Thursday, February 26, 2009

Save Yourself From The Aliens

Have you or someone you know been abducted by aliens? Do little gray men sneak into your room at night and steal you away to their ship and perform experiments on you? Do you have strange lapses in memory, like an utter inability to recall anything that occurs while you are sleeping? Not to worry! I've found a site on preventing alien abductions!

Follow these helpful guidelines from the site and protect yourself!

Leave bright light on; in your room, hallway, and other rooms where Children or others sleep. Or everybody sleep in same room. This is also helpful in keeping away the boogeyman.

If you have a UPS (Uninterruptable Power Supply) for use with computers, plug the lamp into that. (In case abductions include power disruption) This guy thinks of EVERYTHING!

Hurry and buy or rustle up fast, before tonight, some kind of warning buzzer that will alarm you if the power goes off. Uh, I'm pretty sure buzzer-rustling is a crime? Punishable by hanging? Plus, where am I gonna get a black hat and a bandanna before bedtime?

If you have floor fans and/or table fans, bring them into your room and turn them all on, air-stream directed away from you of course. It would be great if one or more fan could be plugged into a UPS. Will a snow-blower work?

Keep a flashlight with fresh batteries beside you in bed (sleep with it!). Well, duh, who doesn't sleep with their flashlight?

If you have an attic fan, turn it on. And piss off the leprechauns in the attic? No thank you!

Spread salt all around your bed; surround it entirely. My doctor told me to stay away from excess salt, can I use Lite Salt? Or, better yet, pepper?

If you have access or can buy quickly (by tonight) the essence of an herb called Yarrow (achillea millefolium), spread it around your bed-room. Aliens hate herbs! And essences!

If nobody is pregnant in your house, also buy essence of an herb called pennyroyal (hedeoma pulegioides) and spread it around your bed-room. Aliens and babies hate pennyroyal!

Sleep with iron bars nearby or preferably, next to you. A crucifix made of iron would be good too. Prisoners are safe. Whew.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Fight For Your Id

Today, I would like to examine an American musical masterpiece, Fight For Your Right, by the Beastie Boys, from a psychological perspective. I can only hope to scratch the surface of the wisdom contained therein. It would take a finer mind than mine to plumb the depths of meaning in these complex phrases.

Kick it! The brilliance here is evident from the very first line, which evokes the powerful imagery of the act of kicking it. One can almost feel the visceral joy of said kick.

You wake up late for school man you don't wanna go. Immediately, the song addresses the central theme, which is the internal struggle between what Freud labeled the Id and the Superego. The Id, of course, is the subject's unconscious desires, versus the Superego, or the pressure felt to adhere to societal mores; in this case, going to school.
You ask your mom, "Please?" but she still says, "No!" Here, the struggle becomes externalized, as a direct confrontation between the Id-driven self and an authority figure.
You missed two classes and no homework. Now we have an attempt to assuage the thwarted Id with a partial victory over the enforced adherence to the rules.
But your teacher preaches class like you're some kind of jerk. Now the Id lashes out, projecting the resentment felt toward the parental figure onto a substitute authority figure.
You gotta fight for your right to party. Ultimately, this struggle is won, at least internally, by the Id, as we see from the confrontational nature of the chorus.
Your pops caught you smoking and he said, "No way!" This time, the authority figure is male, but the theme continues.
That hypocrite smokes two packs a day. The fact that both the subject and the parental figure are male may compound the conflict with Oedipal overtones.
Man, living at home is such a drag. Here, the subject expresses his frustration with the restrictions placed upon him within the parental home.
Now your mom threw away your best porno mag. Busted! This line further suggests that an Oedipus complex may be a secondary subject in the work.
[repeat chorus]
Don't step out of this house if that's the clothes you're gonna wear.
I'll kick you out of my home if you don't cut that hair. Both of these lines serve to reinforce the subjects feeling of impotence in the face of authority.
Your mom busted in and said, "What's that noise?" Here, the subject's preferences (at least in music) are openly challenged.
Aw, mom you're just jealous it's the Beastie Boys! Because of his feelings of powerlessness, his response is classically passive-aggressive.
[repeat chorus]

I mean, wow. Heavy stuff.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Translating Tech Support

In keeping with my personal mission to bring peace between those of us who provide tech support and the users who avail themselves of our services, I've put together a quick primer of commonly used phrases and their translations.

Test feature. - glitch

I'll have to research this. - I have no f***ing idea.

The developers are aware of the issue. - They don't have a f***ing idea, either.

This was caused by incorrect input in certain fields. - You screwed it up.

We are working on it now. - We screwed it up.

I'll need to log into your system. - You aren't bright enough to follow my directions.

Do you have a backup? - If things haven't already gone horribly awry, they're about to.

That's outside the scope of what I do here. - I can probably fix it, but I won't, because it's not my job.

I can understand your frustration. - Quit your damn whining.

Is there a better time for you to address this? - Put me on hold again and I will drive there and bitch-slap you.

I'll certainly pass along your suggestions to development. - Why don't you build your own software if you know so damn much?

Could I speak with your technician or network administrator? - You don't sound like you can even find the keyboard.

Is there anything else I can help you with? - Please say no, please say no, please say no....

Monday, February 23, 2009

A Little Help From My Friends

I just wanted to acknowledge some friends of mine who helped me through an unexpected personal crisis this weekend. A big ol' thanks to Bridgit, Aleta, Pippa, and Donna for your support. I don't know what I'd have done without you.

"A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else." - Len Wein

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Excuses, excuses

Lately, we've been enjoying some exceptionally warm, pleasant days here in Atlanta. The kind of days that make you want to play hooky. In the interest of public service (because I do live to serve), here are some handy excuses for missing work:

All excuses should be preceded by the phrase "What had happened was..."

Mom's in jail again.

The dog got into the Viagra and humped all my tires flat.

I'm having an existential crisis.

My apartment building is surrounded by rabid pigeons.

I fell out of bed and sprained my pyramidalis.

There's a plague of toads in my shower.

How can I work when there's so much suffering in Indochina?

I have the 24-hour Ebola virus.

I'm out of my anti-psychotic pills.

Tiny elves have hidden my shoes and car keys.

I've almost figured out the equation for silly string theory.

The house plants are all sick.

I've been abducted by llamas.

I'm on a Twinkie binge. I may require rehab.

This is not the employee you are looking for.

I'm in training for the International Hand Jive Championships (for the glory of our company).

Wait, what year is this?

My hovercraft is in the shop.

I'm trying to remember the names of all seven brides and brothers.

And of course, the ever popular - I'm bleeding from the eyes.

Have a nice day off.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Things I Like

I seem to have alot of people asking me who or what I do like, since I generally share my dislikes with ya'll. Obviously, even I can't hate everyone and everything. I make damn sure that the people I like know who they are, so here's a list of some of the things I like.

Mocking others.
Fast cars.
Hot women.
Good grooming.
Political snark.
Diet Mountain Dew.
Clean antique furniture.
Comic books featuring female heroes.
Nice hotels.
Computer games that simulate world domination.
Actual world domination.
Smart humor.

Of course, I don't like people who post lists of things they like, so I'm just gonna go indulge in a bit of self-loathing.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Homosexual Agenda

Well, the conservatives have been worried for some time now about the "Homosexual Agenda". And while it has been fun watching them fret about what manner of nefarious, anti-family plots those hedonists have been brewing, I think it's time to set the record...erm...straight. Now, I may have missed some meetings, so if I skip anything, ya'll feel free to add it on.

Agenda Items:

The institution of a nationwide "Happy Hour", with half-price cocktails.

The right to adopt babies who will eventually grow into ungrateful, sullen teenagers and make us feel like we failed as parents.

Inclusion of tanning salons in insurance coverage.

The right to inherit our partner's crushing debt, so we have something to remember them by.

The addition of the letter H to the movie ratings system. Some movies are obviously for us, but others have a more subtle appeal that may not be entirely clear from reviews (G.I. Jane, anyone?)

The right to be badgered into marriage, so we can lose half our stuff in the divorce, because any excuse for shopping is a good excuse.

American Drag Idol.

That's about it. See? We're not really asking for that much, are we?

Monday, February 16, 2009

Driving Me Crazy

I know I've been a little distracted lately, and I wanna make it up to ya'll. So here's a vent on my very favorite subject.
I may have mentioned that I do not like other drivers. I'll admit that I am not the only decent driver in the world, but it's a pretty slim percentage of car jockeys that aren't gonna test the effectiveness of my meds. Yes, I'm aggressive, and yes, I am in a hurry, actually. I'm in a hurry to get the hell out of traffic before I rip a tonsil screaming at the astounding stupidity of most other people on the roads. My rush is for your own safety. So MOVE already.
What the hell is with these drivers who leave a quarter of a mile between them and the car in front of them at traffic lights? Even if it blocks the turn lane? If these asshats had any idea how much this makes me wanna shove their stupid SUVs into that car they're so damn worried about hitting, they might realize how much safer it would be to just tighten it up already.
Oh, and here's another clue - if I put on my turn signal? It means I'm probably gonna turn! So maybe you could back the hell off my ass already. I mean, you won't pull up to the bumper of a car that's sitting still at a light, but you can't even slow down to let me make a left turn?
And while we're at it? Get. Off. Your f***ing cellphone. You insufferable moron. You aren't that great a driver anyways,and let's be honest here - nothing you have to say is all that important anyway. So do the rest of us a favor and stop your yammering until you get wherever the hell you're going.
I don't even understand traffic jams on the expressway. Here's an idea - any numbf*** who causes an accident during rush hour? Jerk that license. See you at the bus stop, dumbass. Now you can talk on your phone all you want. Win/win. And if there isn't an accident? Why aren't we moving? Someone please explain to me why we need to creep along at 10mph if there's nothing blocking the road?
Look, I realize that my aggressive driving style may frighten and annoy others. It's just that I don't care. So just let me pass and we'll all get along fine. And have a nice day.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th

I love Friday the 13th! Actually, after the week I've had? I just love Friday. (Hopefully next week won't be so brutal, and I'll be able to get more posting done.) But the 13th is special! Not because I believe it's unlucky, but because there are actually people who do! And laughing at the fears of others is just what I do, folks. Hey, a little mocking never hurt anyone, and superstitious people are begging for it! Here's some fun info I found to illustrate how stupid it really is:


su⋅per⋅stition –noun
1.a belief or notion, not based on reason or knowledge, in or of the ominous significance of a particular thing, circumstance, occurrence, proceeding, or the like.
2.a system or collection of such beliefs.
3.a custom or act based on such a belief.
4.irrational fear of what is unknown or mysterious, esp. in connection with religion.
5.any blindly accepted belief or notion.

From Wikipedia:

Opening an umbrella indoors is said to result in 21 days of bad luck. Some traditions hold that it is only bad luck if the umbrella is placed over the head of someone while indoors.

When you speak of bad luck, it is said that one should always knock on wood. Also knocking when speaking of good luck apparently helps with having good luck. This is an old Celtic tradition related to belief of wood spirits.

Spilling salt is said to cause a fight or argument during the day. There are several options to "undo" this which seem to relate to various ways of acknowledging the fact that salt was spilled with others present at the scene. One way to revert this is tossing some salt over one's left shoulder with ones right hand.

Breaking a mirror is said to bring bad luck for 7 years. To "undo" this, take the shards of glass and bury them underneath the moonlight.

Uttering the word "MacBeth" in a theatre is said to bring bad luck, unless performing the show. It is commonly referred to as "The Scottish Play." The play is supposedly cursed.

Before traveling a person should, apparently, sit on their luggage.

Triskaidekaphobia--In Western Culture, the number 13 is perceived as unlucky; 12a is sometimes used as a substitute and some buildings skip floor 13 completely.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea - Victoria's Secret models.

Bad Idea - Sumo wrestlers.

Good Idea - Leather jackets.

Bad Idea - Pleather anything.

Good Idea - Cool hats.

Bad Idea - Combovers.

Good Idea - Steak dinners.

Bad Idea - Yagga Vegetarian Steaks.

Good Idea - Women in uniform.

Bad Idea - Men in unitards.

Good Idea - Monday holidays.

Bad Idea - Working lunches.

Good Idea - Hockey.

Bad Idea - Competitive eating contests.

Good Idea - Battlestar Galactica.

Bad Idea - According to Jim.

Good Idea - ESPN.

Bad idea - the Golf Channel.

Good Idea - Stem Cell Research.

Bad Idea - Faith Healing.

Good Idea - Power Water Guns.

Bad Idea - Assault Rifles.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Out Of State Travel

Well, according to my little poll, ya'll prefer my original stuff to my political commentary. Which, while flattering, presents me with a bit of a dilemma. As it happens, mocking the work of others is much easier than actually producing my own work. Weird, right?

See, there's this little thing called writer's block that I catch sometimes. Most times, I can will myself out of it, so it's really just a State of Mind. Which is very close to the State of Denial, which I have often visited. It's not far from the State of Confusion, but a long ways from State of the Art. Of course, I live in the State of Outrage, which borders the Altered States, but I try not to get too close to that border.

But I digress. As I was saying, I do occasionally suffer a bout of writers block, but I do live to serve, so there will be more original content here from now on. I won't be able to resist the occasional political commentary, so they won't be gone altogether, they just won't be the focus of this site.

I'm working on refining my voice, such as it is, and I will continue to ask for your comments and emails, as well as participation in the polls to help guide me. So stay with me, and keep me updated with your feedback. Please don't forget your lead aprons.

Monday, February 9, 2009

People I Don't Trust

I'm not a trusting soul by nature. I'm not quite in the conspiracy theory wingnut class, but I'm certainly within hailing distance. I firmly believe that everyone has a hidden agenda, and since my own internal editor is severely damaged, I don't really get the why of hiding one's intentions. Fortunately, I care very little what most people are up to, so I don't really stress about it. That said, there are some people I keep an eye on.

Far-Right Republicans - I've seen that these pseudo-Christian zealots will stoop to anything to oppress anyone who does not buy into their mythos. Which definitively means yours truly.

People whose middle name is Wayne - Two words - Serial Killers.

Anyone who takes more medications than I do - Except maybe old people, because they do take alot of meds.

Old People - I changed my mind. They have too much time on their hands, who knows what they're thinking about. I suspect they hate us.

Young People - Most people don't really become fully aware of others until their mid-twenties. You can't tell them anything in confidence.

Every Other Driver on the road - I wish I had a motorcade like the President, so everyone would have to pull over when I drove by.

Family - Nobody will f*** you over faster, or more thoroughly, than your relatives.

Mechanics and Contractors - There are few exceptions to the rule that all these guys are out to rip you off.

Joggers - What the hell are they running from?

Hair Stylists - That's way too much power for one person to have over another.

Anyone who doesn't like cats - There are two categories of cat-haters - those who are afraid of cats because they perceive them as sneaky, and those who dislike their independence. The first group consists of people who actually are sneaky, and the second group includes people with deep-seated insecurities. Both groups are inherently fearful and weak, and frightened people with weak characters are the most dangerous animals of all.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Stupor Heroes

I love superhero comics. I'm especially fond of Ms. Marvel, and look forward to her book every month. She's not the only hero I follow, but she's my favorite. Ms. Marvel is flawed, but she's also the archetypal hero, military service, superpowers, including the ability to fly, fights for the greater good, blah, blah, blah...She's also fictional.

As much as I enjoy her adventures, I do not believe that *I* am Ms. Marvel, or that she is any way real. See, in the real world, people never receive alien blood transfusions that give them super strength and the ability to shoot energy beams from their hands. Ever.

Which is what makes the World Superhero Registry so hysterically funny. Or pathetic. Or both. Because these are real people. Dressed in latex and spandex. With capes. Trying to fight crime. Sans superpowers, sense, and sanity. Check out their gallery. I mean, seriously? You morons are going to get killed. Your only hope is that any criminals you happen upon are too busy laughing to actually assault you. Because guns and knives trump roleplaying all day long. So...just...go get jobs, will ya? McDonald's is usually hiring, and comes with a costume and everything. No cape though, it might fall in to the fryer.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

"No Votes" Votes No

From Ben Smith's blog on Politico:
John McCain writes to his list that he opposes the stimulus package and asks backers to sign a "Vote No" petition, putting a dent in the plans for an Obama-McCain buddy movie, and demonstrating a kind of populism that he shied away from when he was running for president:

Yesterday, the Senate began debate on an economic stimulus package that is intended to get our economy back on track and help Americans who are suffering through these difficult times.
Unfortunately, the proposal on the table is big on the giveaways for the special interests and corporate high rollers, yet short on help for ordinary working Americans. Business as usual on Capitol Hill...

I cannot and do not support the package on the table from the Democrats and the Obama Administration. Our country does not need just another spending bill, particularly not one that will load future generations with the burden of massive debt. You mean, like the trillions we already owe? Or the billions in bailout you were so keen to load us up with?

We need a short term stimulus bill that will directly help people, create jobs, and provide a jolt to our economy. Lovely rhetoric. No, really. It's a gift politicians have of making broadly appealing statements that are impossible to disagree with, but have no real substance. I admire a well-crafted line of bulls**t.

I believe we need to evaluate every bit of spending in this stimulus proposal with one important criteria - does it really stimulate the economy and help create jobs - if the answer is no, it does not belong in a so-called stimulus package. This is the heart of the matter, as far as I'm concerned. Not his criteria, but the idea that the proposal should be thoroughly examined. To my horror, I have slowly come to the realization that our representatives rarely even read the bills they vote on. I think every single item should be examined by a bi-partisan committee before it ever comes to a vote. Voting along party lines just isn't good enough. Let's have these guys wake the hell up and actually look out for our best interests for a change. This is OUR money, after all.

Furthermore, the stimulus must include significant direct relief to American workers in the form of payroll tax cuts and programs to help homeowners keep their homes. Finally, we need an end game to this stimulus so that when our economy recovers, these spending programs do not remain permanent and saddle our children with a skyrocketing national debt. Payroll tax cuts are not what we need. That money would be better spent on infrastructure projects that put people to work doing something for the benefit of everyone. Hoover dam ring a bell? Remember the TVA? Give us our New Deal! And projects like that would have a built-in shelf life.

I appreciate the discussions President Obama is having with my Republican colleagues, but the time for talking has come to an end and we must now begin some serious negotiation. Um, how are you going to negotiate without talking?

But as of yet, Republicans have not been given the opportunity to be involved. That's pretty rich, considering the last administration carried on as if their opposing party was completely irrelevant. That isn't happening now, and it didn't happen under Clinton.

The House of Representatives passed a stimulus bill without a single Republican supporting it. In the Senate, the Democrat leadership is trying to jam the existing proposal through regardless of reservations from a number of members. With so much at stake, the last thing we need is partisanship driving our attempts to turn the economy around. I couldn't agree more. But these guys have had an adversarial relationship for so long now, what they need is for their leadership to show them how to reach across the aisle. Not for said leadership to be passing around petitions looking to block the other party.

I have long been a fighter against wasteful spending in Washington and long an advocate for a balanced budget -- that will never change. I realize we face extraordinary challenges with our economy today, but that is not an excuse for more irresponsibly from Washington. I hope you will join me in saying no to this stimulus package as it currently exists by signing this petition. You have been, and I admire you for it, but this isn't the way to bring us together.

John McCain
Chair, Country First PAC

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Aiding and Abirding

Last week, I warned everyone about the grave danger we face from malicious bird attacks. It looks like the problem is worse than I feared, as our clever foes now have the ability to disguise themselves as articles of clothing. For the first time, their canny ruse has been exposed.

From The Australian: An alleged bird smuggler had his feathers ruffled when Customs officers seized two live pigeons stuffed into his tights.

The 23-year-old man of Meadow Heights in suburban Melbourne had just landed at Melbourne Airport on Sunday after a flight from Dubai when customs and border control officers stopped him and searched his bags. They allegedly found in the man's pocket a multi-vitamin container holding two birds eggs, and a further search revealed he was wearing tights with the two live birds stuffed inside, one in each leg. The eggs indicate that indoctrination begins very early for these airborne enemies of humanity.

Officers also seized a money belt containing plant seeds and undeclared samples of eggplant in the passenger's baggage before he was handed over to Australian Quarantine and Inspection Services staff.

"Wildlife smuggling is not only cruel to the animals involved, it poses a severe risk to the Australian environment and the health of the Australian community," Customs spokesman Richard Janeczko said.

"It is important that people declare all animal and plant materials to customs and border protection when they enter Australia."

If convicted, the alleged smuggler could face up to 10 years in jail and/or a $110,000 fine.

A Customs spokeswoman said it was not known what the pigeons were intended to be used for, adding the man was expected to be charged on summons with wildlife smuggling offences.

It is unclear from the article if the man was allied with these nefarious Aves, or just an unwitting victim. Either way, they are obviously escalating, if they are bringing humans into their evil plots. I suspect we will be seeing more of this kind of thing. Stay alert!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Lemonade Award

Ritually Pissed has been nominated for a Lemonade Award. I have no idea why, since it is apparantly an award for good attitude and gratitude.

But I guess even crazy, bitter old Aunt KP gets invited to the family gatherings sometimes. So, thanks to Freda over at FredaBeMe for the nod.