Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Translating Tech Support

In keeping with my personal mission to bring peace between those of us who provide tech support and the users who avail themselves of our services, I've put together a quick primer of commonly used phrases and their translations.

Test feature. - glitch

I'll have to research this. - I have no f***ing idea.

The developers are aware of the issue. - They don't have a f***ing idea, either.

This was caused by incorrect input in certain fields. - You screwed it up.

We are working on it now. - We screwed it up.

I'll need to log into your system. - You aren't bright enough to follow my directions.

Do you have a backup? - If things haven't already gone horribly awry, they're about to.

That's outside the scope of what I do here. - I can probably fix it, but I won't, because it's not my job.

I can understand your frustration. - Quit your damn whining.

Is there a better time for you to address this? - Put me on hold again and I will drive there and bitch-slap you.

I'll certainly pass along your suggestions to development. - Why don't you build your own software if you know so damn much?

Could I speak with your technician or network administrator? - You don't sound like you can even find the keyboard.

Is there anything else I can help you with? - Please say no, please say no, please say no....

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