My New Year's Resolutions

2008 is over! Everyone gets a chance to make a fresh start, get rid of those bad habits and begin the year with a new attitude! With that idea of hope and positive change in my head, here's my list of New Year's resolutions:

Gain Weight - At a meager 195 lbs, I just don't feel like I cut a very imposing figure. I plan on beefing up on healthy, nutritious foods like Fudge Rounds, buffalo wings, donuts, and Doritos.

Smoke More - I'm not listening to those anti-smoking sissies and their vicious propaganda. Big tobacco is my friend! Plus, smoking is cool. Everyone knows that.

Make Less Time For My Family - If you've read my previous posts, then you know that spending time with my family makes me crazy. In fact, I don't know anyone who doesn't have a dysfunctional relationship with their family. If you do, don't tell me about it, that's just weird.

Try To See The Worst In Everyone - You know you want me to....

Issue Random Insults and Commit Arbitrary Acts of Assault - What the world needs in these troubled time is more bullies.

Try to Increase My Carbon Footprint - I've been feeling like I'm not really taking my fair share lately. Why should the Republicans have all the fun? I wanna help destroy the planet, too!

Take More - Charity is for suckers. I'll keep whatever's mine, and take what you've got, too. Jesus would want me to.

I know, it's a pretty ambitious list, but I think I'm up to the challenge. I'll check it at the end of 2009 and we'll see how I did.