growers.

Sweat pants model.

Telephone psychic.

Sleep study participant.

Cat sitter.

Hot dog vendor.

International spy.

Republican speech writer.

Television critic.

Beer taster.

Reality tv star.

Rumor monger.

Heckler.

Slap bet commissioner.

Driving instructor.

Motivational speaker.

Beach tanning coordinator.

Gold prospector.

Heiress.

Anything Ryan Seacrest could do, but won't. Like, date women.

Indoor adventurist.

Brothel madame.


Bigfoot hunter.

If you know of any available positions in any of these fields, please let me know!

Thank you, thank you very much...

Well, it's Thanksgiving, and it's got me thinking about all the things I'm thankful for. Like....


My sweet job, which allows me to work from home, thereby avoiding all you other drivers who live to piss me off.

Computer illiterates, who allow me to have my sweet job.

Television, where everyone is clever and attractive.


Herbal supplements

Easy women.

My family, who give me a safe, warm feeling of superiority.

Chili Cheese Fritos.


Las Vegas.

Catsforgold.com

$1 double-cheeseburgers at Burger King.

Neve Campbell and Denise Richards making out in Wild Things.

No more Bush-Cheney-Rove bullshit.

Not having to explain my months of silence here.

Gay bars.

Movies where things blow up.

Hockey.

Friends with beer.

What I Want For My Birthday

All traffic to magically part and let me pass.

Rush Limbaugh's head on a stick.

Legalization of marijuana.

Someone to come clean my house for me.

A haircut.

Free lunch!

All my bills paid.

A week's vacation at the beach.

Equal rights for gays and lesbians.

Denise Richards in my bed.


A carton of cigarettes. (smoke up, johnny)

My cat to refrain from hawking up hairballs.

The return of Carol Danvers as Ms. Marvel.

To be a contestant on Survivor!

The collapse of the Republican party. (great job so far, guys!)

Hockey season tickets.

Winning lottery ticket.

Fireworks.

Things I Wish I Could Say

How do you even manage to tie your shoes?

I'm sorry, you're too stupid, I can't help you.

Do you ever shut up?

What makes you think I care?

Why does your mother dress you like that?

No one likes you.

I don't think you're aware of other people.

You drive like an idiot.

Oh, nevermind, you are an idiot.

I know you're talking, but all I hear is "blah, blah, blah".

Just keep walking.

Could you please just stop with the breathing?

You know, showering is more effective than overpowering perfume.

I wonder why you're so impressed with yourself?

When did they let you out?

Can I help you find the door?

Man, you really look old in this light.

No one's out to get you. No one wants you.

It really wasn't that good for me.

Shit I Can Do Without

No raises this year at work.

The heat.


Dick Cheney's mouth.

"It's not you, it's me."

Having everything I say analyzed.

Being broke.

Dealing with garages and insurance people.

Lack of power steering in my car.

Cleaning up after other people.

Techs who want me to do their job for them.

Lifetime movies.

Doctors on power trips.

Math.

Other drivers.

Watching out for other people's feelings.

Trashy people.

Being ignored.

Putting up with other people's crap.

Dickipedia

Absolutely a must-read!
http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Dick_Cheney

Things I Don't Need

People telling me I need to "lose a few pounds".

The birthday gift of Vehicle Registration fees.

A really nice detailing job on my car in lieu of working power steering.

Clients telling me how much they prefer other software.

The opportunity to clean up after others.

Stories about how winning the lottery turned out to be a curse for some people.

No Smoking rules.

Being informed that diet sodas are full of harmful chemicals.

Dating advice.

Conversations about other people's health issues.

Being stuck with the tab.

Rush hour traffic.

Commercials.

Jokes about anti-depressants.

Bitching.

Condom machines in the women's restroom.

Text messages while I'm driving.

Unexpected expenses.

Attitude.

The Hits Just Keep Coming

OK, so I finally got my car back from the body shop Friday. It only took them 3 freakin weeks to fix it. Evidently, either whoever does the parts ordering is an idiot, or they have the worst parts supplier outside of the U.S. military. It took them three tries to get the right hood, then three more to get the right radiator, THEN they had the wrong bumper part. I mean seriously, does anyone buy that? Think up some new excuses, Autoglo.
So I have the car back....and the power steering doesn't work!? WTF? It was working when I pulled the car off the highway after the accident, but it doesn't work now. Of course, they say this has nothing to do with them, and now I have to take the car to another mechanic.
This is officially bullshit. They were all very polite, the front end looks like brand new, and they even detailed the car for me. So maybe I'm just being a bitch here, but I actually expected to be able to drive it without having an upper body workout.
I just want this shit over with.

People I Hate

Anyone with a big-ass SUV with freakin' tinted windows. I don't wanna look at your sorry ass, I just wanna see traffic. Tool.

The guy at the body shop who keeps getting the wrong f***ing parts for my car.

The bitch with the house on the corner who put boulders on the corner of her yard so no one can take the turn tight anymore. Like that 1 foot of your yard is so precious that everyone should risk collision to avoid accidentally running over it.

Rich, spoiled morons who are too tight to pay working people a living wage.

Everyone who has to slow down in traffic to get a good look at the fender bender on the side of the road.


Dick "Shut the hell up already" Cheney.

Anyone over 30 who still belongs to a "clique".

Everyone involved with NASCAR, especially the fans.

People who abandon their animals. You all oughta be kept chained in a yard and starved.

Arrogant retail clerks. You fold shirts for a living. You are not all that.

Telemarketers. Why isn't this industry dead yet?

Wimpy Democrats.

Self-righteous Republicans.

The insufferable morons on Pogo who insist on keeping up juvenile chat full of lame sexual innuendo in a game room. Go to a freakin' dating site and get some, maybe then you won't feel the need to bore everyone else with your poorly spelled attempts to hook up.

Karma Crash

OK, after all my ranting about bad drivers, karma finally caught up with me. Friday afternoon, I wrecked my car. Dammit. Nobody was hurt, but it has been an expensive, exhausting ordeal. Everyone I've had to deal with has been pretty cool, from the cop to the insurance adjuster, with one exception - the f***ing rental car guy (Enterprise = bunch of morons). Seems you can't use your debit card to rent a car, unless you have 2 utility bills with you. Cause everyone carries those around with them. In their friend's cars. Asshats. So, after 20 minutes of his painfully polite refusal to help, he asks me where the car is being fixed. I tell him it's at Autoglo in Tucker (shout out to Jerry the dog over there). He's all, "Oh, we know them, let me call over there and if they verify they have your car, we can use your debit card."
To which my friend asked "This, you couldn't have done 20 minutes ago?" Seriously.
So now, I'm waiting impatiently for the body shop and the insurance guy to decide between them if my car is gonna be fixed or totalled. Yeah, it's not been fun.

People I Want To Punch In The Face

There was a pick your five quiz on Facebook the other day on this subject, and I had such a hard time narrowing it down to just five. I thought I'd post a more complete list here.

George W. Bush

Karl Rove

Dick Cheney

Ann Coulter

Rush Limbaugh

Bill O'Reilly

Pauly Shore

Gilbert Gottfreid

Jim Belushi

Anyone else responsible for According To Jim

Sissy Spacek

Anyone named Kardashian

All the Bachelors and Bachelorettes

Mel Gibson

Fred Phelps

All Televangalists

Newt Gingrich

Sarah Palin

All drivers in front of me in traffic

All shoppers in front of me in line

Anyone in front of me

Michael Vick

Marcus Vick

All wannabe thug rappers

Rednecks

Religious fanatics

Rich people

Anyone who works in a call center in India

People with mullets

Anyone who drives a huge, gas-guzzling SUV that I can't see around

Guys who ride around with their stereos up way too loud

Everyone who tries to rewrite history to make Ronald Reagan look like a great President

Whoever won that $220 million dollar lottery

Things I Have Been Doing Instead of Blogging

Watching dyke drama.

Playing computer games.

Working.

Appealing to the lottery Gods.

Neglecting my chores.

Getting laid.

Watching TV.

Planning a party.

Trying in vain to comprehend my finances.

Talking to the cat, and believing she understands me.

Smoking.

Enjoying my road rage.

Being smugly satisfied with the new President.

Pondering writer's block.

Sin Pretty

I caught the Sin Pretty show at the Moon Shadow Tavern Saturday night. I'm no reviewer, but these girls flat-out rock. If you're in the Atlanta area, you really need to check out this band. Their next show is Thursday, May 7th, at Smith's Olde Bar at 7pm. I'm telling you, see them once, and you'll be an instant fan. http://www.sinpretty.com/home.html

Fun April Fool's Jokes

Tell small children that Mickey Mouse died.

Bounce your rent check.

Tell your significant other that you found someone younger and better looking. Oh, and richer.

Go to dinner with friends and "forget" your wallet.

Wear a Ralph Nader campaign t-shirt.

Tell everyone it's your birthday and demand gifts.

Dye your roommate's dog purple with Kool-Aid.

Toss a new red towel into your brother's laundry.

Bake a nice batch of Ex-Lax brownies for everyone in the office.

Pack all of a co-workers' personal items in a box and set it on his desk while he's at lunch. When he gets back, tell him the boss wants to see him.

Call tech support and ask them where the "any" key is.

Tell your brother-in-law that he picked the wrong sibling, and wink suggestively. This is funnier if you're a guy.

Put yellow food coloring in your buddy's beer, then tell her she looks a little jaundiced.

Three words - Flaming Dog Poo.

Going For Broke

I am broke. I was stressing out about it, but I took a pill, and now I don't care anymore. In fact, I'm totally fine with it. I'm just thinking about all the cool things I can do with no money!

Stare in restaurant windows at people eating and make them uncomfortable.

Chase the cat with the vacuum.

Extol the virtues of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Clean the kitchen floor, all the while wondering where the singing mice and birdies are.

Watch TV shows On Demand. Because I am nothing, if not demanding.

Teach the dog to sing.

Try to make my computer games work with Windows Vista until it makes me weep.

Meditate on the meaning of hockey.

Try to catch Cheese-its in my mouth.

Chase the cat again, while vacuuming up Cheese-its.

Yell at my bank manager for screwing everything up, even though it's not her fault.

Lie around like a lump.

Sit smugly in my house while everyone fights rush hour in the rain.

Read comic books.

I better get busy, I have alot to do.

Calling Names

Well, lately, since I've been working from home, I haven't had to deal with people as much. At least, not face-to-face. Which is a good thing, in my case, since I tend to not like people very much. I do go into the office on Mondays, though, and while I was in yesterday, I noticed that I have a habit of naming the people that I see alot, but don't know by name.
Some of the nicknames are innocuous, like "Mail room Lady", or "Boss Guy." Others are more indicative of my prejudices. My office has some interesting characters. There's the woman who always smokes outside of the smoking area. I call her "Rules Don't Apply to me."
The guy who hasn't changed his haircut since 1st grade is "Little Boy Hair."
There are a couple of guys that I can't even tell apart, who like the long hair with beard look. I call them "The Bearded Ladies."
The person I most try to avoid is the non-stop talker I've named "Please Pay Attention to me." I may strangle her one fine day.
There's a group of gay girls who work down in the mail room. I know them, collectively, as "The Downstairs Dykes". They include "Dude, Where's My Neck?", "Stretch", and "Short & Sweet".
Then there's the overly smug silver-haired guy, "Look How Smart I am", the false bravado of "Insecurity Guy", and the political demagogue "Listen To Me."
Other male characters include "Too Good For This Place", "Parties Too Hard", "The Clueless Kid", "Overcompensation Man", and "Stuck In The 60's."
And let's not forget the women - "Yes, I Am A Bitch", "One Day I'm Gonna Kill You All", "You Will Respect Me", and "Please Be My Friend."
I guess my nickname should be "Judging You All."

Cool Links

Oracle of Bacon - Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. This is a fun site.

Alien Abductees - Alien abduction experiences and research. OK then.

Holy Taco - One of my favorite quirky, cool sites.

Geocaching - Treasure hunting via GPS.

Infiltration - Urban exploration. Cool idea, kinda spooky. I like that.

Best of Craig's List - Angry, bitter, foolish people post weird stuff on Craig's List. Gotta love it!

Geeks of Doom - All things Geeky. A must see.

The Tortellini - Bites of Law and Politics, with Sauce. Very interesting stuff.

{dŭm’ăs-ə-fō’bē-ə} - A guy after my own bitter heart.

Losing The Edge

OK, so, here's the problem: I'm not myself lately. I've...lost my edge. I haven't wanted to punch hardly anyone in weeks. Well, except the people in front of me in traffic, I can always count on them. Oh, and those assholes at AIG. And Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh and their ilk. Yeah, and myself, kinda, because I continue to be baffled by my checking account, and it turns out they charge for cluelessness. And whatever programming tool at Fox that moved Terminator to Fridays. But hardly anyone else.
Maybe it's the meds messing with me. It could be that my personal life is humming along pretty well. I have the strangest feeling lately. I smile at people. I say, "Hello" to strangers. I know what it is, I've seen it before in Disney movies. I'm just embarrassed to say it. It's all so different and out of character for me, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Alright, here it is: I'm....I think that I might be......happy...ish. I mean, I'm not angry, or bitter, or cynical, or any of the other stuff that makes me who I am. Well, it's probably temporary, but it's f***ing with my head.
Does anyone know how this sh*t works?

Greedy Bastards at AIG

There's an excellent piece on the AIG debacle by Matt Miller on The Daily Beast today. Those guys are throwing gas on the fire that's raging through our economy. These robber barons of the new millennium really don't get it, do they? They already have millions of dollars, and they want to take more from us?! Way to call bullsh*t, Matt!

Catching Leprechauns

From Chiff.com:

How to Trap a Leprechaun
You can make a trap with common household items. Take a net, a cardboard box, green paint, green tissue paper, some pennies and an old shoe. Firstly, paint the cardboard box green and place the old shoe inside. Cover the opening with thin green tissue paper. Carefully lay the pennies on the tissue paper. (If you don't want to use real money, you can easily substitute chocolate gold- wrapped coins or make your own by cutting circles out of cardboard and painting them gold).
Place the trap near some trees or hedgerows. Make sure it's disguised well and blends into the surroundings. When the Leprechaun sees the coins he will try to collect them. He will step onto the tissue paper, it will break and he will fall into the box. Now quickly throw the net over him.
You can also try to lure a leprechaun with some poteen instead of an old shoe. When he falls into the box he will drink the brew, get drunk and then you can grab him.
No one has yet caught a leprechaun, but don't be discouraged. Start looking today. Good luck !!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!