Monday, March 29, 2010

Thrills in job seeking

Wow. Looking for a job is super fun. I haven't found anything yet, but I have been rejected by some really swell folks. It's kind of like dating, only I don't get dinner or a movie before the "It's not you, it's me" speech. I'm not worried, though. I've come up with some really good career ideas. Here are a few of the jobs I feel most qualified for.

Lead singer for a speed metal band.

Quality assurance consultant for medical marijuana growers.

Sweat pants model.

Telephone psychic.

Sleep study participant.

Cat sitter.

Hot dog vendor.

International spy.

Republican speech writer.

Television critic.

Beer taster.

Reality tv star.

Rumor monger.


Slap bet commissioner.

Driving instructor.

Motivational speaker.

Beach tanning coordinator.

Gold prospector.


Anything Ryan Seacrest could do, but won't. Like, date women.

Indoor adventurist.

Brothel madame.

Bigfoot hunter.

If you know of any available positions in any of these fields, please let me know!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thank you, thank you very much...

Well, it's Thanksgiving, and it's got me thinking about all the things I'm thankful for. Like....

My sweet job, which allows me to work from home, thereby avoiding all you other drivers who live to piss me off.

Computer illiterates, who allow me to have my sweet job.

Television, where everyone is clever and attractive.

Herbal supplements

Easy women.

My family, who give me a safe, warm feeling of superiority.

Chili Cheese Fritos.

Las Vegas.

$1 double-cheeseburgers at Burger King.

Neve Campbell and Denise Richards making out in Wild Things.

No more Bush-Cheney-Rove bullshit.

Not having to explain my months of silence here.

Gay bars.

Movies where things blow up.


Friends with beer.

Friday, July 3, 2009

What I Want For My Birthday

All traffic to magically part and let me pass.

Rush Limbaugh's head on a stick.

Legalization of marijuana.

Someone to come clean my house for me.

A haircut.

Free lunch!

All my bills paid.

A week's vacation at the beach.

Equal rights for gays and lesbians.

Denise Richards in my bed.

A carton of cigarettes. (smoke up, johnny)

My cat to refrain from hawking up hairballs.

The return of Carol Danvers as Ms. Marvel.

To be a contestant on Survivor!

The collapse of the Republican party. (great job so far, guys!)

Hockey season tickets.

Winning lottery ticket.


Friday, June 26, 2009

Things I Wish I Could Say

How do you even manage to tie your shoes?

I'm sorry, you're too stupid, I can't help you.

Do you ever shut up?

What makes you think I care?

Why does your mother dress you like that?

No one likes you.

I don't think you're aware of other people.

You drive like an idiot.

Oh, nevermind, you are an idiot.

I know you're talking, but all I hear is "blah, blah, blah".

Just keep walking.

Could you please just stop with the breathing?

You know, showering is more effective than overpowering perfume.

I wonder why you're so impressed with yourself?

When did they let you out?

Can I help you find the door?

Man, you really look old in this light.

No one's out to get you. No one wants you.

It really wasn't that good for me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Shit I Can Do Without

No raises this year at work.

The heat.

Dick Cheney's mouth.

"It's not you, it's me."

Having everything I say analyzed.

Being broke.

Dealing with garages and insurance people.

Lack of power steering in my car.

Cleaning up after other people.

Techs who want me to do their job for them.

Lifetime movies.

Doctors on power trips.


Other drivers.

Watching out for other people's feelings.

Trashy people.

Being ignored.

Putting up with other people's crap.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Things I Don't Need

People telling me I need to "lose a few pounds".

The birthday gift of Vehicle Registration fees.

A really nice detailing job on my car in lieu of working power steering.

Clients telling me how much they prefer other software.

The opportunity to clean up after others.

Stories about how winning the lottery turned out to be a curse for some people.

No Smoking rules.

Being informed that diet sodas are full of harmful chemicals.

Dating advice.

Conversations about other people's health issues.

Being stuck with the tab.

Rush hour traffic.


Jokes about anti-depressants.


Condom machines in the women's restroom.

Text messages while I'm driving.

Unexpected expenses.