Looking Back

Imported from my old MySpace blog:

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I'm often asked what it is that makes me so much cooler than the rest of you. I've finally bothered to give it a little thought, and I've compiled a short list of the things that comprise my coolness. Feel free to emulate them, although it probably won't do any good, as you lack the cool gene.
I smoke cigarettes. All the cool kids are doing it.
I light my cigarettes with a Zippo. And I don't ever claim that I "love the way it tastes".
I am witty and aloof. Meaning that after I insult you, I really just want you to go away.
I like cats. Dogs are fine, but they smell bad and they jump on people.
I'm lazy.
I'm selfish. I always treat myself better than I treat anyone else. And I feel no guilt whatsoever for doing so.
I'm smart. Most people are idiots. You are probably an idiot, too, but you're too dumb to know it. I'm willing to tell you, feel free to ask.
I'm bitchy. Because ya'll piss me off alot, with your stupidness.
I watch TV alot. Cause those people are more interesting than you real folks.
I know that baseball is superior in every way to football.I also know that NASCAR is not a sport. Neither is golf, running, horse racing, or wrestling.
I hate kids. I don't like anyone greedier or more self-involved than me. And they have dirty little hands they put all over everything. Btw, your kids? Not cute. Irritating. Make them go away, and don't make any more. Your genes do not merit reproducing.
I'm mean. See above.I will hit anyone who makes me mad enough.
I wear leather, and I eat meat, because I am proud to be at the top of the food chain.
I don't drink or do drugs, because those things are part of why other people are so stupid. I encourage others to indulge, however, because it only makes me even more superior.
I'm already tired of telling you how to be a better person, so I'm going to go watch TV.

I copied and pasted this over without editing, because somehow that seemed like cheating. I think I hadn't quite found my writing "voice" yet (and I'm not sure I really have now). Still, most of it I still agree with.